The window was only escape i could found. Feel like sometimes you don't have anyone you could look up to, noone to hear you, understand you or even in that case nonone to look at you properly for a real few minutes. My window is I think pretty big enough to see full view of our overlooking street.
It's 2 a.m and I have to change my sanitary pad third time from evening. Bleeding wasn't stopping it's 40th day my little newborn was doing all fine though he weigh only 2.45 kg.
But then all matter is that how's the child doing, I was at deadbed in operation theater and my husband wasn't then I was feeding and changing clothes of my kids, my husband wasn't and now this bloody bleeding doctor said it could bleed upto 50 days not to worry. It is is normal-abnormal.
I quit worrying you know lately, when you know that you can't do anything, you want to do with your life, in your whole life. Could one worry about anything. Does it even make sense.
it's a big void in my thoughts, can't articulate what shall I do to make my life make sense and today this window bliss that void with drizzle of June. We had a view of white flowers and yellow flowers dangling opposite of our window overlooking on street. No, no the trees, are not belong to us. Odd, you know sometimes even your own blood sounds like it doesn't belong to you and sometimes a drop of dew could cuddle you the way only your loved one could do.
In, 2001, I was thinking about him here at window, first time you know ! my X boyfriend I mean, I loved him and he too. But we never loved each other enough . He passed away, two years back in Canada, I read the news on his brother's Facebook Page, the obituary was as simple as he would like to choose. I just come to know about it,by sitting at this window, it is witness to my untold words dribbling through tears and never been seen or heard by anyone I mean noone.
Clouds, dark, gray, white,joined like rugby ayers on game and scattered like black horses, you know how they could be everything, the clouds, more you imagine more you it will make sense, watching and thinking about clouds I mean, first time I believe in God when I saw a rainbow through clouds, not with full and all colours, one colour was off shade, you know sometimes nature could also be faulty and moody. I was suicidal that day, nothing hood was coming into my life, my parents were screwed each other like Appolo 13 mission they just were there to touch their dream land and something happened and they landed back, back to unloved zone. But only difference is these people, my parents will die trying their flip-flop mission they are that screwed you know
So yeah, I cried pushing hard on my mouth not to make a voice and have it more drama in the house and it went that way a lot of time, when once my maths teacher try to assault me because I was wearing a frock no, I only share with my best friend and she told me nothing like that but that Math's Sir, tried to move my frock and he did almost upto my thigh and I make a run from the empty class and save myself that's what I think I mean but really, did I save myself or by not confronting him and not telling everyone I just let myself feel the way I am feeling now, right now, don't know how many times this window caught me down, so down that I don't even dare to see myself in mirror. The reflection of a useless person who could only complain and who could only become victim by becoming more frank and friendly
So yeah when I lost my boyfriend and when I even lost my golden earing for which I have to hear a lot of shoutings from my parents being 24 how worthless it sound from their voice and once they complete with their wisdom lecture they often come with food plate telling me how unconditional their love is and how much they are concerned for me.
The only concerned thing in, my life, I found out when I need is this window because when I tired from my own life I start to peep through these window into other's life, I mean look that two old men standing near that banyan tree, near that yellow roof garage, they were and are best friends. Since I was 16 I used to watch them. One day I was up for late at night and sobbing silently for one or the other reasons and I could literally heard someone loudly abusing some doctor and nurse and I just took a peek it was him...Bheem, I tell him Bheem in my head he look like that character and watching a huge man crying and sobbing and drooping is uncomfortable more than even to see myself I think crying and then I could hear him clearly because it was 2.00 am and winter was full on its mood and then that Bheem said "I will loose my child, if he couldn't get operated but to whome I could ask for money and I know you are also as same in position as me" and and the other friend who looks like a thin little stick fidget with his bag and then gave his friend a folded carry bag and said "this is money you asked for on phone and Bheem said how did you get it and the other man said I got my gratuity, as you know I took early retirement."
Bheem said " yes, I know but you need it for buying your home"
and He said " home never could be feel like home in the absence of our own solemnity. We need to do what we want to feel the home that resides in us and if that home moved we can't stay happy any further anywhere in the world
I saw one day a girl who was lost and crying in a hot summer noon and some aunt had catch her because she wasn't having her footwear and she stand there for an hour relaxing the girl buying her Choclate till her parents come and you know what ! that parent just didn't even say thank you to the lady they just fetch the girl from her and start yelling at the girl and get away.
Get away people do this all the time they just got what they want and they get away to make you realize that you need a window that will flash lightning on your face when you need thrill, that it will pour some sunlight on your hands when you feel your hands are getting darker without anyone noticing it, window that will splash some breeze to make you realize that look around you are not alone not at all
I was about to close it and on the moonlit road I saw something, a man fighting with five stray dogs, gripping and wounding a weak sheep, I stuck, for a while and I think we all need to stuck for a while to get away from something for a while