A Teenager

The hardest thing about being a teenager is making decisions. Going to college is one matter but, deciding a college based on your scores and their foundation is another matter altogether.

My family comprises of my mother, father, sister, grandmother, two dogs and two cats. I love them from the bottom of my heart, but I have never been able to fit in

their perfect world. I never worked as hard as they expected me to, neither did I try to understand their beliefs.

I have never been confident about myself, hence, I have never felt confident in the decisions that I made. I am afraid of meeting people and making new friends. Blame it on the traumas from middle school, the added pressure from my parents and the expectations of others.

Middle school was absolute torture for me. I spent 7^th grade not really knowing how to define myself. Thus, that was a year of me trying to make my own person, to try to find myself. I always felt so lost, not knowing how to react at different situations for I was still experimenting.

Then as I moved on to 8^th grade I settled in with the wrong sort of friends. It resulted in me having fights with them. (Please remember I was still trying to discover myself.) I did not know if I was supposed to be dauntless or selfless, kind and generous or sweet yet cunning. This turned out to be one of the worst years of my life. I was often bullied for my skin colour. This resulted in me being extremely self-conscious. I was also back stabbed by my closest friends who put my secrets out in the open. This was a big issue for me because though, I am an ambivert I lean towards being an introvert. Hence, when I share I do it after a lot of consideration. Very often other than being bullied vulgar comments were thrown at me. My classmates would often hit me. The people who I called ‘friends’ told me that no one in the class liked me and everyone just tolerated me. My ‘friends’ told me that they hated my behavior, how I was too clingy, to protective.

At home too, things were not going smoothly. Having moved just a year and half ago, my mom and dad were continuously fighting. I had to always shield my little sister from these fights.

I had no one to turn to. I was so depressed that even at home my mother and I would often end up arguing. This was all because I didn’t know how I could vent out my frustration. After all as teenager you think that the whole world is against you. It was also in these two years I spent a lot of thought on suicide, it was always just a mere thought for I was too scared of death. But the thought was still there. Very often I would think of different ways which was not painful to commit the act.

It was dark times where I felt desolated. Slowly I turned to my mom for help but, I never had the courage tell her that I was depressed.

Then 9^th grade came, and I became more weary of people, I did interact with a lot people but, at the same time I was very closed off. It was during this time that I met the most wonderful people. It was purely by accident that I met them, but they truly saved me, they helped me find out my true self. They stood up for me time and again and made me feel that I could rely on them more. Slowly I opened up to them.

Till today the fear of opening up still remains. I take too much time to be myself. Even when I interact with others I am very mindful of my actions. I try my best to keep smiling and not letting anything hurt me. I always try my best to help others in trouble.

Overtime the bond between my mom and I became stronger. My dad and mom no longer fight. I am in a better state of mind. But, that trauma still remains. I don’t wish to change anything back then as I feel that I have become a better person, though I do wish to change my mindset back then.

My mom and dad might seem open, but I always felt so restricted living in this house. Very often I was restricted from wearing different clothes because of my gender as a girl. I couldn’t understand why they restricted me when they should have been educating me about my rights as a woman.

As I didn’t score a high grade in my exam my options of college was limited. I could either go abroad through clearing or write entrance exams for college. I was extremely disappointed with my own self. People who rarely converse with me suddenly called to ask for my marks. People who I had helped study seemed to have gained better marks than me. Everyone was calling me to ask for my grades. This made me more depressed.

I couldn’t understand this inquisitiveness of people, their need to know the information about others to feel better about their own selves. Why was everyone so very interested in my affairs?

I was so discouraged.

I then applied to two universities through clearing. I kept praying and hoping to get into one of the universities. I knew it was a selfish request of mine.

I wanted to study abroad as I felt this would push to work harder. Their method of teaching was on par with my method of learning. Being a kinesthetic learner my countries method of rote learning was not right for me. I needed a place where I could research and learn.

I wanted to start afresh.

After waiting for a week I got two seats from two universities. Slowly I was starting to see light through this endless tunnel.

I wanted to prove my mother that I could change and do better, the same mother who told me that I wouldn’t fair well.

I eagerly awaited for the day that I could leave this house and prove my capabilities to everyone.