The Same Fear That Held Me Back Now Helps Me

As true as it is, I’ve always hated the line, “all good things must come to an end.” It has never made sense to me. What am I supposed to do when it all ends? ‘The End’ has never considered how it would impact me. What about my emotions? All that time I spent investing my thoughts and feelings only to find out that it would come to an end. 

Seated on the floor, I leaned my back against the wall and started conversing with an old friend. Timor (footnote: Timor is Latin for fear ) sits and listens to what I say, holding my hands in his cold ones. Timor has always listened to me. Even when I have nothing to say, Timor stays by my side. I’ve known Timor for three years now but Timor has known me for longer. 

But I’ve been caught in a circle. Crawling somewhere - anywhere… but I always end up at the start, with scars fresh and tenfold more painful. Unable to achieve anything and move onwards in life. At this point, I’ve stopped trying. My mind has gone blank - thoughts are foreign. Expressing my emotions into understandable words is too much effort. I don’t even know what to say, so what is the point? 

Three years ago, everything had changed. I was okay with changes but this was different. Now, I’m more comfortable in my bedroom, without the lights on, with the curtains closed, and lying still on my bed. I desired nothing. And in that dark place, Timor always waited for me and again, I found myself in Timor’s embrace, scared and crying.  I attempted to regain myself through watching Youtube that would supposedly help but I found myself caught in the same circle. The more I tried to help it the faster I started to fall. 

***

“What happened to you three years ago…” Timor’s question rang in my mind and the day started the resurface again. 

The sky’s usually blue and white palette had changed to shades of grey. The sound of crashing rain on the black concrete and the muffled sounds of cries surrounded me. A crowd of people dressed in black walked past me, each saying something. Some hugged me. A few walked away quickly trying to not cry in front of me. All because you had gone. 

Your photo was placed on top of the black box. Whilst everyone was crying, you were smiling. The twinkle in your eyes and the happiness and peace on your face, I couldn’t remember. You hadn’t smiled brightly for six months. The past six months I only saw pain on your face. But now, you’re at ease. So I wanted to send you off with a smile, but I couldn’t. I was reminded of all our memories. My young self in your healthy arms and the times you picked me up from school on rainy days. The meals filled of love that you prepared for me, regardless of how rude I was to you. 

Our past that I wished so desperately was still our present. I couldn’t imagine a future without you. But that future was now my present.

***

The three years that I couldn’t see my mother's face felt like a tidal wave against my sandcastle of memories of her. Since the day I was forced to say goodbye, I wasn’t the same. I had lost all my passion and desire. I was falling and crumbling and I couldn’t get back on my feet. Whenever I was upset, I would sit on my mother’s sofa and she would hold me tight, comforting me. But she was gone. Timor had taken her seat. He held me in his cold embrace whilst I cried through the night, falling deeper into a dark void.  

“Do you want to try writing music?” she asked. Soft sunlight came through the window revealing the face I longed for the most. Held in my mothers embrace, I stared into her eyes trying to grasp the situation. She sat next to me, with a smile on her face. The warm yellow lamp next to her chair made her eyes twinkle. “You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Whatever pain you're feeling right now, right it down. Write and forget. Let all your painful memories get blown away by the wind.” 

As the wind blew through the big windows, the big white curtains were pushed forward, gently caressing my hand before they returned to their position. As my eyes followed the curtains, I saw a Jacaranda Tree (footnote: Jacaranda Trees represent rebirth) outside the window - much like the one my mother waited for me under as I returned home. It’s beautiful violet flowers against the sunset looked like a sight only seen in fiction. Even though those violet flowers grow to fall, they grow every season without fail. And they look beautiful regardless of being on the floor or on the branches. 

Can I be like that? 

“Yes, I’ll try writing music,” I told her. The first time in three years, I had said ‘yes’. I didn’t know how far it would go but I wanted to try. Even though I didn’t have any passion for anything for the past three years - “I want to forget.”

Lead by a broken compass I walked

My legs gave up and I fell to the floor

I couldn’t remember the time, I last saw your face

Happy; I long for that again 

I questioned the meaning of it all

Desire and passion I had no more

I wanted to run but I was stuck in one place

Caught in a cycle of pain

Dark clouds were over my head 

Couldn’t see the end

But you held my hand and told me

It’s okay to cry just pick yourself up and hold your ground

Your smile, oh the twinkle in your eyes 

Reminds me of the time where I was alive

And now a small spark lights up a fire in my heart

Regardless of the season, I want to keep fighting

Even if I lose a hundred times 

I will pick myself up and hold my ground

Writers Note

First off, thank you for reading my story. I wanted to encourage readers that even if they had something bad happen to them, that as long as they try, nothing can get in the way of their happiness. You might not be going through a loss like my character is, however just like my character, you don't need a huge life changing situation to realise that you can be happy. So just a reminder, whatever is holding you down is not nearly as big as the happiness and blessings that your life holds. Life is a gift so enjoy it. And if your A-okay, then good on you for bringing that happiness not only in your life but others lives as well. Thank you.