Title

We are all authors, writers of our own story we make the words and sentences with the actions we do and what we say. Most may have a name for their story at first but it’s the end that determine its true title and when its all done that dreadful day we all wish never comes, in that moment looking back at it all my second question is, what will you call your story? Will you be smiling that you have lived your best days or you will be overwhelmed with regret….. In that time my friends, what will be the title of your story?

Well mine hasn’t ended but I’ll tell you how far I’ve gone.

The night was cold I tell you, but I couldn’t feel it, the frozen water droplets on the lamp post and the howling winds singing my dismay did however tell me the story. The night was cold .

I was at a bus station in Crossway, a small town near the one I used to call home, pretty little place it is that one but very dry, and not too safe either. I’ve heard stories about it don’t know how many are true but false news is never the same that’s for sure so I’m not that doubtful that there are abnormalities in this place.   

 Two hours past I had ran away. From that place that is, the one I used to call home. I don’t know what to call it anymore quite strange but it didn’t feel like home anymore. Forget of that now its just a place somewhere on the earth’s face, a city with a name my mind seems to have completely erased. I do know something about it though, it’s the same place my two blood brothers, my blood sister and my birth parents are and I’m away yet at ease ----.

So where was I, oh yes! Still standing under my trusty now flickering lamp post. I knew the world hadn’t stopped that much was clear and why would it just because one black girl ran away from her normal life? Yeah I didn’t think so. I knew no one was looking for me not only because I was always the last person to sleep in their house and left while everyone in the house succumbed to sleep, but because I made sure there was no way to. To them it might as well have been minus one problem in the world and I’m okay with that, I don’t know for how long but I’m okay with it now….

“Beep beep” a car horn brought me back to reality. I was ready and set to ran the last thing I wanted was to escape one prison and land myself in another especially not as a sex slave. I looked at the car with caution, there was no one at the back and the only person there was an old lady not too old but the lines on her face the marks of wisdom as Fugard would call it showed that she had indeed lived long on the face of the globe.

“Going somewhere dear?” She asked warmly, the smile on her face was familiar it wasn’t sinister that’s for sure but I knew it all too well. She had black hair most of it had turned grey but you couldn’t miss the black, probably in her late fifties. Her smile never faltered it remained plastered on her once undoubtedly beautiful face now marked by time.  

Still looking at her carefully trying to analyze whether her intentions were pure or I was going to be making another mistake taking her silent offer. Her eyes spoke to me. It was as if they were begging me to accept. The look she gave me was way too familiar I had never met her yet looking back at her I saw someone I knew very well. She never stopped smiling, that smile that most people would be dead convinced its pure joy, warmth, happiness all wrapped in one but not me. Just as a blind man can not give another directions, its near impossible to hide the truth from another who has master the art of falsehood.

I knew that smile all too well, the fake it till you make it. I used to wear it all the time infact I was wearing it two and a half hours ago. Her eyes on the other hand never stopped screaming, Help me! I was the stranded one yet she looked more helpless than me.

I hooped in the car giving her the same smile she had on, just my little way of saying … I know.

Immediately when she saw my smile it was like something snapped, I promise I felt like I was sitting next to Kanye West. Her mask wore off faster than I could say flipping lily pads and lolly pop seeds. It wasn’t bad, I was quite relieved that in that short time we had made that silent agreement to stop faking. 

“Thank you”, that’s all I could manage to say to her for not reminding me of who I left behind and for hearing my silent prayer not to ask what I had been doing there at such an unholy our.

She started driving after I had buckled up my sit belt and was looking outside the window. Praying she does not say a word, we both needed silence and to be left with our thoughts. And just like that in that dark road heading to the capital, a stranger by my side, No! .. an older version of me by my side if I had stayed. My mind in a whirlpool, questions running, bumping, screaming one louder than the rest, a question I had avoided for way too long, one unlike my life which I could not ran from anymore. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Usually you never know the answer when you ask such a question but I did.

 The answers came so fast counting up to as far as when I was born. 

Still facing the window I release a deep sigh …… 

I met a guy. The typical girl meets boy, girl falls for boy and boy breaks her heart. My first love is not the interest at the moment although I never want to see that face in my life again even in hell.

Here is were it gets interesting, my second relationship with my brother’s best friend. I don’t even know what gave me the idea that that will turn out good, oh wait I do my sister and my dear Aunt.

My brother brought his friend Nathan home one day completely out of the blue. See my parents had passed, my older sister got married two years before their death and when they passed my other sister left as well. She would visit but the only family I had who deserved to be called family was my brother. I had met him in passing a few times but that was it. The two of them had worked in the same company called Snow hill when he was doing his attachment for his course, see my brother  aspired to be a Geologist and later work overseas, Nathan on the other hand did diesel plant fitting.

Nathan had gotten kicked out of his apartment due to failure to pay his rent. My brother being a good friend decided to bring him home as Nathan had done the same when they were still in school.

Nathan was a good looking guy, I’m saying was because you only see the outer beauty if a person praise worthy before you see their inner self and the ugly demons that resides there. 

My cousin, Mercury was also staying with us at the time being too, running from her violent husband, well at least that’s the image we got from her narrations I never completely believed it my cousin was not the easiest person to get along with. She also had her eye on him, so did my second sister Roxy and my Aunt Helen. Strange he turned away at their declarations of affection because he had already settled on his pray, guess who the lucky candidate was ladies and gentlemen?

One day he walked up to me when I was eating grapes. “Can I have one.” I almost jumped when I heard his voice, mind you not out of excitement but because the guy creeped behind me to whisper that in my ear.

Once my miniature heart attack passed I turned and looked at him only to notice how close he was, a bit too close so I moved away from the freezer where I was getting water to create some distance between us.

The question he had asked finally rang in my mind. “What?” I said. See I had only one grape left and I had already put it in my mouth. He kept on looking at me and I was never confident enough to keep eye contact so I did the most logical thing anyone could have, I spit it out and gave it to him mentally smirking knowing nobody would eat something from someone else’s mouth. 

Can somebody guess how low my jaw dropped when he put the grape in his mouth and chewed it while still looking at me. My mind went on a momentary shutdown but I still had a few brain cells left to drive my feet to run as far as I could.

The week passed with him giving me more signals like he would touch me and wink at me or randomly say my name. When I was convinced he had a crush on me that day my brother picked us up from school as usual. Instead of taking us home he drove us to the driving school, where I saw Nathan hugging his girlfriend in comfort who had failed to pass the driving test. What a pity!

I might be a lot of things some I’m not proud of but I a not that kind of girl to date someone else’s boyfriend. At least that’s what I always told myself.

“June is that Nathan’s girlfriend?” I asked my brother just to be sure, I’ve seen a lot of movies were unnecessary misunderstandings arouse just because someone didn’t want to ask directly, honestly its annoying one minute you world be loving the union of your favorite couple then the next you’d be screaming fuck the director.

“Yeah, why?” My brother responded lazily as if I had just asked the world’s stupidest question.

“Nothing” I breathed out. I wasn’t shocked exactly my brothers are fuck boys and cheats I knew that so their friends were probably the same. What confused me was why he was doing it all risking his friendship with my brother and a rent free roof over his head? That till now I don’t know.

I was getting weirded out by his advances on me not only because he was a good friend of my brother but he was way older than me . He was the same age as my brother who was twenty two and I was only fifteen. 

I decided someone. That would have been a good plan if I had chosen a better person. I walked in on my aunt and sister gossiping about Mercury’s crush on Nathan.

I walked into the kitchen to My aunt laughing hysterically, she loved gossip. She is the one person in the house who knew everything and anything.

She turned to look at me. “ I think he likes you, you know he talks about you a lot. I found it quick strange.” And just like that the atmosphere changed.

I knew before I said anything I would regret it but I needed someone else’s view in the matter. So I told them everything how he was always touching me, like the one time he asked me to get him a glass of water and when I was handing it to him he touched my hand and winked at me instead of taking the water which resulted in me dropping the glass.

My aunt called me naïve and stupid to let a boy with such experience pass by. I’m not a confident person never was. I always responded horribly to negativity but that something I needed to work . I just never got to it I gave in because it was easier. 

That night Nathan kissed me when I was watching a movie in my brother’s room, mind that my brother was asleep right next to us. I never knew what shame was but I felt disgusted after that. I guess the kiss was his way of asking me to be his girlfriend because I don’t recall he ever did. He took me to the bathroom the following night I thought we were going to just make out again but then he started removing my pants. I grabbed a hold of his hands and shock my head , confrontation was never my thing but I was not going to lose my virginity like that.

I wish that could have been enough to tell me that I needed to put a stop to this but it wasn’t. “I’m sorry  I was not planning on taking things that far with you I just  only wanted to touch you .” He said and that was enough for my naïve mind to believe his intentions were pure.

As time went on he started changing gone was the carefree and charming guy. He started coming into my room at night my door was always unlocked I had lost my key. At first it was to kiss me goodnight, then he wanted sexual favors.

The first time I showed my hesitation he said to me “ its okay I did this with my other girlfriends, its normal I’m not going to penetrate into you just yet.” My past relationships was a failure I didn’t want him to break up with me, so I gave in.

He would rub his manhood on my womanhood until he was satisfied and would pass me my towel to clean up and then leave. I felt disgusted with myself every time but I never had the voice to tell him to stop that I didn’t want any of that.

I became his cook, slave and toy all in a matter of weeks. I felt cheap yet did nothing.

The first time I tried refusing his wants he completely brushed it off and me being terrible with confrontation quickly gave in with little persuasion. 

“Its okay I can teach you, you just have to touch it… Like this” he said placing my hand on his organ. I don’t know whether he knew I didn’t want to and chose to ignore it or my silence assured him I was okay with it all. My hand were shaky throughout and my eyes close shut. I don’t remember how many times I washed my hands after that but they just never seemed clean.

I still remember the day I found pictures of naked girls in his phone and messages. I asked him about it because he had told me that he broke up with the girl I saw him with at the driving school when we started dating. I didn’t feel too good about it but I believed him.

“Why were you looking in my phone?” He asked his anger evident.

“I’m your girlfriend, I am not allowed to view pictures in your phone? Why do you have this? Who is this?” I asked my anger already at its maximum.

“ Those photos were sent on a WhatsApp group, and the conversation you saw was me pretending to be my friend because he likes that girl and wanted to talk to her but his phone broke.” I don’t know how stupid he thought I was but I wont lie I was pretty stupid if I endured all that.

“So is your friend also called Nathan because its written Nathan in the conversation?”

“I’m I the only Nathan in the world?” I must hand it to him though his lieing skills were Masters degree worthy.

He never admitted it and I just ignored it . I didn’t know how to get out of this relationship. The psychologist told me I had gotten used to being nobody, to being mistreated and unvalued. 

In the process of it all my brother never noticed my weight loss, my depression or the cuts on my wrists.

And when he did … I lost my last family . He threw Nathan out of the house and me out of his life. I wished to go back to the days he never noticed me that him always looking at me with disgust.

When Nathan left I felt relief. I didn’t realise that I had sold myself to a man, I was in a cage which I had walked into a closed the door giving him the key to my freedom. I lost myself when I was with him. I did things I never imagined in my lifetime of doing and I lost my brother for it.

I don’t completely blame him for everything. I would want to say he took advantage of me but I always believed no one can be forced to do anything they don’t want to. When you do something, a part of you wants to no matter how small.

“What happened to you?”

The sudden voice made me jump with fright. The elderly lady was looking at me. I couldn’t answer . I felt abandoned and betrayed. I was a burden even at birth. My parents wanted a boy, it’s something I have to live with that even with them not here I was always a disappointment. I had no one except my brother but couldn’t live with his hate. So I left.