Run

I never thought I would find myself still in this state, a desolate place where all my worst nightmares had come true. They had consumed me for the past five years. Yet here I still was. Patapsco State Park was the closest and most familiar escape from reality that I had. I had always been interested in environmental junk, but allergies to various different types of trees had kept me from actually doing much in the outside world.  But today I had laced up my tennis shoes, put on my yoga pants, and ventured out. The world was starting to warm up, hints of a chill still clung in the air but a light jacket kept the shivers at bay. I had been telling myself for weeks I would start walking more, burn off all the excess fat that had built up over too much time. If I could at least get started, I would be one step closer to finding my self confidence and the look that I wanted. But what had really chased me out here? I was physically walking, but mentally running away from all the emotions I had been holding in for the last six months. There had been a lot of disappointment and things finally came to a head. My most recent somewhat relationship had once again fallen apart a few weeks ago and I had told myself it was time to move on. I went on a couple dates with a new guy but the more time I actually spent with him, the more I realized we had zero similar interests and really everything was just the same conversations each and every day. I was so tired of it. But I felt like a bitch just ditching him when he was trying so hard. But I didn’t actually like him in a romantic way. I didn’t care about meditating or crystals or kale. So I ran back to my ex. I ran and made excuses. First I was sick, which I really was. Then the medications kept making me nauseous, which was also true. I just wasn’t feeling very social. But in reality I was more than happy to be in my ex’s presence even though the hurt from our last interaction was still a stain on my memory. He didn’t want me around as much as I wanted to be. He got mad at me for being mad at him. I was trying to decide if it was worth the sacrifices of certain things to just stay in the relationship I was more comfortable in. I hated how this new guy just stared at me, a self admitted creep apparently, but I also hated how my ex barely showed me any physical attention. I was starving on one end of the spectrum, and spilling over on the other. Was I simply too needy? Or was I just trying to figure out which extreme I wanted to settle for? Did I simply love the idea of love or did I actually deserve it?

Leaves and branches crunched under my feet as I picked up the pace. There was so much silence around me, I hadn’t seen any other cars in the lot when I pulled up in my crappy Hyundai. I was grateful to be alone. I was never really the type of person who sought out solitude but I felt like at this point I really needed it. I was ready to explode, I was terrified of the next steps. I knew I couldn’t keep avoiding all my problems forever. But I was going to scream if I heard one more person tell me I needed to learn how to be happy all on my own. I would never be. I hated everything about myself, so I tried to love everything about someone else. I was just causing myself to rot away, and that’s why no one ever stuck around for long. I was the winter, and everyone else was spring. I was dead or dying, they were all living. We clashed together on the periphery, just slightly melted together. But we never really belonged together. The sound of rushing water became more apparent as I made it to the bank of the river. The open air was too much for me to handle as I fell to my knees, the sharpness of the rocks cutting through the fabric of my pants. Yes, this is where I belonged. The sun was trying to hide and so was I, deep into the recesses of my mind. It was begging me to keep my feet moving, to reach just a little bit further. But I was already lost. My hands rubbed back and forth against my thighs as I tried to seek out an inspirational thought. There was nothing. I saw myself only as a blank page that should be tossed away as soon as possible, like the canvas of an artist who can’t form the right idea. I forced myself to get back to my feet, my knees now itched. But it didn’t matter. It was a surprise I could feel anything at all. I was quickly shutting down, turning into the person I always told myself I should be. Unaffected, disciplined, hiding behind a mask that no one was allowed to see behind. I toed off my shoes before also dispensing my socks as I reached where the water met the land. The sun hadn’t had enough time to make the water as warm as the air. The temperature bit into my skin and I almost cringed. Extremes were what was needed. I needed to let go. I shuffled a bit further, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one had snuck up to enjoy the show. But I was still alone. I slid my phone out of the small side pocket. No notifications. Of course there weren’t. No one wanted to chase a lost soul. I powered it down and stared at it once last time before throwing it into the murky water. And then it just drifted away and I breathed a sigh of relief.