Show No Fear

The air was heavy and smelled of iron. 

Edward took a deep breath to steady his hands. Henry’s words drifted into his mind, as clear as when he first heard them.

A good captain never shows fear. The men see fear as weakness.

The shaking continued, and he tucked his hands deep into his coat pockets. Emily’s handkerchief greeted his skin with a soft caress. The delicate strands of silk caught in the calluses of his hands, like a lamb’s wool in a brush. His fingers traced the embroidery in the corner, her name, sewn in golden thread. It was the first gift he gave her, now returned to him in a fit of anger and tears. She had thought that she could be enough, and she almost was.

They will never understand, Ed. They think that safety is a prize. You and me? We know better. The sea will always call us back, and it will never let us go.

He looked out the windows of his quarters to the vanishing horizon behind them. A thin, green stretch of land was barely visible in the distance. Barbados, his former home, his perfect life. A life that he had dreamed of every day on Henry’s ship. And after three months of paradise, he’d thrown it all away. For reasons he still didn’t fully know. Maybe Henry was right, perhaps he was cursed to a life at sea, unable to enjoy comfort and safety. Unable to accept happiness. Believing he didn’t deserve it.

He watched a flock of gulls, coasting on a tailwind, as they past the ship towards the island. The birds know better than I do. He smiled to himself and pulled his hands out of his pockets. They were mercifully still. He took one last look at Barbados in the distance, set his face with determination, and strode through the door onto the deck.

The ship was a mess of activity in preparation for the storm. Men rushed around him carrying pitch and material to cover any openings. Several of them crawled about the rigging, tying the sails tight to their masts. A deep voice carried like thunder above him and he turned to see Jacob, his first mate, gripping the helm tight and roaring orders. Jacob was never known to be a smart man but he was a loud one. Which was exactly why Edward had chosen him. Edward made the plans and Jacob yelled them. He walked up the stairs to the helm and stood by Jacob, watching the men mill about the ship. It was impressive, the way they worked. They had no questions, no hesitation, and no fear. A few of them smiled wide and saluted in his direction. He just nodded and kept his face still, staring ahead.

Your crew will save your life, Edward. But they will never be your friends. Their lives are ruled by money and power. You are just a means to an end and they will cast you into the sea if you are no longer useful.

The first drops of rain began to fall around them and the crew’s pace quickened. A loose sail in a storm like this would mean death. The light was sucked from the sky as dark grey clouds overtook the sun. A flash of lightning illuminated the horizon and the thunder shook Edward’s bones soon after. He felt a knot in his stomach and he forced it down. His chest tightened and he struggled to catch his breath. The face of the storm towered above them, roiling and rumbling like the jaws of some hungry beast, threatening to swallow them whole. The gravity of their situation struck him at once and he stumbled back, clutching onto the railing in front of him to keep from toppling off the stern. He frantically searched for the lifeboats, small canoes that were currently strapped side to the sides of the vessel. Could he row beyond the storm? The men would be fine without him. They had Jacob, he was much more beloved than Edward. Something was ringing, a loud ringing that filled his ears and drowned out everything else. He could see the men silently shouting and feel the rush of wind that had picked up into a gale.

We’re going to die.

We’re going to die.

I’m going to die.

A heavy impact struck his shoulder and the sounds of yelling, waves, and wind rushed back in. He turned to see Jacob staring at him, with one massive hand gripping the helm and the other holding Edward in place. His eyes were alight with a joy that Edward had never seen before.

“Are you okay, Captain?”

Edward froze.

A Captain shows no fear, Edward.

“No,” Edward squeaked.

“What?”

“No!” He yelled above the din. “I’m scared, Jacob. I don’t know why I’m here. I was happy in Barbados. It was safe and comfortable and I wasn’t going to drown in a fucking storm!”

Jacob yanked Edward towards him and forced his hands to the helm. They both stood side by side, gripping the massive ship’s wheel. The waves battered the rudder and they both strained to hold the wheel straight. Edward’s body was buzzing, he couldn’t feel his hands or feet. Jacob roared into his ear, so close that he could feel the vibrations.

“Of course you’re scared, you dumb bastard! We all are. This storm could kill us in a blink. But at least it’s bloody exciting!”

The ship plowed forward up the back of a wave as tall as the mast. They crested the top and Edward felt his stomach drop along with the ship as they rushed into the valley of waves. Jacob cackled loudly into the air and howled as they went.

“All that bullshit about “happy” ain’t true and you know it! Else you wouldn’t be here. You’re as crazy as the rest of us. Stop trying to run from it and use it. Be afraid! It’ll make you stronger. You can rot away on a beach for no reason or you can live right now.”

The memory came to Edward in a flash but he could see it clear as day. Captain Henry Blake was standing next to him, gazing out to the horizon. His blue coat shone in the sun, a coat that Edward would soon wear himself.

“A captain shows no fear, Edward. One day you will stand here in my place and you will need to prove that.”

“What if I’m not ready?”

Henry looked over and smiled at Edward. He placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it tight.

“No one ever is, Ed. But if your first mate is as fine a lad as yourself. Then you’ll be just fine.”

The wind rushed back in and lightning lit up the horizon, revealing an endless rolling sea ahead of them. Jacob raised a hand, shouting an order to some men by a loose tie-line and Edward saw it for the first time. His first mate's hands were shaking. He could still feel the knot in his stomach, eating away at him. He took a breath and let it free. The knot traveled up and up, past his chest, into his throat, and erupted out as a scream. A primal, joyful scream. Jacob joined him and they both leaned back with the wind as they dropped into another valley. Side by side and truly alive.