Finn Not Fiona

Blog 05/24: My name is Finn, not Fiona, contrary to popular belief. It’s been my name for some time now, going on three years, and it suits me better than any name or nickname ever has. To hear it spoken fills me with glee, the novelty of the name hasn’t worn away after all this time. Though that could also be due to the fact that I only get to hear it when I’m around my two closest friends. You see, over the course of the past three years, April and Theo are the only people I’ve told. At first, it was easy, this was a piece of myself only for me. The thrill of an aspect of me that belonged to me and only me was exhilarating.

Now, the dysphoria is starting to sink in further. As a young kid, my parents never pushed me in one direction on the spectrum of identity. Fortunately now at 17, the last time I remember wearing a dress was at my sixth birthday party. My first brush with dysphoria was around the time I started puberty, the changes to my body crushing my spirit. At first, being able to choose whatever clothes made me the most comfortable was enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay for a while. Now though, just hearing the name Fiona is enough to send sharp spikes of pain through my chest. As caged as I feel, the thought of coming out is enough to bring me to my knees with anxiety. Like I said, my parents are quite supportive people, but I’ve heard enough horror stories of parents who were accepting of others until it came to their own children. What if it was too much for them? I never was a girly girl, but I was their only daughter; my two brothers’ only sister. What if the dynamic completely changed? What if they kicked me out? The word is a scary place for people like me, and while we’re in a state considered safe for people of the LGBTQ+ variety, the town we live in is in the middle to lower end of the acceptance scale.

Thoughts like these keep me up at night, so I spend a lot of time messing around on the internet, which funnily enough I’m doing right now. I add to this blog every now and then (typically once a week), and I also post my art on other platforms. I won’t tag that here though, I try not to overlap my followers between my accounts. I’m not looking to get big, just wanting to feel seen.

Enjoy the rest of your night y’all

Yours Truly,

Finn

Blog 05/31: I love music. A hot take, I’m aware. No matter how I’m feeling though, popping one of my playlists on is instantly soothing. Sometimes it puts me in a downer mood, but something about the controlled environment of being sad is cathartic and makes me less sad about the actual things I have going on. I’ll also listen to just about anything, right now it’s ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”, but if I had to pick a preference I prefer the more alternative and indie stuff. I’m also big on concerts.I love seeing the bands I know and love, sure, but nothing beats live music even if it’s someone you don’t know. Some of my favorite bands are people I didn’t know before seeing them. The Warning, which is playing now, absolutely peak listening experience. We saw them last September, my parents had taken me, April, and Theo to this 3-day music festival and it absolutely ruled. Get to one early enough and there’s a lot of unknowns playing, but trust me it is so worth it. The sun was beating down at us around noon when these women took to the stage and played banger after banger. I was a little obsessed.

Some of my favorite memories came from that weekend, but it wasn’t without its faults. At one point, there wasn’t anyone playing that we were dying to see, so we picked a random stage and sat around in the back behind the crowd. The music was good, and we were in somewhat of a shaded area. April closed her eyes for a bit, sprawled out next to me, but still contained to our area. That’s when I see two dudes passing by us, really I thought nothing of them. Thousands of people were walking by and all around. But then this dude, this scum of a man, extends his arm out and slaps April’s ass. My parents, who hadn’t left our side this whole time, were on him in an instant. He panicked, saying things like, “he thought she was a dude,” and “he wouldn’t have done that to a kid.” I had never seen my parents so mad, I thought my dad was gonna hospitalize the guy. However, he said simply, quietly even, “Get out of here. Right now.” April was stunned, but otherwise she seemed to be ok enough.

Now, ladies, femme presenting people, and men who wear “revealing” clothes, I don’t think outfits in any world should dictate how others treat you. April hadn’t even been wearing anything revealing, but she certainly didn’t look like a dude. This was a couple years ago now, but it’s one of those memories I think about often. The event had actually affected April for some time after, but she’s doing much better now.

Now Radiohead is playing, it’s “2+2=5”. This is a good one, makes me wanna bounce on my toes and shake my head around all. Speaking of my head, my hair is getting long again. I’ve been rocking a pixie cut for a little over a year now, but now it’s dropped below my chin. I want it styled different, more masculine, maybe a low fade. That might make my parents suspicious though, so who knows.

Hozier’s “Eat Your Young” is on now. He just played near my town last weekend, great show, excellent show. Brought me to tears. Made me feel empowered. I’m not really someone that likes to stand out in a crowd, and I really don’t want the world to hear about the opinions of Fiona. First, they’d have to know me as Finn and I can’t see that happening any time soon. Maybe, someday though… Finn has opinions goddammit and a voice that wants to be heard. I just don’t see myself doing anything too out there. Unless this blog goes anywhere, but really I don’t wanna risk the comforts of anonymity.

That’s all… for now…

Yours truly,

Finn

Blog 06/06: This week’s been pretty dull everybody. School’s out now, and while I don’t particularly enjoy it, I miss seeing my friends and having something to do. The boredom has started kicking in. I’ve been in both an art and reading slump, so that knocks out two of my biggest hobbies. Lately, I’ve been bed rotting and listening to music. It was nice the first day, but now it’s depressing lol. Right now, it’s System of a Down's “Aerials” , another great song. Both April and Theo will be out of town for the first half of June, so I just have to hold out until then.

Not much else to say this week folks

Yours Truly,

Finn

Blog 06/13: “This is my body… The only thing that I own entirely…” - Brian Sella, The Front Bottoms. I get stuck on that line often. I wish I could’ve been made the right way. At the same time, I wish more and more that I could just exist as I am. I wish the world didn’t care so much about what’s in my pants. I’m a man, my parts don’t dictate that. In a perfect world I think it wouldn’t matter, or at the very least people could mind their own business. This is my body. If I have nothing else I have my body and what it provides for me. I will shape it however I wish because goddammit it’s mine. Who has the right to say what I can and can’t do. Not my family, not the people around me, and certainly not the government. Sometimes it seems like the only alternative is to end it, but then I think about how much I really do love living. I love my family, my friends. Blind Melon’s “No Rain” is playing now. It’s a happy sounding song, but the lyrics are anything but. I like to listen to it as a reminder that the thoughts the lead singer conveys won’t consume me the way they did him. For every depressing line, I think of what I’d be missing if I were gone. Life is worth it, you are worth it. There are peaks and valleys, but every day is better with people like you and me in it. At least, that’s what gets me through my rough periods.

Take it easy everyone

Yours Truly,

Finn

Blog 08/01: Hey everybody… I’d first like to apologise for the unexpected hiatus. A lot happened this summer. A lot that I won’t really be covering here, because most of it would probably be uninteresting to most of you. I will say that after April and Theo got home from their respective vacations we spent most of our time together. Girl in Red was in town a couple weeks back, the three of us had a lot of fun at that show. That was probably the highlight of my summer.

I’ve been feeling a lot of dread lately. School is starting up soon, and this will be my senior year. I don’t feel like I can keep this Fiona act up for much longer. April and Theo have been urging me to just get it over with and come out. They’ve made it obvious that they are aware of how much this has been affecting me. On one hand, I wanna wait until college where I can just begin as a whole new me. On the other hand, I don’t know if I can make it a whole nother year as Fiona. What should I do?

Any advice helps

Yours Truly,

Finn

Blog 08/19: School is officially in session, my first day was today. It was mostly uneventful, the first day was full of icebreakers and syllabi. Luckily, I have all but two classes with either April or Theo. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my mom is actually the vice principal at my school. It has its perks, but I can’t hardly breathe without her being all over me. She doesn’t sit in on my classes or anything, but she knows most details about my day. If I’m even a minute late to any of my classes for whatever reason, I just know she’ll be asking about it at the end of the day. After school, I had cross country practice. I wouldn’t say I’m the most athletic of people, but I sure can run. Don’t get me wrong, cross country is hard, but of all the sports I’ve participated in, this is the one I’ve stuck with the longest. I enjoy running, most of the time I’m able to just pop my earbuds in and forget about the world.

Good luck to those of you still in school

Yours Truly,

Finn

Blog 08/21 *DELETED*: I’m fucked. Well and truly. I don’t know how it happened, I thought I’d been so careful. Sure I’ve used my own name, but Fiona isn’t uncommon and Finn I only use with April and Theo. That was another precaution I took, April and Theo aren’t even their real names. We decided on them together before I even started this blog. Someone out there was able to associate this blog with me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. Someone at my school printed one of my posts in the school paper. Claimed that I was an inspiration. I don’t want that. I’m not ready. A girl that I only really knew in passing, greeted me as Finn and told me how much she loved my article. Confused, with a pit building in my stomach, I asked her what she was talking about. That’s when she gave me her copy of the paper. I scanned over it, confirming it to be true, before numbly returning it to her. The next little bit was a blur. I grabbed my things from my locker and made my way to the parking lot. My face was burning and I could feel eyes on me. I caught a couple comments whispered between people. Luckily none of it hateful, just curious. This is not how I wanted it to happen. Malicious or not, whoever you are, you stole my moment. You took something from me that I’ll never be able to get back. The can of worms is open and I hope you’re happy. I’m sure not. I got in my car and drove for a long time. My mom called me a handful of times, my dad as well. After answering none of them, my mom sent me a message that she wanted to talk when she got home. I’m parked in an empty lot in a park right now, typing this out. I don’t think I can go home. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. My head hurts. I feel like throwing up, but I know I won’t. The tears just won’t stop coming. I can’t do this anymore…

Blog 10/03: Hey everyone… I’m back. I’m sure those of you who saw my post before I took it down have probably been concerned. Rightfully so, I was concerned myself. Last time, I posted, for those of you unaware: I was publicly outed without my consent at my high school. One of my blog posts had been printed in our school newspaper without my knowledge. Since then it has been a rollercoaster. You’ll be happy to note that my parents were very accepting. What upset them most was that I’d waited so long to tell them. Lots of tears were shed, good ones though. The relief I felt was a weight off my chest. I’d held this secret so close for so long that I had started to feel like that’s all it would ever be.

A few days later I returned to school, I had needed time. When I finally did, there were a few people who approached me saying that they had enjoyed my blog even before I was outed and expressed how much they appreciated my posts. You know who you are, your appreciation means the world to me. On a darker note, not everyone was quite as welcoming. Some people were downright nasty. I got called a lot of names or just purposefully misgendered. It was mostly non-physical but I’d had stuff knocked out of my hands on multiple occasions. April and Theo tried their best to keep me away from the worst of it, but they couldn’t be with me at all times.

My mental health was at an all time low, but what finally broke me was being pantsed in front of my entire gym class. I had already had my privacy ripped from me, they had to take this too? The guy who did it was expelled. It wasn’t his first infraction and our school has a nondiscrimination policy that is incredibly strict. All of it was hitting me really hard and I ended up in an in-patient therapy program for nearly two weeks. It was hard, but it was worth it and I pulled through. I’m still doing therapy every other week and it’s benefitted me greatly. Since I'm turning 18 soon my parents have also offered to support my medical transition if that’s what I was wanting. I’m happy to say that I’ll be starting HRT later this year.

Now that I’m back, we’ll be returning to our regularly scheduled program of a post a week (maybe more, maybe less), if you guys will have me. Even if not, my therapist recommends I keep writing because it’s a good outlet for me, so you guys are stuck with me lol.

I’ve always wanted to have a positive effect on the world and people around me. Despite the fact that I won’t ever get the coming out I wanted, I can say that I’m happy that I finally am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive whoever it was that did this, and I don’t think I can even give thanks. However, it’s an event that I will not let have power over me and I am stronger because of it. I will still struggle, sure, but I have people in my corner and I can handle whatever is thrown at me. No matter what you may be going through… there’s a light on the other side. I can’t promise that once you get there things will always be easy, but they will always be worth fighting for. “This Year” by The Mountain Goats just came on, it fits how I’ve been feeling lately.

Never stop fighting, as corny as that may be

Yours Truly,

Finn