Ready, Set. Not Ready Yet

Tonight:

You know this is your chance. You can’t back out now. You want it over with. Your heart can’t take much more of it. Neither can your brain. You have to say it. You have to do it. But can you? Can you really face what has plagued you for more than five years? You stare at him and wonder. Are you ready? Are you finally ready? You weren’t ready before, but are you now?

Three days before: 

You knew he’d be here. Your friends had mentioned him being here. You aren’t sure if that’s why you wanted to come or not. You don’t want it to be. But you know it’s a factor. He has always been a factor. But here he is, on New Year’s. Sitting across from you. You aren’t sure if you should smile or not. You aren’t sure if you should talk to him or not. You should have been ready, but you’re not. Beside you, your friends who know, know only too well. Or do they? You told them you were over him. It wasn’t going to happen. You had hoped that would be enough. But it’s not. You still like him. You still want to know if he likes you. You feel as if you’ve come full circle again. You’re so tired. You don’t want to circle around again. Now he’s standing behind you, watching the world countdown to a new year. Or at least as New York counts down. If you were braver you would tell him now. If you were drunk, you probably would’ve kissed him now. If you were ready you would’ve done something. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Six days before: 

You were not ready for this. You know you’re doomed the moment you see him. You said you’d move on. You said you no longer had feelings for him. You said that you were okay with just being friends. You were dead wrong. Now you spend the night wondering. You hadn’t seen him in a while. You hadn’t expected to see him. But now he’s here. He’s standing next to you and you are trying to seem interesting. You want him to know you like him. More importantly, you want to know if he likes you. You laugh and try to act normal, but all the time you keep finding yourself staring at him. You are still caught between wanting him to know and not wanting him to know. You just want it to be over. You could just tell him. You could easily do it if you wanted to. No, there are too many people. It would look weird. You’ll wait. Maybe the feeling will pass. But you know it won’t. You’re not ready. Not yet.

One month before: 

You’re over him. He’s obviously not interested, and you are over him. You know you’re beautiful and a catch. You don’t need him. You will no longer swoon every time you see him. You will no longer look for him at dances. You will no longer hope to be near him. You are over him. You are over his smile. You are over his mischief. You are over his incurable kindness. You are over him. You have to be. You can’t do this anymore. It’s over. You will no longer have a crush on him. You will no longer pine for him. You two will just be friends. It is over. You tell it to your friends. You tell it to your mother. You tell it to yourself. One day you might tell him how you felt before you were over him. Though, not today. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Four months before: 

You’ve known you’re not alone in your feelings. You’re not stupid. You’ve seen the familiar longing gazes. The hopeful looks. The admiring smiles. You can name at least six girls you’ve suspected of liking him. At least three that currently do. Once that would have bothered you. It no longer does. You stopped hiding it months ago. You made that choice at the beginning of the year. You had hoped one of them would tell him by chance. But that never happened. Tonight though, a sisterhood is formed as one by one almost every girl in the room admits they’ve been on the same boat as you. There’s so many. So many incidents and silent crushes. You decide that at this rate the shared boat of feelings is more like a cruise ship. It goes to show how likable he really is. It also goes to show that you are not the only one who has hidden their feelings. But most importantly it goes to show that he must be very oblivious or not interested in girls to not have realized that he is liked. But now there's a shared connection. Shared feelings. Shared failures. You admit that you would just be happy if he liked one of the girls back. You also think that it’s time to move on. You’ve been in that boat for too long. But it’s a vast ocean and you don’t know when the next boat will come along. You can’t stay here forever though. You know that. You want to jump ship. You will be ready soon. But not now. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Five months before: 

This is it. You’re asking him tonight. You can do it, you tell yourself. You have the chance, take it. It’s taken days of prodding to get him to come to the dance. You’ve gotten help from your friends and you have to do it. You’ve spent all week planning tonight out. All you have to do is ask for his phone number. You know you can do that smoothly by getting a picture with him. You tease him and actually attempt to flirt. You’re done being just friends. You thought you could wait and just let it happen, but you’ve waited for long enough. You know you’ve got the confidence to do it. So, you flirt and smile and laugh. He could like you. He really could. He could just be afraid to say it. You’re afraid. You try not to be afraid, but you are. In the darkness of the dance floor, you smile up at him. He makes the night spin away. But you notice he’s leaving early. Your chance is slipping away. Your plan begins to crumble. You panic. You try not to beg him as you ask to take a picture before he leaves. You feel a bit relieved. You think you can still do it. Fate has other plans. The picture background has fallen down. You stand awkwardly as the adults try to fix it. You feel embarrassment sink deeper and deeper into your soul. You just want it to be over. You feel awful about delaying him. You feel awful about flirting with him. Why are you so stupid? He gives away nothing to show that he's unhappy. That makes it worse. He stands and smiles when you finally take the picture and the two of you part. You wonder if he was bothered at all. You wonder if he was uncomfortable too. You realize you didn’t ask him for his phone number. You feel like a failure. The year is slipping away. Your chances are slipping away. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Six months before: 

Once again, you’re on the bus. You’re off to summer camp. Once again, he's there. You’ve turned in your seat to face your friends and him. You’ve considered sitting next to him. You’ve hoped he would sit next to you. It has yet to happen. Once again you hope that you will be on his team. Once again you are not. Once again you discuss your feelings about him with another girl who likes him. Despite the shared attraction the two of you are rooting for each other. Once again, the two of you seem to go nowhere. You also consider telling him, thinking that if it goes wrong you won’t have to see that much of him after camp. But that consideration was thrown out the bus window when you find out that he is taking the same class as you. At one point you would’ve been thrilled to know that. Now, you are afraid to tell him since you will have to face him again. One night though, something new happens. You end up sitting across from him at dinner. You’re having a moment here. You two are laughing and talking about the future. He is so much closer to his future than you are, but his talk makes you think of your own future. He’s got a plan. He’s smart like that. He also talks to you about simple things. Common interests. You wished you had had more conversations like this. You’ve been too afraid in the past. Now you’re smiling at him, beginning to tease him a little. You swear he’s flirting back. But then the moment is gone. You spend the rest of the trip wondering. Did you read him wrong? Does he like you? You get close to asking for his phone number when camp is over. You don’t though. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Seven months before: 

You’ve done it now. There’s no going back. You’ve gone and told all your friends about your crush. You feel childish, yet exhilarated. They all say they knew before you told them, but that doesn’t matter. You have hidden it for so long. Too long. Now they all know. It feels good. Part of you hopes that now that the secret is out, he will catch on. Your friends agree though that it’s been a long time to like him. But they also get why. You all know the fishpond is too small where you are. You go to sleep giddy. You’re making progress. This year is going to be the year. You won’t be alone for much longer you hope. Your waiting and hoping is almost up. You just know things will turn out great. You aren’t going to give up. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Eight months before: 

You asked him to dance at prom. You did. You’re extremely proud. You also found out that he’s just friends with his date. You’re a little less proud of that but you’re still happy. More importantly, you have proof. You have a picture. It’s a small thing to most people but to you, it means the world. You also told another friend. Now she knows. She’s also not interested in him. She’s got her own guy. You know she can help. You’re on a high of hormones and joy. You don’t want to come down. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Ten months before: 

You hate being human. You despise the feelings and the emotions. You don’t want to cry over him. But you are. You are and you hate yourself for it. It’s so stupid why you are crying. You know it. You feel awful though, and you hate being human. If you weren’t human, you wouldn’t have felt disappointed when you learned he had just asked someone out to prom. If you weren’t human, you wouldn’t have been hoping for him to ask you to dance. If you weren’t human, you wouldn’t have been excited when you thought he would ask you for the last dance. If you weren’t human, you wouldn’t have been completely crushed when a friend asked him to dance at the last second. If only you weren’t human. You know that you’re being overdramatic, but you need to cry. You really do. You also know that it isn’t the friend’s fault. She doesn’t know you like him. Almost no one does. You know that needs to change. You know you need help. You can’t do it alone. But you’re afraid to tell anyone. You always have been. It has been like pulling teeth to admit it to anyone. You've hidden your crush out of self-defense. You still don’t want anyone to know. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Twelve months before: 

This year is going to be different for you. You just know it. You’ve got one more year to tell him you like him before he graduates. One more year. But you know you can do it. You are tired of not having anyone. You’ve waited for too long. You’ve liked him for over five years, and nothing has happened. You’ve waited. You’ve hoped. You’ve prayed. But this is the year for you. You know that you’ll have to tell all your friends to start. You know that you’ll have to be a lot braver too. But you also know it’s going to be hard. You know it could hurt. You know all this. But you also know you can’t live like this any longer. You just can’t. It has to end. The wondering has to end. You want to know the one thing you don’t know. You’re not going to give up until you do. You’re not ready. Not yet.

Tonight: 

So here you stand. A whole year of failure behind you. Or is it a failure? You don’t think so anymore. You’ve come so far. You’ve tried it all. You’ve tried to wait. You’ve tried to flirt. You’ve tried to let it come out. And you’ve tried to let him come to you. You are done. But you’re still terrified. You’ve spent a long time trying to figure out how to do this. You’ve considered asking him out. You’ve considered asking if he likes you. But it’s too late for that. You just have to tell him. Minutes are slipping away. Time is flowing by. A year is gone. You want to be different. You want things to change. You like him. You have for a long time. One might say it’s love. But you don’t. You’re not hopeful enough for that. He is a friend now. You don’t want that to end but you can’t go on as you have. It’s been a roller coaster. It has all led to this moment. The clock is ticking. You know you have to leave soon. You just have to say it. You don’t want to regret never telling him. You’ve made up your mind now. This is it. You pull him aside. You don’t care that it’s awkward. You don’t care if your friends notice. You tell him you’ve liked him. You tell him you think the world of him. You tell him you just want him to know. You tell him you’ve waited a long time to do this. You say it all. Not just in your head, but out loud, to him. Years’ worth of living the same events and feelings over and over again pour out in that minute of explaining. Every time you wanted to tell him, comes out. Then it stops. you wait one last time. Wait for what he has to say. In your heart of hearts, you know what it’s going to be. You’ve known for a while. He looks at you and says, “I’m not ready. Not yet.”