Pregnant and alone

I swear I just know how to pick them. I guess I should start from the beginning, Lisa is my name or as my daughter calls me mom, I had her when I was eighteen her father flat out left me in the cold I mean we was never together in a relationship or anything he was more like a fuck buddy. Nevertheless it hurt like hell when he said he wasn't the father and if he was he didn't want nothing to do with her or me and hung up on me, I did my best to give my baby girl everything she needed, I mean I went into big stores and stole out of them I'm not proud of it but I had to do it I couldn't work, I didn't want to leave my daughter by herself or with anyone. Now that she is older and can talk I worked my ass off to give her everything she wanted and needed, I still try to do a lot with her working during the week on Saturday we get up and go shopping go out to eat and have mother and daughter day. That all changed when I met this guy Adam we met before but it didn't work out we went out separate ways. I fell in love with him I never had a relationship I didn't want one I just wanted it to be me and my daughter Alisa, but he begged me to give him a chance to show me that he is ready to settle down and be there for me and Alisa he has other kids been with his baby mother for along time I asked him many times why are you with me? Do you not want to be with her? Is it not easy to just be with her? As he loves to say that his pass and he moved on. I had my own place a two bedroom it wasn’t much, but it was mine and my daughter we could do what we wanted. I lost my job due to working in one state and having to pick up my daughter from school I got another job but I still didn't have real help I mean when he gets mad it's I'm not doing it or you always want me to come out there but never say that it's to help all of us. Covid-19 hit I left my job with the post office I definitely had nobody to help me she was home all the time what was I going to do? on top of that I couldn't make rent so the only thing I can think of is to move to the south, but listening to a nigga who had no intention on really being with me told me not to go he didn't want to leave his kids, I stayed but still had no place to go I asked him to help me come up with a game plan and he really going to tell me go rent a room with my nine year old daughter like how can I do that? Now it's time for me to leave he tells me to come stay by him I mean I thought that he really loved me to let me and my daughter stay with him and his mom even though she lived in another state she just didn't want to leave as I seen it but I made the best of it. Not even a month and I still feel like I don't belong here. I am I the only one who cooks and clean nobody helps me I'm guessing I'm a maid I don't complain because I was giving a place to stay. I tired to get close to his mom but Lord I didn't see that I was walking into a tra, anytime I tell her something she runs back to her son and tells him, what kind of "woman" is that she used me to talk and tell me about his baby mother but tell him I'm obsessed with her, I really don't see how, but I guess I might have been but if you have been lied to from day one how would you feel? Answer why would you get with a nigga who got kids! All I could do is laugh because she so hurt about his father not being there. I still was the only one who is cleaning and cooking at time I hate getting up I got very depressed, but I still didn't want to talk to nobody for the fact I didn't want to lose my daughter who didn't stay with me any more I guess she didn't like what was going on. I know how she feels I dealt with the same thing when I was growing up with my mom, I missed her so much it was killing me I would snap at times but what could I do I feel so trapped in love with a man who I see didn't really care I mean we had good times but after moving in I have seen a lot of change in him. I still tried to do my best. One night I got that feeling he wasn't doing right, and he went to sleep I saw a saved number, but it was saved as a restaurant I knew it was wrong because it was nine a clock at night I answered it. Hello, hey babe what are you doing, yo who the fuck is you why you're calling? She hangs up I went into the living room and read all the messages I should've just left, but I woke him up saying is this what you do? Is this is what you do? As my voice tremble, he started sweating I know he wrong I know he knew it was over, his mom jumps up I tried to leave he won't let me I'm over this I'm done get away from me Adam he put his hands on me the look on his face of a man who know they wrong but would do anything to make you wrong. I sat outside I tried to leave, but his mom called me back pup dog tears you don't give a fuck about me son he realizes his tears meant nothing to me. I stayed when I should've left it seem like all we do is fight and I get the blame for it, he never wants to take accountability for his actions it's easy to place blame on somebody else and gaslight them to make it seem like it's then when we all know it's not but that's how is, and his mother is condoning it.

All we do is fight we definitely not happy no more but we still lying to ourselves. The night before our two year anniversary he spends it with his baby mother they talking about what time they having sex and everything, but he wants to be mad at me because he seen me going somewhere at three in the morning, but what it really was I seen where he was coming from here we go with the gaslighting he mad won't speak it's our anniversary second time he didn't get me nothing because " he was mad" bro I'm so tired of this shit dealing with him his fake ass mama and his baby mother. Yet and still I stay, stay with the bullshit, stay with the lies, and I still love him. The heart has has funny way of toying with you or maybe it's karma for the people who wanted to be with me and I didn't go for it, but I was all about my daughter that's all! Is it that bad?

Nah it's about to go down. My period is late but it's always like this I tried to leave it be but sitting in this chair getting my hair done I just don't feel right, talking to my sister in law she like girl I'm telling you pregnant, how the hell I could be the doctor told me I can't have no more kids and I was ok with it. After my hair we go get our nails done and I said fine I'll buy a test but I'm telling you I'm not pregnant, yeah I know what I'm talking about I got damn near 15 kids bitch, ugh whatever come on . I don't know but I think I should call this dumb luck the test fall in water, but knowing my sister in law she has a few pregnancy test saved Regina give me your test, no I need it what happened to the one you had? I dropped it in water maybe that was a sign that I didn't need to take the test, she gave it to me anyway I dipped it in the the pee. I closed it and put it on the counter. As I wait what seem like three seconds all I could say is, what the fuck as I hold my head I'm pregnant! I say nothing but oh no God no Regina started yelling she pregnant she pregnant I broke down in full tears so many thoughts was running in my mind, is he going to be there? Is he going to want the baby? Is he going to tell his baby mother? How would this work? Am I ready for another child? She calls him and told him but I couldn’t catch myself to say anything she is speaking to him and he starts going off I just leave and go to the house. He says nothing to me I lay in the bed feeling alone his party is the next day you think he would be happy but nope he is mad and not speaking you would think he would put shit aside but not him Adam is not that kind of man, the party was fun but my family seen how he really is to me they was mad as hell. I sat up all night thinking if I was going to keep this baby I came to him and spoke and told him. I made my decision on the baby but I want to hear him out who told me to say that he starts to go off, I mean he yelling and carrying on like a child who won't get they way, he is belittling me like I don't know how to be a mom not like I don't have my own child who is well mannered, don't get me started on my mental health, I just sat and listen and cried to myself how did I do this to myself again it's just that I live with him and I love him how can you look a person in they face sho you say you love and tell them you don't want they child? On top of that Alisa was here hearing the many times he done said it to me. He been having this attitude for over two weeks and I knew something was up I went in his phone again and this time I seen he and his baby mother booked a trip to Vegas that was supposed to be our trip but he going with her the way I feel right now is used and this rage is flowing though my body, how could you? I woke him up I started packing up my things with no where to go but I was leaving I had to get out of here I just knew this is why he didn't want the baby he back with her talking about it’s awhole bunch of friends going, my ass I can't deal with this no more. His fake ass mama here and she talking about how they all friends but on the other hand he wouldn't be going if it was her, I snapped how can you tell her one half of the story, I said I'm really leaving because I'm pregnant and he don't want it and going on the trip to spite me, what I didn't tell y'all he was yelling how I took the joy from him by taken the test with Regina and how I was crying like somebody died but he just don't get it I am sorry for taken the test over there but you go on a trip with your ex this is how it is with him. Anyway I'm still here but I'm looking to leave I don't have a job or a mother who can give me an place to stay, I do want out before the baby is born.