A month of losses

I’m tired. 

Of the chilling sunlight characterising this malicious month with it’s rollercoaster of emotions and indissoluble anguish. 

Like an avalanche consisting of the demonic outcomes of my innocuous looking decisions at the time, collapsing on top of my body suffocating my will to live-getting it to dry up like a raisin. 

A month full of loss.

I remember the smoke billowing from departing trains that carried the patriotic hearts of soldiers ready to serve their country into battle, on a war ground, inevitably to their grave. 

My eyes lingered on his feet, every step he took was a stab into my already feeble heart, if possible it plunged further and further down into an apathetic sea of despair. 

Can’t imagine living without him, taking the engraved ring on my finger off leaving the spot empty for another suitor.

He stopped walking and pivoted on foot to face me.

I saw the light in his eyes.

The joy in his smile.

And spring in his step as he let his hand out to grab the side rail of the train to swing his body in. 

He gave me a final wink and the train kicked off with a massive whistle. 

I smiled whilst his body shrank out and disappeared into the smoke. 

I got a letter 3 days later telling me he’d passed away bravely on battle.

The very same day I sent my brother of on the ride to doom. 

He gave me a short sweet hug and told me not to worry with a kiss on my forehead. 

My finger gripped my ring on my hand twisting it around almost toying with fate.

I didn’t smile this time.

And sure enough 4 days later I received a notice. 

The very next day I watched all my friends say good bye to their beaus, one by one they’ll all be struck down I thought and a letter will be flown backwards towards the weeping souls, but no letter is enough to mend a broken heart. 

All my friends cried that summer, there wasn’t a women with a dry face. 

Mothers 

Sisters 

Daughters 

Lovers

It truly was a month of losses for my town. 

I miss him, it seems the whole worlds been flipped over on its head, and its left me nauseated. 

Daylight passes by without a hiccup. But the nights are when the monsters come out so I prefer sleeping during the late day and starting of my day during the night. 

It was going well until I became prone to sleep walking, my poor mother’s heart almost jumped out of her body when she saw me traipsing towards the brook that runs behind our house. 

She dropped breakfast and ran out to redirect my path as the doctor had warned us about waking me up so that’s the only thing that can be done.

It’s when I’m sitting with her at the breakfast table I see the hopelessness twinge in her eyes as she so lovingly stares at me. 

I never wanted to be a burden on her already debilitating shoulders.

I can only watch her deprecating health, fuelled by all the worry that is writhing around in her head and I’m the primary cause of it.  

She won’t be around much longer if it stays like this doctors are scarce in this town.

My care for her is too much to stay around. So I decided to take leave to the city, I have a friend there,Grace Beaufort, who is the head chef in the house and offered me a position as her assistant, where I will spend my times peeling potatoes, bringing in vegetables from their plentiful garden, and purchasing meat from the market for her. 

An honest job where I can start earning for myself, it’ll be good for my head to travel.

So I set off, my mother gave me one of her old dresses that I’ve always coveted for my going away present. It was a peachy pink colour, with a long skirt connected to a lace like top. It wasn’t posh or particularly elegant but graceful and beautiful. 

It was almost a symbol, I was going away from home not in the fluorescent way I imagined but I was happy with the simple dress a new beginning. The start of a different life. 

The whole travelling journey on the train was long but it didn’t feel like it, my mind was kept occupied with melancholy dreams. All the different ways my life could have gone should have gone, it didn’t feel as if the life I was leading was my own anymore. That thought paralysed me in fear, I was in such a daze that I didn’t hear the shouts of the train driver telling me i needed to get off-it was the last stop. But all I could hear was the loud thumping of my heart and I couldn’t help but notice it sounded a lot like knocking, the happy primitive soul inside was begging to be released, begging for me to let go of the chains I had so strictly tied her down with. 

Then I felt cold sweaty hands on me and I thought she had escaped by herself and was now mad at me so I shrieked and put my hands up to ask forgiveness. 

But it was just the dishevelled train driver getting my attention, I slowly understood and got off the train. Only to notice that I had stayed on for way to long and a long way away from my new workplace but when I went to tell the train driver he had already left the train most likely to go home as it was the end of his shift. 

Knackered I dragged my feet along to my new workplace wondering if Grace would be worried. 

I did eventually arrive but in the morning and saw a maid inside the gates who went over to me after I waved, once I told her who I was she let me in.

I only worked there for about 4 days until I got a letter from my aunt telling me my mum had passed and that her funeral was being held on the 31st of July.

I didn’t have any funeral attire so Grace lent me a dress, and I travelled alone to her funeral after denying many requests of companionship.

I stood at the back and reminisced back to the 1st July when I was happily engaged and living with my healthy mother, still a lively child with a lot of spirit and now with calloused hands from my new job and a hardened spirit from losing everyone I love. Along with my happiness.

It has been a terrible month.