Life After Death

June 4th, 2012 

Hello! My name is Alexander, but everyone calls me Alex. Today I turned 10 and you are my gift haha! My friend Jessica said that she writes things she is feeling and said that it will be funny in the future. She got you so that I can laugh at myself when I am 50. 

I decided to name you Secret because it sounds cool and no one knows I am writing in you. Except Jessica, but that is ok, I like Jessica. I might ask her to be my girlfriend because she is the only person I talk to.  

Anyway, I want some more cake! I love cake! I will make sure to write how the cake was.  

June 15th, 2012 

Jessica does not want to be my girlfriend. I am sad now. But we are still friends. That is the important part! We are going to play tag with other kids from school. I think I have friends now. But Jessica is my first friend.

January 12th, 2013 

Hello! Today I got hurt. I started screaming because I was scared. My daddy did everything he could to not make me cry. He got mad. I’m sorry daddy. 

June 4th, 2013 

Happy Birthday! You are 1 year old today! I am so happy that I got you last year because I love writing what happened. Even the things I don’t want to write about.  

September 1st, 2013 

My best friend Jessica has left school. She is moving to London with her family. I am very sad, but she said that we will still continue talk and being friends. I hope we stay friends. She is my only friend.  

May 31st, 2015 

Hello Secret. Today officially marks the last day of Middle School. If I can be completely honest with you, I am relieved to finally be done with this shit hole. I was excited to start middle school, but I wouldn’t go back for anything. Constantly bullied. Constantly hit. Constantly hated.  

I hate it here. 

At least my birthday is soon! 

June 4th, 2015,  

Why is life cruel to good people and nice to bad ones? I asked my teacher today and she said that sometimes good people need a push to seize the positive and good out of a bad situation. I disagree with Mrs. Lampsher. 

September 1st, 2017 

First day of 10th grade. Woohoo! That was sarcastic in case you misunderstood. But if I'm being honest, I’m excited because I keep getting closer and closer to finally graduating. Finally leaving this shit hole. That’s why I love my birthday so much, it means I get closer to actually doing something with my life. So, if that means I need to help myself with some weed. Why the hell not.  

Fuck the world.  

October 5th, 2019 

I can’t do this anymore. I… I can’t live in this house anymore. Today was the worst it has ever been. I came back from school and walked up to my room; except I wasn’t alone in my room. My… My dad was sitting on my bed. He asked me why I haven’t behaved lately. Why… I have been the good son he loves and knows. Why I haven’t… why I haven’t let him touch me. 

I told him that I was busy, and that school was stressful, but that wasn’t true and he knew that. He stood up and hit me with his belt. Then… he hit me again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Until I was on the ground crying.  

He picked me up and threw me on the bed. I couldn’t move. It hurt so much, fuck, it hurt SO MUCH. It still hurts so much.  

I couldn’t move. I just laid there and cried. I kept apologising but he wasn’t happy. He wanted me… to show him how sorry I was. How grateful I am to have him as a father. 

I just laid on my bed, giving him permission to do whatever he wanted. I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I swear I couldn’t. I swear.  

He took his pants off and then mine. And… I swear I couldn’t do anything. I just laid there staring at the ceiling. Frozen. I wasn’t even crying. I just stared at the ceiling. Emotionless. Dead. 

I’m sorry. 

December 25th, 2019 

Hey Secret. I ditched Christmas with my dad today. I’m celebrating with friends that I’m not even close with, but I needed to get out of the house. I had to. I’m at this guy's house, Matthew. He invited our whole class and I wasn’t about to give up on such an opportunity. So here I am in one of his rooms writing in my diary instead of talking to people. I suck. I truly suck, but at least I’m not home.  

Talk to you later! 

December 26th, 2019 

I wish I hadn’t gone to the party. 

February 14th, 2020 

Today was phenomenal. I had my very first kiss. My…my very first meaningful kiss. 

I went on a date with Megan. She is amazing. I love everything about her. I… 

February 15th, 2020 

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I really tried. I tried so fucking hard. But I, I can’t live…like this. I can’t live knowing that I will never be happy. Knowing that as long as he’s alive, I will be dead.  

There is no hope for me.  

I'm sorry.  

February 16th, 2020 

Hello whoever is reading this. I can’t begin to explain how sorry I am. I really tried, but every step I took I was pushed back by you dad.  

I didn’t take my life. You took my life. You have taken my life ever since I was 8. I was excited for life and then you had to mess things up. You had to ruin me.  

But you are not the only one to blame. I am as much at fault as you are. I let you do all those things to me, to your own son. You’re a monster, but I’m not a saint either.  

Alex, I hope that in death you experience happiness. Because you are finally free. 

I am sorry, but I am happy.  

I’m sorry.