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Submitted into Contest #53 in response to: Write a story that begins with someone's popsicle melting.... view prompt
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2 comments
Hey! I was sent your story in the critique circle email. First, I want to say that I really like the twist. I wasn't expecting it, but it still made sense and was foreshadowed, which a well-done twist should be. My biggest critique is that the POV and tense is inconsistent. In the first paragraph, the second person pronoun you is used, which told me that the reader was a character in the story who was watching the girl, but none of the rest of the story was told in second person. When the girl left to the bathroom, it was jarring as the...
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Thank you! I appreciate the feedback. It is difficult to get the right context when writing hastily on a cellular device. Plus, this was one of my very first stories. :-)
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