31st of January 2013
I know that’s what she always says. All the preaching Jo used to give us in the woods were simply a sound in her mind, sounds that ware quite annoying, but she believed it all. I just hope that one day, everything is going to change; the void I feel and I would tell her how frequently I used her phrase she used to use to quite me down. She would love it; to hear that I used those very annoying phrases she once used to annoy me... shut me up. That’s how I am; presumptuous whenever I think about her and also imaginative.
I miss her. That’s what is going on and I don’t know how to hinder my thought of her walking into my apartment anytime and in her favorite... my favorite silk red dress.
It’s really hard to even think about it. It would feel like going back in time and I would relive all those days. Yes, I don’t regret it either; leaving her behind and escape the faith of spending my entire life in the open cage. That’s what it felt like, cage, but it is in the open, we’re not restrained except in the sense of the mental burden we feel obliged to. Hell, I sometimes pray in the same sense and feel his coming. Apparently, we are waiting for the return of a ‘god’; God of fire, Hephaestus.
I don’t know how to explain but I still believe that, there was and still is some sort of magic that work miracles there. Jo discovered the sacred black water cave, I wouldn’t say discover is the right word for it, since he was guided in his dream. The water is real black water, no odder but black with power to heal and enlighten us to our life style in the cult; we feel connected. Until we turn Seven, we don’t get to be baptized and we get to speak and laugh as we please.
Yes, I was born and raised in a cult. We used to do a lot, but no words at all, but at time of crises, mating season and prayer. Matting isn’t exactly like falling in love and you get to have conversation. It is at the end of summer and everyone get to dress different, in color, since we are all always dressed in black every day of the entire year. We gather and enjoy music; original melody, foods and drinks; you get to sleep with anyone you desire at that time of the year.
It works like: You’re not exactly to stick with that person, next year will be with different person and the next with another one... perhaps you might get to be with the first one, again, if you’re lucky. Well, you wouldn’t know who you are sleeping with since we all use mask anyways. It is barbaric and unusual, I know. I am judgmental about it now, but back in time that was the only truth I know to be real and I would think the rest of the world was like that as well. It is a day we get to celebrate what our body desires and nothing more than that. We were expected to have no emotional attachment towards anything and anyone. It was to prepare us, to sacrifice anything and anyone when it is time for us to give up what’s expected from us.
Now that I see life out here, I would say it is a life like dolphins unlike barbaric; after all, all male looks after every child thinking it might be theirs, no strings attached and no one loves anyone differently.
How am I here in the real world?
I fall in love with the wrong girl. She resembles everything the word danger stands for; Jo, our leader, named her Lume, which means fire in Galician. Molotov-red long hair, long neck slim body and pure-hazel brown eyes. Now that I am thinking about it, he must have traveled a lot to end up the cult leader he is now.
Her pink small lips parting for a smile bewitched me and when she spoke for preaching, it felt like she only meant them for me that I wasn’t only loving her but because of her I was becoming an extremist, pious. She was the only read head in the cult and the only person who can start the fire with the enchantment; the prayer fire in the cave. She was worshiped as goddess, that when she even walked out her chamber for fresh air, we would all bow to her.
We all have roles to play in the cult. I’m tall and masculine; I was one among the hunters. I one day bumped into her returning from a hunting and she simply smiled looking at me. I didn’t know what exactly happened but I remembered as I still feel that stingy feeling in my chest; it was as if the whole world stopped spinning. At the annual celebration day, I was scared when Jo called for me privately, I was bathed and prepared for something with a lot of warning to not harm her. She summand me into her chamber and she was seventeen and I was eighteen, she wasn’t my first but I was for her and she chose me. I had to visit her at her request every day after that celebration and she became my salvation since I get to speak when I was with her.
31ST of August 2019
“Are you sure we are on the right path?” a middle-aged woman asks Naomi with concern to where they are heading.
“Didn’t you see it, Maya?” She smiles to her as she shakes her head. “He has left all the information for me. Buried in the box under the stone, right where he said he would leave it for me.”
“I'm sure they will notice we are absent by now,” Maya seems agitated, scared of what is to come if they aren’t to go back home in time.
“Look at me, do I look good?” Naomi asks her spreading her arms sideways. “I want him to love me.”
“He did,” she answers to her as she looks at her from head to toe. She is in black long dress and her red hair is lose. Her pale skin is magnified between her hair and her black dress. “I hope he haven’t moved on and that you didn't waste your time coming here.”
“He should come back home,” Naomi holds her head up as she thinks. “He should see our Ruby on her big day,” she smiles as she thinks. “I don’t care if he’s moved on or not,” she shakes her head as she tries to set her thought straight.
“You are always the most beautiful,” Maya smiles to her. “Naomi,” she giggles after mentioning her name.
“I like the name, it sounds like music,” she weaves her hands above her head. “I love the sound of it,” she adds as she turns to the door of the apartment, she is supposed to be in. She turns around and looks to the surrounding, the hallway to the apartment doors seem too quiet, but it is obvious it is a family apartment building; it is quite and calming. “You know, he promised he would wait for me in an environment that feels like home,” she presses a smile and load her chest with air.
“Don’t worry, it’s not like he would have a choice. Seeing you will change everything,” Maya presses a smile as she looks at her with an encouraging eye.
1st of July 2015
After escaping from my life, it took me two years to manage to get acquainted to this new life.
I don’t remember how exactly Lume managed to convince me to run away but I did it. She wasn’t able to join me for reasons I am not able to understand. I remember the night; we were running in the woods and she suddenly felt sick and incapable to proceed on the running. I had to carry her all the way to the bordering stones we never walked past.
“And?” my doctor asked me. She sounded keen as she seemed, to know what’s coming next. “Look, Adam,” she exhaled long as she leaned on the banister to her single seat sofa. “I understand what this is like. I have told you I was a victim of a cult leader. After I left the cult, it was hard for me to start over and build my life from the scratch. It wasn’t easy.”
“It is good to know I am finally talking with someone that can understand. Speak from experience,” I breathed a simple laughter as I think for a while. “The first doctor was too quiet, rather a listener. I think I need someone who I can talk to. Exchange conversation with.”
“You see,” she walked to the sofa that I was sitting on and took my hand in hers as she sites next me and presses a smile. “I see you and how hard it is on you. Change can’t be forced on anyone, it is something you should welcome, willingly,” she nods as she sinks in her thoughts.
“I know, but there are certain things that I couldn’t make others to understand.”
“So, you choose to play like someone who forgot things?” she squeezed my hands.
“Not forgotten, the truth is truth. I am willing to start fresh and save the entire go round and around long road with doctors. I need to prepare myself for the life I promised to give Lume.”
“How are you to start that?” she deepened her smile and I close my eyes as I think about things. I was indeed thinking like a child.
I think I have a thing for pink lips and good smile, but I liked her right away. I remembered it started like that and I was loving every day I got to see her. She helped me get discharged from the hospital easy and helped me took short term class that can help me start new life. After that she helped me open and own a gift shop. I never lied to her and she seem to understand me well. She listens with no judgement and I talk openly to her.
I did. I really did my very best to wait for my Lume, but she never showed up. I waited and waited, but It wasn’t working well. By the end of this year I was able to manage everything in life all thanks to Doctor Hazel. She speeds up the process to everything and she was quite helping, more than expected.
As a man with pride, to find that person to lean on isn’t easy and she became the anchor of my new life.
There is always a once up on a time in each and every single one of our lives and here is mine.
I wake up early in the morning from a dream. More like a reminder, to the promise I made for Lume that when I find the right place, we can call home that I would leave her a direction to it under the bordering stone.
I can never forget this very day and year; 2017 of May 1st, 3:15 a.m. I dreamed of her sobbing as she looks at me sadly, saying that I have abandoned her, my promise to her. I blamed myself for I have forgotten to do what I said I would. I was waiting for her and yet still didn’t do my part. Early in the morning I drive to the spot where the police officers found me walking by and took a stride all the way to the very spot I can never forget and place the peace of paper in a box and burry it under the land making stone.
That day was everything for me. My entire life changed and I wasn’t able to do anything about it. I was to stand still and see everything changing for me and I am not able to do anything about it.
“Hey?” I was surprised seeing Hazel waiting for me by my door. She didn’t wait for me in but by the door. It felt like she was with something important to say to me. She was indeed with something important and I felt it as well. “Why aren’t you in?” I asked her hesitant. I can feel the answer in my bones.
“I have to tell you something first. I couldn’t just walk in like it is like normal other days.” She seemed shocked and happy at the same time.
“I can tell,” I brush my hair back. “If you have to walk in you want to walk in for real,” I nod and she nods as she presses her lips resisting her tears.
“Adam, I am pregnant,” she pressed on her belly and I just stand there with the choice she came to offer me. I have to wait for my Lume or I have to move on with her.
“Yes, who are you?” Hazel asks opening the door for Naomi. After she scheme her from head to toe her smile slowly fades off her lips and she simply swallows hard as her lips are pressed in a hard line. “It’s you,” she whispers feeling like crying. “Lu...” she shakes her head and look back into the house. “Lume?” she asks her breathlessly.
“I suppose he have described me well. Who are you?” Lume asks her and presses a smile as she elevates her eyebrows up.
“I am, Haz... Doctor Hazel,” she presses a forced smile as she looks at her in fear. She can tell she is here for Adam and she seems like someone unwilling not to leave without him. She realizes he can beat her with her confidence as if she can tell her own power on Adam. How can she win him away from someone he is still in love with? Of course, he has son with her and feelings with Lume.
He can’t just leave his son for love. I know he loves him dearly. She wonders.
“Lume,” he opens the door wide and hugs her and she hugs him back. Hazel can see the feeling they are sharing in these short moments they hold each other. He never shared it with her, but she has to see him before her with his true love.
“Me-yaw,” Lume giggles as he holds her tight and Hazel shakes her head thinking deep. She has heard Adam using the same phrase to cut their conversation or play with their son or when he is happy. Until this very day and time, until she hears it coming from Lume she never understands why the sound of a cat coming out his mouth makes him happy, ecstatic. It was just a sound of a cat, but she knows now.
“I have a lot to tell you, a lot to share,” he pulled her into the house and a woman followed in and stand by the door.
“Me too, but we should go now.”
“No, not there, we can’t go back...”
“We should, tonight before the night starts,” he simply smiles and turns to see Hazel. He was talking to her about the annual celebration taking place today. “We need to go; it is important for us to be there.”
“He can’t just leave,” they all turn to Hazel quizzically staring at her. "You have a son,” she swallows hard as she frowns.
“I am happy for you,” Lume smiles to her and turn her attention back to Adam who is looking down in worry. “But he wouldn’t want to miss this year for the sake of our Ruby... it is a big day for our daughter.”
“Seven years old and today is her big day, a lot is to happen, it is meant to change our lives.” The woman speaks smiling.
“What?” he whispers, his heart weighing heavy. What to choose and what to do? “Ruby?” he asks.
“Our daughter is waiting for you, for us to be there with her,” Lume smiles. “I wasn’t feeling good when we were on our way to leave, remember?”
“You were pregnant and I simply left you behind," he utters in regret.
“Open your eyes, we don’t have time, now,” she gets a small bottle out her pocket and rub her hands with black liquid and holds his hand and caressed his face and brushes his har back.
He breathes long and takes a moment, but he looks at Hazel who is staring at what is going on as she is waiting for his answer.
“I will be back, but I have to go now,” he utters to her and walk out leading the way and Lume stays behind seeing him leading, in pride.
“He is never coming back, is he?” Hazel asks whisperingly.
“You never know with him; he is not what you think he is. He is something special,” she turns fully to face her. “I promise, I will come back to you and the boy, you will need us in time. Just wait and see,” Lume utters to her and walks out in speed as Hazel stands still confused and sad, but hopeful that she will one day see him. Again.
“Me-yaw,” she whispers and presses a partial smile. Is she to wiat for him or her to come back? She can’t leave like that. “You will never find us.”