I am trying to fill an empty space

There is always an empty space in myself, you know. That’s the space in my heart.

I always think of myself as an insecure person who is always looking for something to fill the emptiness of my soul and heart. Since I was in elementary school, I had always been trying to get be the first at everything. Getting the first on the podium, being the first in the racing game of school, being the soloist in the school events, be the speaker on the anniversary of school. I had always been very aggressive in hoarding all kinds of fames and prizes. All the trophies and cups I got were golden enough to make me smile. I deeply felt that having all these could make myself feel that I am fulfilled, as I always felt that there is always something missing in my body, something very important and significant that make me feel complete.

My sense of insecurity made me do a lot of silly things, especially those naughty ones. Sometimes I felt that, as a person, should be hoarding both good and evil in a body in order to be perfect. This idea was strange enough, but I think I am born with this perfectionism. While getting aces in class, getting the top seat on the podium and getting all the praises from school, I still felt I could do something remarkable to catch more attention. When I was in second grade in school, there was an epidemic disease spreading around my school, which they called smallpox. This infectious disease is usually prevalent in children and would unfortunately last for seven days on your body and would get you fever. This is a horrible disease which could leave scars on your skin. Then there was a boy, who happened to be sitting next to me, be the first to get this disease and because he was always dripping saliva from his mouth, and he didn’t really care of personal hygiene, I was infected by him sadly. I wasn’t very angry about it as those teachers said a person could only get smallpox once. I admit, I contracted his pox fluid on purpose just to test if this theory worked. I sadly regret it right now. The outbreak of smallpox was awful, I got fever and started to have inflammation and acne kind of small poxes appeared on my face and body. They told me not to poke them or they would leave a scar on my skin. To my personality, of course I wanted to try and see if they said the true thing. So I poked one of the pox on my face and it really left a scar. I was so stupid. How impulsive I was so now I don’t have the smooth skin anymore and I have to cover my scar with makeups and foundations. I was feeling so empty that I wanted to find anything to fulfill my ignorance and boredom. This is so silly. After a few days, having no idea why my schoolteachers still let me be in class with my classmate, I was looking for a revenge because I still didn’t believe smallpox can be contagious. So I used one of my pox fluid and put in on my the inner part of my classmate’s desk. Her desk was on the other end of classroom so I thought my teacher would not have suspect me. To my surprise, my classmate got the smallpox the next day and she quitted school even. I was in a village school where uneducated people were so dominant, they believed that education could only lead to destruction because of the spirit of free wills. Since then, there was an outbreak in the entire classroom which I was not sure why. This is definitely not my fault as I realized my evil act and I stopped doing it but then people started to keep touching each other even with their pox broken. I didn’t know how to explain this phenomenon but I just felt bad about myself. Only because I was being willful and made a naughty and evil act, some people quitted school, some people started giving up on studying but praying to God, some people got seriously sick.

After elementary school, I went on to continue my education. I still kept my aggressive personality and tried to catch every opportunity to make myself excel from the crowd. I always wanted everything, I wanted everything to be big, large and more. The house I live I wanted the largest, the pretty things I saw I wanted them more and only for me, the most delicious food I wanted more and I wanted to take them whenever I wanted. I always wanted to collect everything possible at my home but I didn’t like sharing them with others. My sense of insecurity made me feel that I could lost all of them one day if I didn’t protect them. I could never be satisfied about what I got. Even I know that I have got all the precious things people wanted, I still insisted in pursuing the better, the higher and the greater.

Finally, after all the messy things I had done, I met my wonderful Angel, who matches my standard of greater, better and higher. He is intelligent, handsome, loving, forgiving with integrity. I often think that, his creation is a complete massacre of human race. How could this world has this beauty Angel? God must have created this Man, for the salvation of this miserable world, I always think. I always feel that, his existence filled my empty soul so that I could stop doing stupid things. I would love to end my praises for my beautiful Angel with a poem I wrote for him.

I am trying to fill an empty space,

with your presence

and in your pace.

I am trying to fill a blank canvas,

with your hues

and in your divas.

I am trying to occupy a hollow soul,

with your spirits

and combat with fouls.

I am trying to replenish a vacant vessel,

with your sweetness

and by your missiles.