Shattered Illusions

Shattered Illusions: Unveiling the Shadows of Desolation

Trigger warning (TW): Thoughts of suicide and swearing.

I feel a pang in my heart as he laughs with Avscia. How could she be so okay with… I will be leaving next year, anyway. She could have him all she wanted. If there was something I learned in my lifetime, it would be that love is a piece of fucking shit, and it does nothing but harm. I have only ever liked two people in my life, yet they both managed to break me. You know, at this point, I don’t even care. 

The way he says my name is different. The way he looks at me makes me feel butterflies flying in my stomach. But yet, why would he ever like me? All I am to him is a classmate. A classmate who is only better than him at Spanish. He calls me weird and nerdy when talking to his friends, and when talking to me he infers that I’m ugly— which is the truth. I feel like my parents flinch when they see my face. Why would anyone want to be near me— except to use me for the knowledge that I have? I can’t even count the number of times so-called ‘friends’ have left me because they decided they didn’t need me anymore. How many genuine friends do I have? I honestly don’t think I have any. God, it would be so much easier if I were just into girls– even easier if I didn’t like anyone in the first place. 

I would be lucky if someone wanted to talk to me. Even the friends from my closest friend group have been avoiding me. Who would want to talk to me?– personally haven’t met any. Who would like to be friends with me?– I don't think those people really exist. Why would anyone even look at me? People would rather scratch out their eyes than look at me. I would do that— so I wouldn’t have to look at myself every day and night, every minute and every second. 

My classmates and teachers– even my parents– think I’m fine. But am I? My classmates hated me. Everyone thought I was a stupid nerdy bitch who wanted people to like her. People acted like they cared and I believed it– until their acting started making things worse. Nothing goes well– ever. My mother blamed me for the hell she had to live through. My dad blamed me for the cause of their broken marriage. My parents probably hated me like everyone else did. My parents argued and I was the reason why. Do you think I would be fine after that? Not crying doesn’t mean not feeling pain. I’m just… too used to it. Do you think I would be okay with someone calling me titles and names that hurt? Do you think I would be okay when I have to put a knife to my face to get my dad to shut up? Do you think I would be okay with people avoiding me every single day? Screw the people who think I’m okay. Screw the people who say I have a good life. Screw them. Screw them all. I’m fucking tired of always having to live up to their expectations. They can’t fucking assume I’m okay because I don’t show my fear; because I don’t show my stress; because I don’t cry. Am I human? Yes, I am. Am I perfect? Not even close. Fuck those who think that. 

Another round of laughter fills my ears. Avscia and… him. I can feel my eyes heat up, and my nose starting to sting. I force a smile and pretend to yawn. Some days I’m barely hanging on, and today is one of those days.

As I hear the laughter, louder and louder, I feel my throat closing up. It felt hard to breathe. I coughed into my blue school hoodie and Avscia eyed me before looking away, to return to her conversation. Of course. I’d come to meet another friend who doesn’t give a fuck about me. He turns around to look at me. He gives me that look that asks me if I am okay. I force a smile through the pain. He gives me a worried look, and the butterflies come back. My heart pounds and fantasies play at the back of my head. But who was I kidding? He was probably acting– just like everyone else. Who in their right mind would care for me? As far as others knew, I was a bitchy nerd who had social problems. 

I cough again, finding it hard to breathe as they start laughing again. And as far I could tell, Avscia was flirting with the one person I hoped she would stay away from. My crush! My heart hurt, beating quickly. I felt like my rib cage was collapsing into an unending abyss, bringing me down with it. My mind plunged into a dark well— words flooding into my head. My mind was like an ocean at night. When shallow, its warmth comforts you. When deep into the oceans, the waves are a raging bull. Its walls can make everyone become claustrophobic, drowning one at their weakest. Some people would call this ocean, a well of intrusive thoughts. I am not sure anymore– because the more its waters tormented me, the more it took over me.

Be careful and stay away. People would say that. To my face.

I’m a stupid girl who wishes that her crush would like her back. What was that word when one’s crush likes them back? Oh yeah— imagination. There was no doubt that Avscia liked him. And why wouldn’t he like her? She was everything I wasn’t. Pretty, confident… she got everything that she wanted— unlike me. She looked like a model, smart as a lawyer. 

“Another high score, Joanne,” my Spanish teacher told me. I forced a smile. This is what made all of my classmates hate me. Honestly, I’m over being me. I’d rather have friends than have good grades. Everyone gave me that tired look— they’d gotten tired of me always getting good grades. They hated me for getting good grades but didn’t hate him? He got the best grades in maths and science, yet still had tons of friends. God…

I was brought into this world, I might as well just bring myself out of it.