Is it Worth the Pain

It’s been a whole month since the contagion swept over the world. An entire month of chaos and heartbreak. My older brother and I were the only ones in our family to survive the initial hit, besides some family members across the country. We'd stayed locked up for nearly the entire month. I’ve already forgotten what day was yesterday and what day we were in presently.

         My brother was worried about me. I understand why, we needed to worry about each other. I tried asking my brother if he knew the day, but he forgot as well.

         “Simon! Do you remember what’s today; like if it’s Monday or Wednesday?”

         “No.” Simon sighs, “I’ve forgotten, just like I've forgotten the date.”

         I tried to keep his spirits up, but it’s hard. It was hard for me to keep my spirits up sometimes. Simon wants to leave, check out outside. I’m a little hesitant, but our food supply is running low and, honestly, I just wanted to see outside again, whatever the risk. Simon initially wanted me to stay put, but I begged him to let me come. Obviously, he was reluctant to change his mind, but I like to think my puppy face from when I was a kid still worked, even on my brother.

         “Are you ready to go, George?”

         “Yes, let me just slip some shoes on.” I walked over to the corner of the room, where a pile of shoes was lying around.

         “And a face covering,” Simon told me with authority.

         “Yea, of course. I haven’t gotten dumber since this all started.”

         “I know. Just, keep it that way.”

         I looked up while I tied my shoe, as Simon says this, and I gave him a loving nod. We’re all prepared and begin to head to the door. Simon holds me back as he removes all of the covering, we had in the crack of the door, and creaks the door open. As he does, he gives a sigh. It reminded me of when he sighed after he broke dad’s chair when we were younger, it wasn’t a confident sigh.

         We didn’t know what outside had in-store for us. Like I said, we haven’t been outside since this all started, all we know is what the news told us before we lost power. Stay indoors and keep a face-covering around. Well, we were about to head outside, and I could not have been any more nervous.

         We make our way into the hallway. Walking slowly past each door; I’m pretty sure I didn’t breathe until we made it fully outside. My brother never left my side and always had his hand draped over my shoulder. But we made it outside, and I couldn’t have been more disturbed.

         The grass, well, there was none. The trees, the ones that still stood that is, were dead. The sky dark, I’m not sure the last time the sun showed its face to us. My brother controlled mostly where I looked. Probably because there were dead bodies littering the ground. He was a good brother.

         We made it to the local grocery store. Inside we found nothing, the store was a mess; nature started taking back the building and breaking down what couldn’t stay strong. Simon led us through the back and we walked a little further to a gas station. Same story there, nothing inside. We walked for hours, building to building, ultimately, finding no food. Maybe it was a good thing though, I mean who knows if the food would have been good anyway. Maybe the virus infected it as well, hm, it probably did actually. Anyways we made it back to our apartment, but before I could take my mask off Simon yelled for me to keep it on.

         “Woah! Keep your mask on. We opened the door; we’re going to need to keep our mask on constantly for now.”

         “What are we going to do, Simon? We’re going to starve.”

         “No, we’re not little bro. You let me worry about that.”

         I may have let him worry physically about it, but I was still worried. We went another week with what we had, but supplies were running low. Simon was constantly thinking up a plan and it kept me hopeful for what was a very grim scenario. I should’ve done more to help him.

         The morning comes, I think, and Simon tells me he is going out again. And, I tell him I’ll go with him, but this time he was not giving. So, he went alone, to where I don’t know. What I do know is he returned that night with fresh food. Fresh! It looked like it was actually cooked recently and not found in a run-down store. We ate like kings that night. We sure did.

         Safe to say we slept like two big babies. And when the morning came Simon said he’s going to head out again, but still didn’t let me come. I was sad and very bored. But he came back home again with more fresh food. That night, we went to bed but were awoken by deep voices outside the apartment yelling. My brother grabbed me and covered my mouth while dragging us to a corner. It startled me, but I just kept quiet. Neither of us were breathing, I’m sure. The voices passed, however, and Simon told me to never leave here without him. I shook my head because what else was I suppose to say. He started to scare me, but I didn’t show it to him.

         But, again, the morning hits and Simon is up and out again. I would’ve gone out to look for him, I should’ve, but I listened to my brother. The night came, but my brother was not back yet. I was worried, of course, but I waited. I was nearly asleep when the door opened and Simon returned.

         “Where were you I was worried!”

         “Shh! George, I was out getting us food and got a little lost. Here.”

         He handed me a warm can of spaghetti. It was good, and I was getting increasingly curious where he was getting the food. But I just ate it and went to bed. Again, deep voices were heard outside the apartment later that night, but this time they got closer. My brother shoved me under the bed and demanded I not come out. I promised him I wouldn’t. All of a sudden, two men burst through the door, saw my brother, and shot him. Ten times. Bang! Bang! BANG! BANG! The noise, the shots, they ring, in my head, every night. I crawled from under the bed after they left and looked down at my brother. I cradled him all night and cried until tears stopped falling. I was all alone.

         “And those are the men, that killed your brother, next to you? Dead.”

         “Yea, that’s them. It took me a year for every bullet they shot him with to finish this, but it’s done.”

         “So, you’ve been on your own since he died?”

“Yea…yea I have.”

         “Deon! We got room back at camp for him?”

         “I don’t know ma’am. He might can squeeze in the animal pen, ha-ha.”

         “Oh, yea? Well, he can take your room and you can sleep in the animal pen.”

         “Uh! I’m just kidding ma’am, there’s room.”

         “Mhm. That’s what I thought.” The woman looks at me, “You want to join us?”

         I’d be a fool not to accept. So of course, I did, I’ve been on my own for ten years. “Of course. Do you mind, though, if I ask for your name miss?”

         “Peggy. Peggy Jones.”

         “Thank you, Ms. Jones.”

         As I walked back to her vehicle with her, I didn't know what to think. I killed the men who killed my brother. I succeeded in surviving this contagion. However, I didn’t succeed in being a good brother. My brother would still be alive if I wasn’t so accepting. Accepting of his half-answers. Accepting of being helpless. I only accepted this Peggy because she heard my story, and because I don’t feel helpless anymore. She listened and saw what I did and still helped. Maybe this will end up as a mistake, but at the moment I feel like my brother is still next to me, I feel, hope. And that’s better than what I felt through those years without Simon.