Meditation Metamorphosis

                                    Meditation Metamorphosis

           I need to stop the he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone mantra in my head before I go crazy. Maybe it’s too late already. They tell me this program will help if I truly work at it. Don’t know if that’s true, but, fine, I’ll try. But the truth is, I don’t really have much of a choice. I have run out of other things to try. He has cut me off cold. Left me searching all the socials for a picture or post. I tried convincing myself I only want to know he’s OK. But I know that’s a lie.

       Get into a comfortable position lying down or sitting. Close your eyes. Begin with three deep breaths to help center you.

      I stretch out on the carpet staring at the ceiling. Is that a cobweb by the light fixture? The paint color is really ugly. I squeeze my eyes shut and take in three deep breaths: shame, embarrassment, sadness.  Tears pool behind my eyelids. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone. They tell me it’s time to move on. That’s why I’m here. How can I find a path forward? How can I continue with only myself.  I thought I had found a way – out of the fifteenth floor of my apartment building. I could have chosen a less public means - maybe pills or something, but no. Guess like the rest of my bad decisions, I hadn’t really thought it through. So after composing my farewell and overcoming my fear of heights, I tried exiting my window. Of course one of those people on the sidewalk who would never look me in the eye and say “Good Morning” thought it their God-given duty to call 911. They tell me it was a cry for help. I disagree.

Imagine you are at the edge of a forest. You are standing in the shadows of the trees, but up ahead there is an opening and the sun is shining making every leaf and blade of grass glow brightly. Begin to walk towards the brightness.

It was a beautiful bright day when we met. The air clean and soft. The trees and grass glowing their greenest. Birds singing. I had gone for a jog and made a coffee stop before heading home. Everyone else seemed to be out enjoying the sunshine too - the coffee shop was packed. On my way out I almost dumped my entire caramel macchiato with soy milk (my favorite) onto the front of his Bob Marley tee-shirt (his favorite). Later, he said it was fate. I felt instant magic. A spark. Something I hadn’t experienced with any of my boyfriends. We spent the rest of the day and night talking, laughing, loving. We made plans for tomorrow and the next tomorrow. He said he belonged with me and I with him. We spent every spare second together. We made plans. I could see us go on forever and ever. It lasted four weeks. Twenty-eight days. And then he was gone.

As you stand in the sunlight you feel the air around you filled with energy. Feel the warmth on your skin. Breathe deeply and take this energy inside you. Feel it fill every particle of your body. Every part of your being. Breathe in deeply again and bring in this force of life that shines all around you. Take another breath. Let it out slowly. Know that energy cannot be destroyed or created – only changed from one thing to another. This energy can transform you, change your entire being.

        Oh, I agree. Energy isn’t destroyed- just changed. The energy we had changed. His changed direction. Veered off onto another. (Was he wearing Bob Marley when he met her? Did he say it was fate?) I used to hear the expression “the hotter the flame, the faster it burns.” Never knew the point. Fire was fire. Now I know. Together we burned so hot, I was left half consumed. Now unbalanced. (He’s gone, gone!) I tried to extinguish my flame, but now I see, it cannot be destroyed. Guess it means even if I had successfully ended up on the pavement, broken, my energy would have survived. It would have been released - back to the sun, moon, universe, whatever.

Begin to focus on where you are grounded to the earth. Feel the energy from Mother Earth as it travels slowly upward through your body. Seeping through your skin. Relaxing and energizing you at the same time. Breathe in energy, exhale relaxation.               

        I breathe in, eyes closed. I hear the sound of my breath leaving my body. In, out. I am so tired of feeling broken. Loveless. Soulless. I take in a deep breath – a breath of energy. Is it my imagination that I feel a sensation of lightness in my chest? Breathe out. I feel a weight removed. My bones relax, settling into the floor. Breathe in. A tingling on the bottom of my feet moving upward through towards my head. In. Out.

Feel the union between you and the earth and the universe. Oneness with you and all that is around you.

I feel the brightness, lightness filling me. Now I know I’m not alone. And he’s not gone. Not really. He’s in the world and the whole world is within me. No, not just the world, the whole universe is within me. All the energy of love, of life.

The bright energy travels upward to your head, your crown. It bursts through like a firework lighting up the universe with your pure energy. You are free, transformed. Discarding the worn and tired body. The troubled mind. Free. Free becoming one with all there is around you.

In my mind I focus on the brightness of the light. I breathe in. The brightness becomes me. I become it. I am one with all there is. I am energy. I am relaxation. I try opening my eyes, blinking, blinded by the intense pure white light surrounding me. I am in the universe. Yes, of the universe. We are one. We are all one.