The Specter of my heart

“Can you keep a secret”, our conversation was going so well, “Yeah sure, go ahead”, “Lois I don't like that word “Sure”. Isaiah was peculiar, always telling me what he did not like, I guess that is a good thing. He is tall, his eyes are enchanting, because it holds every meaning to his words. His skin is Golden , his dark long curls are always hopping about, his hands are soft, inviting, I always want  to hold them. “Ok , yes I can keep a secret”, he smiled, his smile was so softening, it made me feel warm inside. “ Can we enjoy each other’s company , keep us , between us?”, I am shaken, my mind is blank, my thoughts are gone. I want to be honest, tell him that I do not  want to hide us. I stare at the grass dancing to the tune of the wind, my mind, wandering. He breaks the silence “ You know I cherish every moment with you, I am undeniably lucky to have you , I am, I just want to protect what we have”, he had a way with words, I am content, I answer “Yes”. He holds my hand and tickles my palm as we stare at the gentleness of nature. As it gets later, he offers to walk me home. He walks me to the road leading home, as I walk away he runs to his home. Rhoades was a quiet town, a simple town, neighbours always  greet me, smile and wave. As I approach home, Sya sees me from her window and rushes down excitedly to me.”Hey, are you still going dancing with Rowe and Kaden?” she asks longingly. Sya was my closest friend, it is almost impossible to say no to her, but who told her I enjoyed dancing, more importantly that I was interested in Kaden. Kaden is too much fun, too loud and egotistical. I remember what Isaiah said, I will keep the secret. “Ok sure, I  mean yes, I will change and meet you”. I open the door to my house, “ Hey mom, can I hang out with Sya?”, “Hey darling, yes you can , did you have fun at the park?” , “Yeah I definitely did !”. I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, I go to the closet ,pick up something to wear, I enter the bathroom, I stare at my reflection, my hair is curly, kinky and soft, my skin is like fresh honey in a jar, I love who I see, I used to be insecure, uncomfortable because I did not get validation I thought I needed from others, Isaiah opened my mind to the fact- he said, that I did not need others opinions to feel good about myself. He never took credit for that, he said I did that on my own , he just held my hands. I put on a brown jacket , a white dress and comfortable shoes, I put my hair in a puff. “The Rivers” shined in bright neon, I have arrived. Rowe and Sya had been together for a year, since the 10th grade. We sit around a table, Rowe and Sya kiss passionately , as if they are reunited lovers , a soldier and a sweetheart after the war. I am uncomfortable, I slip away and I see Kaden coming towards me. He hugs me tightly but I don’t understand this affection, he only waved to me in school. We walk back to Rowe and Sya, they are playing with each other’s faces. “Let’s get ready to dance!”, Kaden shouts. Reluctantly I walk unto the dance floor. The music is loud, I can't hear my thoughts, Kaden holds my waist and grabs me closer to him, I am not enjoying this, I wish I were with Isaiah. I tell everyone I am going to the bathroom , I bustle through the crowd, I sit at our table, I just wanted to get away. The music changes, the piano slows down time, the singer taps into our souls, moving at the tempo of our breaths. Sya and Rowe’s Bodies move as one, she moves her waist slowly, tilting her head up and holding his neck while he moves in sync with her, I guess that’s chemistry. I wonder , since Isaiah wants to keep us a secret will we dance like this?, will our bodies move together as one like this?, I know the answer, but I don’t want to think of this. As I walk home with the others, doubt clouds my mind and the clarity of yesterday is the uncertainty of today and days to come. “Goodnight mom”, “Hey are you ok? How was everything?” I hate hearing this stupid question, ok? How could I be ok, I am outraged, I am hurt, “Yes, I am ok mom”. I rush up to my room, my mother does not notice the worry in my eyes, she does not look long enough. My mom cares for me, I know that, but she does not understand me, Isaiah understands me. I open my eyes, it is a new day, a new day to see him. We meet up at twelve everyday, except Sundays, his mom takes him to church on sundays. Today is Saturday and I am smiling ear to ear. I shower , get ready,  I put on a red top that reveals my shoulders, and my cleavage, I grab a skirt and I moisturize my legs. I undo my flat twists and my curls pop out and I hop them about like Isaiah’s curls. I have breakfast with my mom and we talk about the Founding mothers of Rhoades, an interesting conversation, Nanny Maroon was an incredibly brave woman, one of the more memorable stories. I rush out and speed walk to the park. This was our spot because it was in the woods far from the noise , we were the only ones that were ever there, my mom probably thought I meant Rhoades Park. I wait anxiously, everytime I wait it is like the first time all over again, I always loved nature , I wandered to this park in the second week of summer break and I met him. I look around, the trees move gently, yellowbirds sing their songs and the grass smells fresh and sweet, honeybees fly busily in their nest, I see him coming. I giggle like a child with candy, he is my sweet craving. “ Hello beautiful, I have missed you so much it is frightening” I smile, I laugh , I hug him so tight. We talked and talked , hours went by. I decided to woman up and tell him how I felt about the secret. After pouring out my heart  he says  “Can I have your hand my lady?” ,  “ Are you even listening to me?” I beckon, he replies, “I have listened to every word every sound you have made since the day we met, I’m  asking for your hand, because I hear you, Can I dance with my love now?”.” My love? Is that me?”, I wonder to myself, of course it is me , He loves me, He loves me. “You are just trying to change the subject”, I reply stupidly. “I know I love you, you know I love you , we are happy together, we can dance together, we don’t need to show everyone, but if it is what you want, you can tell everyone that Isaiah is completely and utterly in love with you”, he says. I am now completely sure that he loves me . I grab his face , I lean in to be nearer to his face, our lips finally touch and we become frozen in time, my heartbeat, my breath is slowed, my lips shiver and the chills travel through my body, my eyes are closed but I see him, there is no space between us and the moment lasts forever. He holds my hand after, and tickles my palm. I know that something magical just happened and my mind replays the event one million times. Our time comes to an end , I don’t want to go home, he whispers “Even apart we are together, our hearts have pledged to intertwine, we are a part of each other’s being, we exist as one, so we are never truly separated”, We walk together. As I walk away, I turn to watch him run home, he is gone. I worry for a minute, but I feel a sense of calm over my body. I walk home wishing for sunday to go by quickly, so I can see my love again. On Sunday morning I hear my mother downstairs, I can tell she is excited about something. After washing up, I go downstairs, my mom has a bright smile on her face, “Good morning mom, I-” she cuts me off “I have a surprise for you!, remember our conversation about the founding mothers, I remembered that there was an album at the library and I borrowed it”. I really enjoyed our conversation, I guess my mom had missed these types of conversations we always used to have. She points to the breakfast table, arranged and packed with tasty delights, I sit , I begin to get excited as well. As we eat , Mom opens the album, It is crumbled, the pages are almost brown , but it is so rich with history. We see images of the town when it was established in 1825, The buildings were wooden, the people seemed delighted and merry, they were probably relieved they found a quiet, peaceful settlement , one that they could call their own. History teachers taught us that there were eight founding mothers or families; Sharpe, Garvey, Bustamante, Manley, Gordon, Maroon, Marley, Bogle. I skip through the pages and I see images of the first, Grand Gala celebration. I think about what life must have been like back then, simple and enjoyable. I see images of the first netball team and football team. I think about the reason why I appreciate the old days. They found happiness in each other, they found happiness in family and in nature. I see a very detailed family tree of the Garvey family, Ylida Garvey’s family was a great one, I almost come to the final generation when my breath seizes. My eyes are dry, I am numb, My mind has not realized the dilemma that my heart has encountered. I see an image of Isaiah, My Isaiah, in a history book, No, that is not my Isaiah. The family tree says this person was adopted into the family but greed , power and inheritance came into play and he was killed by his “brother”   in Rhoades forest. My mom comes to sit around the table, she sees me shaking, she cries out my name, I cannot hear her, the sound is gone, I can only hear the unsteadiness of my breathing. She touches me, she shakes me, I am unresponsive. Normality resumes and comes crashing like a defective air shuttle, I take a deep breath. “I, I have to, to, go..” I say shakily to my mom. “Where are you going? You cannot go out like this, I know something is wrong, What is it?”. I run, as if I’m being chased by the truth , I will not accept this. That person must be his Great Grandfather or relative, that was not my Isaiah. I just saw Isaiah yesterday, we kissed, he told me he loves me, I just need to see him. I run , I keep running even though I am out of breath. I run along the road that he usually takes home but I don’t see a house in sight. I have to stop. I am in the midst of confusion, my mind cannot focus, I breathe , I think. He must be at church, there are only 2 churches in town, I can check them both. Trying to stay calm I approach the church, the ceremony is beginning, I look around, I ask “Have you seen him, Isaiah?, Have you?” , the woman is concerned for me she holds my back gently, “Who are you looking for dear?”, “Isaiah Garvey, yes that is his name”, “Honey, the only Isaiah Garvey I know about has passed, his picture is in the hall way”. I walk to the hall, I see on the wall, “Rhoades Baptist Church Fallen Angels”, I see his picture, I recognise the necklace he is wearing. I fall, tears burst out of my eyes, I do not understand what is happening, how is it that I can see him, touch him, feel him. I leave the church, I walk to our park, still hopeful. I shout “Isaiah! Isaiah! Isaiah! Isaiah! Isaiah! Isaiah! “. I wait, I cry, I cry, I wait. It is almost night. I hug my knees, and rest my head. The wind sings me a sad song, the trees dance gently and mourn with me, The night is cold and I shiver, he was always so warm, he could make me feel better. I cry until my nose hurts, my head hurts, everything is hurting. How could this be love? Was I just so lonely I created this relationship with a ghost. My mind goes through so many scenarios, It is very hard to understand. I remember something, he asked me to keep a secret, he wanted to protect what we have. It must have been real, It was real, It is real. I whisper “I am here, I don’t care about anything else except for the fact that we are in love, I feel that in my heart , and that is the realest feeling I’ve felt, you taught me so many lessons, I’ve grown with you, by you, I love you”. Suddenly the forest quiets, the trees are still, the darkness is calming, the music of the earth is soothing, My palm is tickled and I know he is present. He lives, he lives in my reflection, In my mind, my soul and my heart.