“You are beautiful, You are brave, You are the best person I’ve ever met, I love you!” Those were the words I would have loved to hear, but instead I heard words that were horrible, nasty and take away your self-motivation. It‘s like your drowning and the people you care for, let you, it makes you build a steel wall in which your thoughts are the only things that can help you. It’d wrap you up into its embrace and comfort you, then it backstabs you and instead goes back to the horrible side, ‘mental and physical torture’ they call it but I call it ‘ my best friend’ ‘my first and last’ and ‘ reality’. It's like a pill which helps you get to sleep, make decisions and will eventually be the only thing that sticks around. I always took things for granted, now where did that lead me. I’ve now learnt throughout 25 years of living on Earth that nothing good will ever stay and if you think like that then you can’t face reality and therefore aren’t living in reality. Seize everything you want and when an opportunity comes, snatch it and grip onto it as if it is the last option. Yep, that’s my thought on life. What’s yours? Actually, no don’t tell me. Let me guess, You wish for an aspiring goal, reach it and fly high or you want a lovely life with a significant other?
Nunca des nada por hecho. Don’t take anything for granted.
As a child I thought I could just submit to the hatred and I thought what people said or did to me was to get me ready for the big world. Everybody reassured me this, but as I fought through life I came to the dead end where I learned to find the truth. And the truth is you can only believe what you tell yourself. When you believe in something that you think of as true, it is true because you believe in it. Now you know where I am going hopefully, common sense, duh. Back to the story.
I squeezed my never-resting eyes shut and buried my head under the pillow. Neither the world or I was going to know when I would complete the assignment, I couldn’t believe I had spent a whole hour in bed, under the safety of my covers. I was pathetic: I was hiding from my work. Was this the life I was going to live? Was I going to self pity myself and act like a slob? NO! Fiel a la cara pero a la vez oscurecida y nublada en el alma. Tue to the face but at the same time obscured and cloudy in the soul.
Okay, so I had a bad life, but who cared, I let my guard down continuously, got used to being loved and then the feeling disappeared. And then I went back to my best friend, my love, basically my bucket of never-ending pills. It’s an exciting loophole! No, it’s not, it’s a never ending twist, it’s like there’s life with no ending, no death. Counting days, every breath I take feels like a waste on me. All they do when they leave is leave bruises. Everyday I awake at night, pace down the hall way, twist my hands shakily into knots, wasting my time on weighing down the pros for cons, but eventually get back to it. My pulse rises every second, I’ve been holding on to find an exit but this won’t stop me. Deep breaths, it hugs me, nurtures me and drags me up when I’m drowning. I’ve been told to get you off of my side, but I need you by my side. If only I could hold onto you, but your end date comes by too quick.
Agitated, I pull you out of the plastic bag, syringe, box, bottle and swallow you. I take you out and insert you into my veins, I sniff your presence and your smoke pleasurably seeps into my lungs. I‘m lost in your love. Nobody else was there for me.
Ashamedly, I peered up. Guilt rose inside of me. I still hadn’t done my work and my thoughts rose over me. Guilt changed to anger. It bubbles inside of me. It overtakes me. The need of pleasure rises inside of me. Angry, heart racing, my mind races back to the time when I had to fend for myself. When I had no one to lean back on. When I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. NOBODY. NOBODY AT ALL. Looking back from the cabinet and my work. I screamed. I couldn‘t, could I? No this time it wasn’t about pleasure, it wasn’t about fulfilling it. It was about doing the opposite. Jumping up,, I faced my fears.
Opening the cabinet door, I pulled the stash that had been hidden inside of a bin bag and opened it. My biggest mistake. They started making me feel sense of what was happening: “No, we are the good guys, Trust us! We help you!” I couldn’t make sense of anything that had occurred, my mind instantly snapped back to the day I felt upset, angry. I grabbed the bag and threw it across the floor. I was going insane- my mind pounded as my heart lay dead. My eyes whizzed, I felt myself have a panic attack. Fuming, I skidded towards the bag and hugged it. Setting foot towards my work, I threw the canvas out of the window, my paints, my brushes, my carving tools and anything I would have wanted to keep a few years ago, before the grand prize arrived.
Is it worth it? Vale la Pena?
Needy and speedy, I ripped open the bag as claws began to form, growling my body wanted more energy. I was beginning to turn into an animal. My fangs wanted to sink into the pill. My mouth ravaged on the saplings in front of me. To everyone they were drugs but to me they were sweets or treats. Eagerly, I sat down clutching the cup, tick, tick, tick, tick... My vision blurred out. It was like my life had been taken out of my clutches. I was losing my mind, and I couldn’t do anything about it. My whole body was numb. My face felt like it had been replaced with wood, it was like my face had been robbed. My life was like the scene in the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, where Narnia had been frozen by the White Witch. The blinds had been pulled and I could feel the spun rays crack and stretch my skin as if I was a vampire. The blood trickled out, I jumped into a sleep, a sleep in which I wouldn’t know how to get back up in, I couldn’t anymore. I had no strength or the will to get back up, nor any reason. It was not like I needed to be anywhere or anybody needed me... except myself.
Coerse Es Un Accidente, Que Darse Ahi Es Una Eleccion. Falling down is an accident, staying there is a choice.