Cat Chat -- What?

CAT CHAT — WHAT?

“Catastrophe. Catatonic. Cataclysmic.” 

“What?” asked Tallulah.

“Catty. Caterwaul. Catapult. Catcall.”

“Fine. What’s your point?”

“Well,” said Luna. “I’m just reminding you that cat is the prefix for all these words. 

That should give you a hint at what to expect with a cat as a pet. These are not words with great outcomes,” said Luna. “And we seem to have a difference of opinion, so I thought you could use a refresher.”

“A refresher?”

“Yes. You seem to think that I should be doing things the way that you want, and I don’t agree.”

“Seriously?” asked Tallulah. It was an old argument, one that they'd been having for months.

“Yes.”

“Luna, you’re a cat, for God’s sake. You don’t have a say.”

“Don’t I?” said Luna, swishing her tail slightly. “Then why are we having this conversation?”

“Because I’m tired of you scratching the furniture, and knocking things off the table. And attacking me when I walk by.” 

“But I’m a cat. That’s what cats do.”

Luna turned and walked away, tail in the air.

Tallulah knew the conversation was over. And that she had been bested by a cat. Again. And not just any cat — a talking cat. 

Last year, when everyone was returning their pandemic pets, Tallulah, or Tali as she preferred to be known, had gone down to the local shelter. She wanted a pet. She wasn’t sure she wanted the commitment to get a dog. Maybe a cat. She went in, and was so completely overwhelmed, she had to leave pet-free. There were so many cats. And kittens. So many people had adopted a pet when they started working from home and then realized that were, in fact, not pet people. The shelter was bursting at the seams. There were big cats, little cats, orange cats, black cats, white cats, grey cats, striped cats, spotted cats, cats with kittens. Tali fled. 

But instead of heading home, she sat on a bench outside the shelter, and tried to clear her head. After about fifteen minutes, she pulled herself together and went back into the shelter. She looked at all the cats, and cats being cats, they stared back. 

Tali was overwhelmed. There were so many cats and she could only give a home to one. She wandered down the aisle between the cages, looking for that connection with the one cat she would take home. Thirty minutes later she still hadn’t made up her mind. She approached the woman at the adoption desk.

“Can you help me, please. I want a cat, I’ve passed the screening, but I just can’t decide which cat. You know them. Can you help me?"

“I’m not really supposed to do this,” said the woman, whose name tag read Beth. “But let’s go back and have a look.”

Back into the cage area. 

“So, tell me a bit about yourself. How many in your household.” 

“Just me. I date occasionally, but nothing serious lately.”

"Other pets?"

"None."

“Company?”

“Well, I have a few friends, but no partying. We’re a pretty quiet group.”

Beth looked down at Tali’s paperwork. “I see you live in a house. Will the cat be an indoor cat?”

“Yes. I have a screened in porch, where the cat can go to get fresh air.”

“Good. Good. And what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a government drone. I work from home.”

“So you’re home a lot?”

“Yes, unless I have to go into the office for a meeting.”

“Have you ever had a cat before?”

“No. My parents always had dogs. I like the idea of a cat having fewer needs than a dog. They seem to be a bit more independent.

Beth nodded her head. “They certainly are.”

The two women stopped in front of a cage with only one cat in it. That was peculiar because all the other cats had three or four cats in each cage. 

“This is Luna.”

Tali looked at the cat. She was a silky black cat, with a little crescent moon of white under her chin. Her green eyes took in Tali.

“She’s been with us for a while. She’s only about eight months old. She was surrendered when she was a kitten, and she’s never been in a home. But she is an affectionate one.”

As if on cue, Luna strolled over to the cage, and rubbed her face against the mesh. Tali stuck her finger through the mesh and rubbed Luna’s chin. 

“Purrrrrr.”

“That’s quite the motor!” said Tali, smiling down at Luna.

“She is a super purr machine.” Replied Beth. “Would you like to hold her?”

“Sure.”

Beth opened Luna’s cage cautiously. Every other time she had tried to bring Luna out so that a potential “pet parent” could hold her, she had resisted, aggressively. Still holding her breath, Beth scooped Luna up, and handed her to Tali. Beth was surprised. Luna snuggled into Tali’s arms, rubbing her head under Tali’s chin, as if marking her. 

Beth watched Luna with Tali. In all the months that Luna had been with them, she had never shown the least bit of interest in any of the people who had come through the shelter looking for their forever cat. In fact, she’d hissed and run to the back of her cage every time the cage door was opened. Beth had been worried that Luna would spend her life in the shelter. They were a no-kill shelter, but the animals didn’t fair well in the long-term, and their life-expectancy was short. Luna had been with them for seven of her eight months. She seemed healthy, but Beth knew it was only a matter of time before her health would start to deteriorate. 

“Hey Luna, I’m Tali. Do you want to come home with me?”

Luna had revved up her purring, and snuggled deeper into Tali’s arms.

When Tali and Luna had left the shelter, Beth sat at her desk and drummed her fingers. Had she done the right thing matching Tali and Luna? She wasn’t sure. It wasn’t that Luna didn’t deserve a home, it was just that she was an unusual cat. It was almost as if she knew what people were saying. And when she fixed her emerald eyes on you, it was a little unnerving.

That had been six months ago. Luna had settled into Tali’s life seamlessly. At least in the beginning. It had been a couple of weeks before Tali knew Luna was different from other cats.

It was a bright sunny Saturday, and Tali had been a bit tardy, languishing in bed, reading the newspaper on her tablet. Luna was fast asleep on the foot of the bed. 

Tali got up, made herself a cup of tea, and settled in her favourite chair on the lanai, with a novel. She had a couple of hours before her sister Kat, was coming over with her fifteen-month-old niece, April. Tali was going to watch April, while Kat got her hair done. A little while later Luna strolled in, just as Tali got up to refill her tea cup.

“Good morning, Luna,” said Tali, who bent to pet her cat.

“Morning, Tali,” said Luna, stretching and yawning.

Both froze — Tali, hand over Luna’s back, Luna mid-stretch.

“You can talk?” she whispered, falling back into her chair.

“I can,” said Luna, looking up at Tali. “But I forgot that I shouldn’t.”

“But you can talk?”

“Yes, I can.” Luna jumped up on Tali’s lap. “It’s okay. Don’t be afraid.”

Tali sat in her chair looking straight ahead, saying nothing. She sat that way for an hour.

Then she stood, scooped up Luna and put her on the chair, and said, not making eye contact with Luna, “Cats can’t talk.”

She walked into the house, and into her bedroom, and shut the door. Luna jumped off the chair, ran into the house, and sat by the bedroom door, waiting, hoping that it was going to be okay. She hadn’t meant to talk. She’d just woken up, and was a bit groggy. She’d meant to meow, but instead had spoken.

Now, Tali, a very logical thinker, was having a moment, alone in her bedroom. Her logic was that cats can’t talk, and if she heard Luna talk, then there was a problem, and that problem was with her. She was delusional, and her cat was not magical. She needed to see someone who knew about delusions, pronto.

She slowly got up off her bed and opened the door, looking down at Luna. 

“You can’t talk, can you?”

“I can, Tali. You’re not hearing voices.”

Tali knew that she shouldn’t engage, but she couldn’t help herself. 

“But how?”

“My mother could talk, and I can talk. That’s all I know.”

“Can all cats talk?”

“Definitely not. Can you imagine the noise if they could? I’ve never met another cat who could talk. Sure we meow and purr and stuff, to get our point across to each other, but nope, I’m the only talking cat I know. That’s why I was alone in my cage. I scared the bejesus out of my cage mates when I talked to them, and they freaked out. Beth noticed how the other cats behaved around me, and never put another cat in the cage with me. I gotta admit, it was a little lonely.”

“Did you talk to other humans?”

“Nooooo. Cats are already seen as other-worldly, friends of witches and demons. No. You’re the first person I’ve spoken to. Can you imagine if people knew? ‘Kill the cat that talks! She can cast her spells on us! Kill the cat!’ No thank you!”

“So, how do I know that you can really talk, and I’m not, you know, losing my mind?”

Luna considered that for a moment. “I guess you don’t.”

And that was the dilemma. Should she see a mental health specialist, or just accept that her cat could talk. 

Tali turned to the internet, and found out that people could have auditory hallucinations. She found out that yes, the voices can be outside her head. Like when Luna talked. Not good.

Was Tali losing her mind, or could her cat talk? She didn’t know which was the truth. But she was leaning towards auditory hallucinations, because it made the most sense.

“Will you talk to someone else? So that I know that I’m not crazy?”

“Nooo. I didn’t ever want to talk to you. It’s too dangerous.”

“Then how will I know I’m not crazy?”

“Tali, I don’t know what to tell you, but I can’t be talking to people. No one can know that I can talk. I don’t want to be taken away and experimented on. Or killed. I just want to lead a quiet life with you. Please Tali.”

Tali was considering her dilemma when the doorbell sounded -- Kat and April.

“Sorry I’m late. I have to drop her off, and run.” She thrust April into Tali’s arms, and dropped the diaper bag. “See you in a couple of hours.”

And she was gone.

Tali put April on the ground, and picked up the diaper bag.

“Come on, kiddo, let’s go into the family room.”

“Ca! Ca! Lun! Lun!”

April toddled over to Luna, who was sitting on the couch. April was always surprisingly gentle with Luna, and Luna purred when April stroked her. 

Luna looked at Tali, and Tali looked at Luna. 

“Fine,” said Luna.

She jumped off of the couch, went to the other side of the room. 

“April! Over here! Come play with me!”

At the sound of her name, April’s gaze swivelled to Luna. She smiled and laughed and toddled over to Luna.

Almost staggering with relief, Tali went over to Luna and April. 

“Thank you, Luna.”

“Whatever.”

Now that Tali knew that she wasn’t crazy, she still had to deal with the fact that she had a talking cat.

A couple of weeks later, Tali was sitting on the lanai, Luna on her lap. She found that although Luna could talk, they really didn’t talk all that much. She had the distinct feeling that Luna was naturally quiet. Or stand-offish. Or above talking to a human, even though said human was the only one Luna could talk to.

“So,” said Tali, “How do you like living here?”

Luna looked up at her.

“Fine, I guess. Better than the shelter. And we do get to sit out here, in the lanai. So, yeah, fine.”

“So, if you like it so much, why are you trying to make me hate you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, last night, while I was sleeping, you knocked my brush on the floor in the middle of the night Scared the hell out of me. Why? You knew I was sleeping.”

“I was bored.”

“Bored? I was sleeping.”

“Sad face.”

“And why do you have to attack the furniture with your claws? You have a really nice scratching post.”

“Not the same.”

“Well, tell me how I can make it the same?”

“You can’t. You just have to accept my behaviour.”

“Luna! I give you a nice life, and you do this!”

“Again, it’s what I do.”

“But why?”

“Because I can.”

“Can you at least stop swatting at me every time I walk by?”

“No can do. It’s hilarious.”

“I could take you back.”

“Nah, you won’t. You love me.”

And it was true. Tali did love Luna. But maybe not as much as she did before she knew she could talk.