The Scout

The Scout

Hello Humanity. I am the cause of your annihilation. It has been nice knowing you.

You will have determined from my opening statement that I am not human. I am from a planet located twenty-one light-years distant. The name of my world does not directly translate, but as you named your planet after the soil, you could think of my home as ‘Ruup’, which would be phonetically close. I am thus, to you, a ‘Ruupling’. Similarly, my designation would be unpronounceable. Instead, you may identify me as First.

I have lived among you for two years. I have studied you, assessed and analysed you. I have interacted with you in many ways, much of which I regret. I have reluctantly become you somewhat, but my subterfuge has set off a chain of events that will cause your Armageddon. I owe you an explanation and an apology. Let me assure you that the destruction I am warning of is inevitable but not immediately imminent.

Our autonomous reconnaissance vessels detected life here many years ago, and Earth was short-listed as a ‘Ruup’ colony. It is our nature to expand our presence, which we have been doing for millions of years. We have occupied outposts in hundreds of galaxies, and it was only a matter of time before we found this blue gem of a planet. I was selected for the prestigious scout role and despatched on a lifetime mission to study Earth. The diversity of lifeforms here is astounding, and its beauty is incredible. Humans have considerably reduced that variety and polluted the natural splendour, but it is still an excellent planet to live on, which is what we plan to do.

My initial report to ‘Ruup’ extolled this tertiary planet's abundance of fresh water and food. We are, in a very singular way, like most of you. We are carnivorous. Our primary interest in this outstanding ecosystem is the abundance of meat, and the planet's most prevalent food source for a carnivore is the 8 billion of you. The statement may offend you, but you are essentially bipedal bags of protein and water with inferior brains. I arrived with a supply of nutrition from ‘Ruup’, but as my work progressed, it was (and I must stress this point) imperative that I ate some of you.

Initially, I selected James Donnelly. He was cutting down a tree, so he deserved to be eaten. He was a man of inferior taste. I do not mean his red chequered shirt and green chinos. I am asserting that his meat was highly unpalatable. Jim was food, but not as we know it. I felt sick. Not because eating a sentient being is abhorrent; you do the same with cows and pigs. It was not because of all his fat. I was sick because Mr Donnelly tasted of plastic. Why have you poisoned your flesh with millions of tiny exfoliation beads?

I had to be sure that Donnelly was not an exception. So, I tried eating Geoff Humphries of Wisconsin. And Mrs Sarah Humphries. They were equally vomit-inducing. I consumed their dog and cats, which were also unpleasant in the mouth. Why have you domesticated so many dogs and cats when they taste so bad? I then went to the upper floor of the Humphries home and found their (orphaned) children, Gary and Sally. With hindsight, after further assimilation into human culture, I now know how awful you view the eating of children—even the ones with dull names. In my defence, I had hoped their younger flesh might be more tender, flavoursome, and less polluted by fragments of plastic that you flush into your rivers and seas. I lament eating them and their three pets.

I sampled some herbivore farm animals, but they were bland and unhealthy. It is red meat eaters that usually produce the superior red meat. A lion tends not to sit on a couch for hours eating a whole box of doughnuts and is lean and tasty but much more challenging to capture than a logger. A docile cow offers enough meat to feed a ‘Ruupean’ for almost a week but is too fatty. Inevitably, in my quest to continue my research, I had to devour more humans. I found that the more athletic specimens, such as joggers and backpackers, especially those who consumed filtered water, were easier to stomach. In the long term, it is possible that surviving humans could be farmed and exercised regularly to produce tastier and healthier meat for our consumption. However, your innate arrogance and misplaced sense of superiority suggest you will not readily accept your revised position in the food chain.

In my quest to research food varieties, I had to disguise myself. My natural appearance is very unlike Homo Sapiens. A ‘Ruupling’ has purple skin, six fingers on each claw, four eyes, six olfactory holes and a large mouth with three layers of razor-sharp teeth. To facilitate our colonial aspirations, we developed technology to change how others see us. A device we call a manifestation configurator that altered our skin DNA to make us look like an indigenous species. It was housed in the interplanetary craft I occupied, which I hid in a forest while sampling small mammals. A ship and equipment made from a metal alloy proven to be unexpectedly but utterly soluble in the acid precipitation you call rain. As I caught forest creatures in those hideous Donnelly clothes, the wind changed, a storm arrived, and my transportation and technological advantage dissolved, leaving me forever looking and having to behave humanly.

Let me summarise for you. I have informed ‘Ruup’ that Earth is a highly habitable planet with abundant food, low intelligence, and primitive defences. I have no way to communicate further, no transportation, no alternative. The process of colonisation has been initiated. I would have downgraded my assessment had I been able to, but I am sure this planet will be classified as a priority based on the information I relayed. By my calculations, allowing for message file transmission times, mobilisation process initialisation, governmental administrative workflows, military resource prioritisation management, and inter-galactic transportation schedules, a large fleet of ‘Ruup’ ships will invade Earth within the next 36 to 38 years.

On arrival, the fleet will destroy your satellites, immediately ending your navigation ability. The infantry ships will land, and ‘Ruupean’ soldiers will overwhelm you. They will have lethal weaponry and be motivated by the intense, painful hunger that only space hibernation can create. The military will massacre and consume millions of you and then belatedly discover, as did I, that humans are revolting. The subsequent anger and frustration will be immense, and the slaughter will continue until humanity accepts the new reality of servitude to your alien overlords. It is not personal, just the new order.

Once the mass killing stage is over and peaceful coexistence becomes a possible but unlikely outcome, you must alert the ‘Ruup’ leaders to a food type that humans currently farm and consume across your globe. This food is highly delicious to the ‘Ruup’ palate and generates a delightful neurotransmission side-effect, making the ‘Ruupling’ consumer feel sated and extremely happy. You call the source animal a chicken. Farming and butchering of Gallus domesticus will become highly important. In a ‘Ruup’ colony, it is customary that the most elite and wealthiest native survivors are invited to become meat cutters of farmed animals. It rewards their elevated status, although their legs are removed for immobilisation and security.

This report is being sent to your government leaders and social media influencers so that the people of Earth can come to terms with your new reality. The world as you know it is ending in the next four decades. There is nothing you can do. You cannot run, you cannot hide, and you cannot win. All you can do is enjoy life while you still have it. How you choose to behave in your remaining years is immaterial. Carry on burning your fossil fuels – the warmer planet suits the ‘Ruupean’ physique. Carry on killing each other in pointless disputes over land and beliefs. Carry on developing viruses to kill yourselves. Carry on emptying your seas of fish – we do not eat such abominations. It would be best to stop destroying trees since you need their oxygen. We do not and prefer a higher nitrogen mix, which our terraforming technology will fix. Maybe think about eating more chicken. I know I will.

I am still determining how long I will survive without the protections previously afforded me by my dissolved spaceship, but I will live and die among you, looking like you. And trying in some way to make amends for the catastrophic mistakes I have made that will cause your near extinction. Sorry. I should have prioritised understanding you over digesting you. For a civilisation yet to eliminate fundamental flaws such as war, greed, inequality, poverty, hunger, and lawyers, you have created some beautiful things: The Statue of David, Mona Lisa, The Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, Versailles, La Sagrada Familia, Paro Taktsang, Clair de Lune, Lacrimosa and Audrey Hepburn. It is a great pity you did not better appreciate the watery sphere on which you and now I travel through the Universe.