Vibrator

           Fuck. Motherfucker. Fuck. 'You've got this'. No, I don't. What the fuck are you talking about? Son-of-a-bitch. 'Think positive'. Okay, there could be a nuclear explosion in this region and I could die, then I'd be out of this motherfucking mess. Goddamn it. 'Think about it. I'm sure others have been in this situation and gotten through it too. So, try taking a few deep breaths.” Anyone got some arson? Or the shit the dentists and docs use to put people under before a surgery? Anything. “Think happy thoughts.” Right, A Spoon full of bullshit stops the shit from hitting the fan, the shit from hitting the fan, the shit from hitting the fan. Oh, a spoon full of bullshit stops the shit from hitting the fan, in .the least delightful way from Mary Poppins. “Or think about the magic staff” Yeah, great. Except I don't need a cane, I need a machete. 'The Earth will be gone in a matter of seconds”. “What if everything does turn out okay?” Yea, and what if that idiot on the bike with wings can fly? 'Try imagining a nice, calm valley, with bushes, flowers. You hear the soft sounds of crickets in the background. As as you walk into this calm forest, you smell lavendar.' “SOBER: SON-OF-A-BITCH Everything's real.” Stop thinking positive and face reality, you goddamn bitch.

           This is like trying to get a real number from the square root of negative four. It never works 'Wait. Remember the song from An American Tale? “Never Say Never”? Yes, but there are nevers in nature. Nevers in nature, remember? Two beings can't have offspring without fucking or putting sperm on an egg.  It's impossible. 

           But God can do anything. No, this is not true. God can do anything in nature with nature's laws. God can't make elephants fly with their ears like Dumbo. It's impossible. Remember the Little Engine that could? I think I'm fucked. I think I'm fucked. I think I'm fucked. 

           She believes in the “power of positive thinking” and has read all the self-help books, but they never talk about the Serenity Prayer or the shit that can't be changed. Bolt did a four minute mile and before that, everyone thought it was impossible.

           Right, but it doesn't defy the laws of nature. Speed, velocity, friction, all are in the confines of natural law whereas floating, beaming up, etc. are outside the realms of nature. Then, she gives me something; a vibrator (and no, not that kind you fucking perverts). It can supposedly change my vibration and make me able to see from a higher perspective and see higher spirits. Yea, right. How much did she pay for this piece of snake oil? That's robbery. And you want me to try it on? Why not? Maybe it'll help you stop spending your goddamn money on bullshit.

           So, I put it on, and it did vibrate, but I saw things. And, no you motherfucking bastards, I wasn't getting high. Like, I could see motherfuckers there that were transluscent, like sexy clothes at porn shops, but there were a lot of them and their whole body was like that and I couldn't see some motherfuckers on Earth, but could hear the bastards. But, I could see her, clearly, and the bitch was smiling.

           This don't make no sense. This must be like one of those fucking magic tricks where you think you're seeing one thing, but you ain't really. Like the motherfucker, Houdini, or something. So, I talk to one of the other motherfuckers like I talk to anyone else.

           “Hey, what's your name, bitch?” She turn around, smiles, then a thought enters my head of the name, Rebeccacca, unless she has a lisp. But, if her lips don't move, then how . . . so I try asking the woman who put this motherfucking thing on my head a question by thinking it and she answers, “I'm okay” but don't move her lips neither. I ain't been drinking or smoking lately. Then, she turns up the vibration rate on the vibrator and she seems more transparent. Weird. But, I look at me and I'm like the ghosts in Ghostbusters.  But, I can see right through meself. But, I see these bastards in full lotus shit, sitting, humming, in loin clothes, even the chicks. Weird motherfuckers. 

           Then, the girl I'm with tries moving the vibrator down and the weird yoga people go away and I see guys like me cursing, fighting, drinking, smoking, and it all looks good. In fact, looks normal to me.  Then, she puts the thing lower. Man, this vibrator must be from motherfucking Gulliver's Travels. Damn it.

           But, then, I see the evil, the D Ds, the M Rs, the sadists, the insane, the psychopaths, Then, she transfers it back to normal and turns the motherfucking vibrator off. She takes it off my goddamn head, but shit's different somehow. Like, I still see some of the low people and some of the high people and some of the regular motherfuckers on Earth, but I ain't sure which is which, which is gonna be a real bitch when I gotta go back to work or driving or anything. I tell her to turn the motherfucking vibrator off and she tells me it is off. But, I ask her, why the hell can I still see all these motherfuckers? 

           She says it's like trying to unlearn a language. Suppose you learned fluent Spanish and moved to Mexico and decided, you know what? I don't want to know Spanish anymore. You can't unlearn it. Same thing with this motherfucking vibrator. 

           So, I try going to therapy, but they think I'm a schizo, I try going to church and the exorcism don't do shit. I try hypnosis. Man, I try every motherfucking thing I can think of to unlearn this goddamn bullshit. One time, I'm talking to a goddamn therapist and someone asks me what the fucking hell I'm doing and I tell 'em and they tell me there ain't no one there. Goddamn it. Does that mean the one who said I was schizo wasn't there neither? So, I ask her how she knows and she says she talks to everyone in her nutso head first and if they answer in her head, she knows they ain't on this plane and if they don't answer, then she speaks out loud. But, how you know it ain't just your motherfucking imagination? She shrugs and just says, she knows. She just knows.

           So, I try telling everyone to go away, no matter what vibration they at and none of the motherfuckers listen. Goddamn it. How do you unlearn shit?