The Itch

I wish I was addicted to something else. Anything else. Eating too much McDonald’s chicken nuggets? Nah. Drinking too much booze? I’m good. Smoking? No thanks. 

No. 

Me? I have to be addicted to being treated like - well, let’s just say, dirt, to keep it polite. I don’t like it, but I am.

I’m sitting here, talking to you - well, talking to myself, I guess, staring at my scuffed up iPhone. He texted me. He Who Shall Not Be Named, let’s say. And yes, he reminds me of Voldemort in every way, except he actually has a nose. And just how Harry was magically drawn to Voldemort, I too am drawn to Him. In a way where I feel that only one of us makes it out of “this” unscathed. 

“This” refers to, well, whatever “This” is. A booty call? I don’t know. Is that the proper term to describe me being in a one-sided relationship with a man who only uses me for sex whenever it pleases him? Sure. Let’s go with booty call to keep it simple. 

I open his message. “You coming tonight?” It’s Christmas Eve. Is that all he has to say? It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake. He can’t even be romantic this once? And what does he expect? Me to get up, ditch my family who are sitting and watching Elf together and go to his crusty apartment thirty minutes away? Not to mention it is freezing outside.

That’s it. If he can’t even show me an ounce of affection during the holidays, then this guy definitely does not care about me. I don’t care if it took me 6 months and 2 weeks to realise this. I’m happy I did. It’s like a Christmas gift to myself.

I leave his message on read and start texting my friend.

“Guess who just texted me, lol.” 

“Gross. Don’t respond. You’re so much better than him.”

“Right? Like it’s Christmas Eve. I’m not just some booty call.”

“Exactly. He’s just using you!”

“I know. I’m not going to respond. Anyways, hope you have a good Christmas xoxo.”

I put my phone down and start watching Elf with my family. I made it to the part where Buddy the Elf leaves the North Pole. 

And then I got the Itch. 

I am very well acquainted with this itch. It happens every time he texts me, tempting me to respond. 

No. I think to myself. I already said last time was the last time - two times ago! I can’t keep doing this. I deserve better.

But who wants to be alone on Christmas Eve?

But I'm not alone, I'm with my family. My family who loves me and treats me well.

True. But what if He texted me because this is his way of asking me to spend a very special night with him. I mean, I'm sure he knows it’s Christmas Eve.

Seriously? Listen to yourself here. You sound delusional. When has he ever shown you that you were more than a booty call?

Maybe he’s had a change of heart and realised how much he likes me?

Unlikely. 

Just focus on Buddy the Elf. We’re at the part when Buddy is fighting with Santa in the mall.

But that itch. It’s just so itchy.

I pick up my phone and check to see if he messaged me again.

My heart sinks into my stomach. No new messages, but it’s only been sixteen minutes since the last text. Ugh. Why won’t he beg?

Who cares! You don’t want him to text you anyways. Out of sight out of mind right?

I open Safari and start searching for ways to deal with temptation. 

Step one: Remove yourself from temptation.

“Hey, are you okay?” my Mom asks. She can see on my face that I’m not.

“Yeah I was just reading something.” 

We’re at the part when Buddy and Jovie go on a date. 

How can Buddy the Elf have a better relationship than I do? Something must be wrong with me. 

He looks so happy with Jovie. I just want to be happy too. It would be nice to be wanted. 

My phone vibrates.

But, I AM wanted. He wants me.

“So are you coming?” he asks.

Two texts in a relatively short time period? He must really want to see me. That’s gotta mean something right?

It means he is really desperate to get laid. Isn’t that obvious?

You know, we never really had The Talk.

Oh here we go.

Seriously, I just need to find the right time and ask him - “What are we?” 

What do you expect him to say?

Well, I don’t know. I won’t know until I ask. 

And then what? Make some hot chocolate and cuddle in front of the fireplace? You know he isn’t like that.

But people change all the time. And I really think he has potential. 

Potential for what?

To be a great boyfriend, obviously. 

I respond to his text and try to sound as cool as possible. 

“Yeah. In a bit.” Cool as a cucumber.

My family finishes watching The Elf and go to bed.

When the coast was clear, I grab the keys to my mom’s Civic and start driving.

I really shouldn’t be doing this. This is so dumb. It’s Christmas Eve.

But it is the perfect opportunity to lay down the law with him. He needs to make me his girlfriend or this is over. Whatever this is.

Yeah. Cause that worked out real well for you the last ten times you tried to “lay down the law” with him.

I pull up to his apartment complex. 

This is my chance to turn back. I really shouldn’t be here. I know how this looks.

Oh, but that ITCH. 

I get out of the car and walk into the lobby and take the elevator up to floor 13.

It’s still not too late to go back home. 

But he’s looking forward to seeing me. I can’t just bail on him. He’s waiting for me.

I get to apartment 1309. There are no doorbells. I take a deep breath and knock three times. 

There are butterflies in my stomach. I can’t wait to see him. 

I don’t hear any footsteps. He must not have heard me. I knock again, a bit louder this time.

Any second now we’re going to be together and I can finally tell him how I really feel.

But he doesn’t come. 

That’s fine. I’ll just text him. “Hey I’m outside lol.”

But he doesn’t respond.

I wait ten minutes before accepting the fact that he fell asleep and head back to my car.

As if this jerk couldn’t even wait for me. He’s the one who wanted me to come over. That’s it, I'm so done with him. I’m actually thankful this happened because now I know what he is really like and I can be done with him forever. I feel so confident in my decision now.

Half way home I get a text message from him. “Hey sorry. I dozed off for a few minutes. Are you still down?”

I take a deep breath in and exhale with a sigh.

I scratch the back of my neck and turn the car around.