Thursday, June 5, 2003

I wake at a quarter past ten, the moonlight streaming in through my closed blinds. Footsteps above my head tell me that my upstairs neighbor is back from work. I know I need to sleep because I have my interview with the Boss tomorrow to get a big promotion. I'm the only woman to have even come close to getting a promotion like this. My stomach rolls at just the thought. The only woman, ever. The company I work at is big too. It almost seems impossible, but then I remember who my Boss is. Of course, everyone knows that he would pick the worst possible man over any woman. He's the typical male superior. Ugh! I get so angry just thinking about it. But I can't allow myself to dwell on this all night, or I'll never have any chance to get the promotion.

My phone lights up with a notification. I try to ignore it but the truth is I have nothing better to do, so I pick up my phone and unlock it. It is a Spacebook post from one of the people I went to college with, Veronica Gray. Veronica Gray is your typical cool girl, blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, the newest hip clothes, and of course an entourage. The group posts photos all the time. Just last week they were all in Paris, beautiful Paris. I have always dreamed of going to Paris. Of course, she would get to go there first.

She was successful almost as soon as we graduated. We both majored in photography so I saw a lot of her. She even tried to get me to join her brainless squad, I rejected her, I didn't need that kind of reputation following me around my whole life. It is almost too bad, it's not like she was a mean girl, she was nice, she just hung around with the wrong crowd. How different would my life have been if I accepted? Probably way different, I might even be a real photographer instead of just a regular office worker.

I'm saving up to move to Rhode Island, I've seen pictures from there and they are so amazing. I almost have enough but this promotion would help so much. I just have to be ready for tomorrow. I need to sleep. I power my phone down so I have no more distractions. The apartment is silent, and I think my neighbor is finally asleep. I look at my clock and it's already 11:13, how have I not noticed that it has almost been 30 minutes already. I roll over and lay silently, my mind refusing to turn off. I count up to 100, and then up to 200. I still feel awake. How am I going to fall asleep? My mind needs to turn off but it continues to chug ahead.

My cat Cosmo jumps up onto my bed and curls into a ball right next to me. I reach over and pet his back, his gray fur as soft as ever. I only got Cosmo a year ago but it feels like I have known him forever. I got him from this sweet woman who lives down the street from my work. The pick was down to him and one of his sisters, the only two who weren't spoken for yet. I sat down with each of them, but the entire time Cosmo and I got along like we were meant for each other. I knew he was the one and when I took him home he loved it instantly. He does this adorable thing when I get home, he will sit on the couch and as soon as he sees me he rolls and his belly and mews until I come over and pet him. He's my little gentleman because he would never hurt a fly. He purrs as he drifts off to sleep. Lucky duck, it seems that I might get no sleep at all tonight.

The apartment makes no sound. It is as if I am the only person awake in the whole town. I can't hear any noise coming from outside. No sounds to bring sleep around so I may capture it. I know I must sleep, I know that I need to fall asleep now. But the pressure of falling asleep is keeping me awake.

How do people with insomnia do it? I'm sure that I am about to go mad. The silence should be alluring but instead, it is keeping me up. The closer I get to midnight, the less confident I feel that I will be able to fall asleep for even a minute. How have I never awoken like this before? Many people say that it happens to them all the time, but never to me. How does that work? Was it being saved for a time like this when sleep is all that I want? It feels to me that this is the truth.

I try to think of anything that will help me fall asleep. I think of calming things, like raindrops on roses and the sound of the wind. Wind always use to calm me done so maybe it will work now. I continue to think of how it used to rain for days where I grew up. My parents always told me that the angels were crying and that is why it was raining. As a child, I probably believed them. I was one of those children who believed anything you would tell me. Most of my time was spent reading fairy tales. Cinderella was my favorite because when I was young my family didn't have lots of money. So I dreamed that when I grew up I would marry a prince and my parents would be able to live a more luxurious life. But now I know that princes aren't real so that is not going to happen.

Thinking of my childhood is relaxing. I had a pretty good childhood. I learned early the importance of having a good work ethic. I would always go visit my grandmother and she would sing me this amazing lullaby. It went something like this, "Blackbirds singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive". Just singing the song is making me tired, so I sang until my eyes fluttered shut and I dreamt of my grandmother, singing just that song to me.

The End