To Try A New Start

To look in the mirror and not really know who you are or even have a small idea of who you wish to be. It can leave you guessing more each day as you seek out the truth, more so if you find out you are not your parents' child by birth.

You are left wondering who you belong to, who your real parents might have been, and whether there are others who feel this same way you do, lost.

You think about all the possibilities and probabilities, not sure how you want to be identified as or if you want to be a part of the present when you find out the truth later in life. Seems to bring a sense of uncertainty and sadness. Then as you begin to feel abandoned and lost, you try to find ways to ease or numb the pain your heart feels.

You then want to belong with a whole different group of people, like being in AA or NA, where the only ones who attend these groups are those who have experienced the same as you have and can understand all that you feel and know.

You exit your apartment, heading towards the stairs that lead to your front stoop, then out into the street. You turn left to head down to your place of work. You arrive in record time, entering the building, walking to the elevator and enter. You press the buttons on the board, tapping the seventh floor. As the elevator heads upward to the chosen floor, it finaly stops and the door hastily opens.

You get off the elevator, turning left to head down the hallway. You eventually arrive at the office entrance, entering in the double glass doors, and head towards the door marked with your name on the brass plate. You enter your key, open the door, and walk over to the desk, sit in the desk chair, and open the laptop on top of the desk. You type on the website you have been given, looking for any way to search for your birth parents and find out your identity.

This is a weekend, so there will be no distractions or phone calls, which will prevent you from searching and finding out anything that you want to find. Your face feels flushed, and you are anxious.

You look for all the many listings available, not sure where to go and where to find what you need to discover something. As you search, the outer double glass doors open, followed by the door to your office.

A man dressed in a three-piece suit, runs over to your desk, and snatches your laptop from your typing hands. You jump up, suddenly mad and not sure what to make of these first distractions. You reach into your top drawer on the desk to retrieve your loaded pistol. You raise it to fire and nothing happens. You feel angry when you notice the pistol has been emptied of ammo, and no damn clip either.

You then throw the pistol in the direction of your annoying person, but there is no one there for your pistol to hit, except the wall itself. You then stop your search, head over to the couch in your office and fall asleep. You begin to dream, tossing and turning on both sides before settling in to sleep.

You fall deeper, then you are brought into your dream and become part of the dream from the moment of entry. You seek out someone to help you, with no one willing to offer you the help you need or explain to you how you were able to fall deeply into your dream at all.

You reach a crossroads. You arrive at the train tracks, which go on forever, then as you cross them, the train picks you up and you speed down the tracks as though you are now part of the train. You see you have been chained to and duct taped to the caboose as though you were kidnapped.

As you start trying to scream, the train's whistle blows louder, and you are drowned out. Two dark shadows surround you, pulling on your restraints, to be sure they are secure. They are. Damn you really don't know what to make of this. "Did this not only earlier start out as a dream?" You feel dejected and alone.

Before you are at a loss for what to do, you change into another place on the train, with this time you are at the controls and out of control. The train is at full speed and there are no signs of stopping. You reach for the brake stick and find none. You are ready to scream once again, and the train's whistle blows loudly drowning you out.

You look to finally find the brake stick and pull hard hoping to stop the train from derailing. You grab and you pray like never before. You close your eyes, hear the brakes trying to slow down the train, then the train starts to lurch left then right. The other cars behind the locomotive are pushed forward throwing the train off the tracks and throwing you free of the train. You must have landed because you wake up with yourself not aware of where you landed.

You then fall back and lie in a flat position, you are dreaming once more, you are taken to another place that you enjoy being often, more often than being.

A hand helps to rise and stand, you are in no condition to be raised up with you falling back on the ground. You are only aware that you can sit up better not so much stand.

As you slowly stand up, to look to see you have fallen off the couch and are amazed that you returned to your present place (your office) and see that it has returned to what is was before you laid down on the couch. "Where did you go to have the dreams that you had in them?"