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Submitted to: Contest #53
Written in response to: "Write a story that begins with someone's popsicle melting."
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Hey! I was sent your story in the critique circle email. First, I want to say that I really like the twist. I wasn't expecting it, but it still made sense and was foreshadowed, which a well-done twist should be.
My biggest critique is that the POV and tense is inconsistent. In the first paragraph, the second person pronoun you is used, which told me that the reader was a character in the story who was watching the girl, but none of the rest of the story was told in second person. When the girl left to the bathroom, it was jarring as the reader not to follow her because it seemed like we were going to be an agent in the plot!
The tense also switches up quite a bit. I think you were going for present tense, but you also use past tense occasionally. For example, "With a look of surprise upon his face John PLACES the dress on the sink counter and leaves. LEAVING her to the privacy of the bathroom the young girl slips into the bath water. The warmth OVERWHELMED her entire body like a loving embrace." The first two sentences are present tense while the last is past. (The break between the first 2 sentences is also incorrect, leaving the second without a subject. Who is leaving?) When writing in present tense, it is important to go over your work for consistency, because English speaker naturally write in past tense, so it is easy to make mistakes.
Keep on writing!
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Thank you! I appreciate the feedback. It is difficult to get the right context when writing hastily on a cellular device. Plus, this was one of my very first stories. :-)
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