Need

Need

1

"Why would you marry him when you are not convinced of him?" I turned to my picture in the mirror, put the finishing touch, put a red flower on the front of the dress, and swallowed my saliva twice before uttering the phrase "I am ready", and examined the black aura that surrounded my eyes. I noticed that my finger was empty from the wedding ring, so I ran to look for it, "I married him because I need it."

Maybe the ring fell into the bathroom sink, I lifted the tail of my dress and wrapped it around my neck, took off my silky cover, and I stretched my hand down the drain, my hand filled with excrement, I sat contemplating the stool that stained the dress, thinking of my fate. My stool-stained hand removed the pearl necklace that adorned my neck and then I threw it down the drain, “It's the same answer four years ago when I left my hand to put this dreaded ring on my finger,” my mouth violating frankincense and my hand trembling with tension, the word on my mind “need”

I hear it daily in different tongues, women or men, educated or ignorant. We put the synonyms for her automatically: “We want, we are deficient, we need…” Even longing and desire did not escape from her captivity, the word provoked me. I wanted to apply the saying "I know your enemy".

2

She stripped her of the makeup characters that were decorating her, and searched for her real face in the Lisan Al Arab dictionary. I became acquainted with the triple linguistic form of "N-E- D-" which means deficiency. My first friend who looked at me sarcastically in the bedroom mirror, once again hung that pearl necklace stained with feces around my neck, and moved her hand around my body, as if evaluating my beauty, "You have an enchanting beauty that can open up a treasure for you."

 My second friend, staring coldly at me from the bathroom mirror, distanced me from my smell: "I also own my father's inheritance from bank accounts and rental stores."

I shout about both: "I also possess a distinguished certificate that opens a thousand doors for me and a door to fame and money that I do not need for marriage." I am not ashamed of my statement in front of them, because my need is not urgent because it is not material, after the death of my father as an economic financier for my corrupt and wasted hands, as my mother says

 Although I know that. . The death of the financier does not mean the loss of the source, but on the contrary doubles it, because instead of rain falling drop by drop, it will flow like a torrent, in addition to saving his extravagant expenses (like my mother). Says). Because she always describes me as "inheriting foolishness from him," so I refused to reach out to a woman who disappointed me spiritually, even if my mother considered me from birth as a stumbling block in the way of her liberation from my father's captivity.

3

"Why is it the same?" I smelled the ring again, and it still smelled like, "You know the reason, why do you repeat the same question afterward?" He, he has the same bright brown eyes of my father, he has the same pharaonic face carved from shiny brown bones, and his brown hair is wrapped around each other like a Roman king, my face was sleeping quietly in his wide hands, I was doing it. I saw him as a magician when I was little, I used to see him as my mother when he was combing my hair and putting me on his long legs and swinging me while I was feeding

 Then another time he takes on the role of my grandmother when he imitates her voice and tells me stories of ghosts and goblins that made me cover my face with a blanket at the height of summer, then suddenly he turns into Santa Claus and fills two stones with gifts.

 When I grew up, my father was my best companion, attending lectures with me, summarizing the most important points, hanging out with me in clubs, cinemas, walking down the Nile Corniche Street, disturbing lovers, removing flowers, licking ice cream, and mocking passers-by like children.

 We sing out loud, Michael Jackson's "All I Need" song, "You are everything I need in my life, you are all that I dream about, here at night I close your eyes and dream that I'm going to kidnap you tonight."

4

My picture watching me from the bathroom mirror reproached me, "I was astonished at you when, that night, I gave him all the powers of parental authority just because he looked like your father."

He really managed to paint the details of my father's character and really began to perfect it as a professional actor. Then I use it to kindle my guilt; He extorted my money in the name of his medical checks, fearing that he would fall into the same illness as my father and die suddenly like him.

 But he did not know that this secret had destroyed the edifice of confidence that he was building in my life

5

I tried my first picture, which was watching me in disgust from the bathroom mirror, "but you did not take into account the difference in material, sizes and fashion lines between his personality and that of your father."

 My second picture, who was sitting next to me above the bathroom sink, told me, "Her husband sits naked in front of her all the time to agitate her desire, and then he extorts her money." I accused her of sensuality, she replied to me, "You suffer from the Oedipus complex."

As for my first picture, I justified his betrayal of her, "that society is the cause, it crushes his manhood by aggressive means, including unemployment, loss of confidence, loss of affiliation, who does not belong to his country, how does he belong to a woman?" I accused her of hypocrisy, she replied to me, "I want him to remain wearing the priestly robe of the father." The lost, though he was never like him.

6

I was always the holy girl of my father, everyone moves according to my desire, eating what I love, talking about what I love, and my desires are orders, and my words are a law that must be followed, "This abundance of love for you impeded your relationship with others, and created in you endless fear, and endless hunger." I screamed in the face of the picture that took my mother's face. "It is a way to fight need by making it available." I denounced my second picture, "Letting go of him means killing him, for it is only death that is saturated."

My first picture came back and I had my poop stained face "Consume it until death."

 She clung to the term exemption. I took my degree and decided to do anything, I read in the newspaper. "A religious family declares its need for a highly qualified nanny to care for a one-and-a-half-year-old baby."

My first pallor struggled with forbidden feelings towards the baby’s father, so I raised the slogan of dispensation, and decided to return to her father’s image to fulfill the dream of motherhood.

 The sexual act has been linked from the first creation to fertility, as the Torah states the meaning of acquaintance. His wife conceived and gave birth (Genesis 4: 1). This reminds me of my mother's story about a farmer. Then he comes at night and turns naked between the cultivation basins until dawn, and repeats his work daily until the crop is ripe.

Suddenly I heard my baby screaming, so I ran to his room, fed him from my chest, some drops of milk scattered from my breast, my second picture washed my face and my soul recovered.