What Next?

Everything in here is all shaken up. I honestly never thought I’d survive that blizzard. It’s one of the most intense I’ve ever experienced.

I get up from under the table to examine the rest of the cabin.

Every damn room is a mess, with one of the bedroom windows completely smashed. I hate cleaning, hate it so much, but this is beyond me. Now, where is that vacuum cleaner? The last time I was here was almost five years ago and I can’t remember where everything is, except the broom that I found by the front door, but I don’t want to use that right now.

Bobby, my brother! He was the last person here a few months ago. He must know where he kept it and the other cleaning supplies.

I reach for my phone, disappointment taking over the moment I notice the ‘no service’ icon at the top.

Damn, when network goes off during a blizzard it takes a long time to get it back, especially in an area like this that normally has poor network.

I check the kitchen pantry, cabinets and some of the other rooms and find the mop, cleaning sprays and cloths-everything except for the vacuum cleaner. Where would I keep it if I were Bobby?

Bingo!

I forgot this place has a basement that Bobby turned into a personal gym when our parents died. I’m sure it’s there. he’s such a clean freak.

I don’t even need to look around much when I get to the basement because I spot it at the other end of the room.

Good. Now, off to clean.

I get secure my headsets in my ears and set my playlist while also setting the vacuum.

Fuck my life!

The vacuum isn’t working. All that trouble looking for it just finally find it and it’s broken?!

Seems like we’re going the broom way.

It’s also getting dark. Let me turn on the lights to see what I’m cleaning clearly.

I flip the kitchen switch. Not going on. Okay.

Living room. Same thing.

Wait, are these bulbs exhausted? Hold on.

I head over to the fridge and it’s confirmed. I was hoping against it but the power’s gone. No phone or internet service, no electricity and a messed-up house. What a warm welcome. I love it here! I bet the vacuum isn’t even broken.

Guess there’s nothing else I can do but clean up before it gets dark. I can sulk after that.

It takes me a while, and I mean a while, before I finally finish cleaning up and putting everything in order.

I’m so mad right now but I’m doing m best to ignore and be unbothered. It’s the fact that my friends tried to talk me out of coming a week earlier. I was hard headed and now look at me, dark house, low phone battery, hungry, tired and bored.

I think I saw some candles in the kitchen when looking for the vacuum. Yeah, I’m sure I did.

I stomp to the kitchen, clearly in tantrum mode and check a few of the cabinets before finding the one with some candles and a box of matches. I light them around the few rooms I’m sure I’ll frequently visit today, the kitchen, living room and bedroom.

Isn’t there some left over food from the trip in my car? I love how I’m slowly fixing my problems.

The warm feeling I had developing in my belly quickly disappears when I open the front door and find my car half-buried in snow. It’d be impossible to open any of the doors.

 Back to the couch.

I dread the fact that I’m aware that very soon I won’t have anything to do to distract myself from my thoughts. I only have five percent battery life left on my phone so that means no more music to sign along to.

My phone almost immediately goes off.

Now I’m lying on the couch, turning from side to side, trying to think of a tv show I’ve watched or book I’ve read or meal I’ve tasted-anything at all! But it’s not working. My demons are working overtime.

I’ve been depressed before and I don’t want to go back to that place. I found mental stability but didn’t use it the right way. I let doubt and fear put me back on the road to instability.

I sit upright.

This is a conversation I’ve been avoiding with myself for a very long time. I think it’s time to have it. I think if I had it earlier, things wouldn’t have been this bad.

So, here it goes.

I take a deep breath and already feel my eyes tearing up.

Okay, just a minute. Let me go and get a blanket. It’s cold.

I pull a large, brown blanket off my bed and carry it back to the couch.

Okay, now I’m ready. Wait, I saw some fruit juice in the fridge. I’m thirsty.

I return from the kitchen with a glass full of juice in my hand.

I bet it’s obvious that I’m avoiding this self-introspection. That’s how it’s been for the longest and I’m tired. But I’m also scared.

There is something about this place. My childhood and dreams linger around here. They all came flashing through my mind the moment I entered the house. I guess that’s why I haven’t been here in so long. The air here is forcing me to confront this once and for all.

Come on Jason! You were once so fearless. Why the cowardice now. Do it. Find yourself!

When I dug myself out of the pit of depression, I promised myself to do what makes me happy. I made a vow to become my best self. And that was going well for about a year, until I found out how scary it was to go for your dreams.

And then what happened?

I decided to play it safe and study a course I had interest in and later got a job with amazing pay.

How did and does that make you feel?

I mean, I have so much money and my parents were so proud of me before they died.

The question hasn’t been answered.

I take a deep breath.

I guess I feel okay-bad. I feel like I’m not even living. I feel like a robot. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel so sad. I hate myself for coming down this road because I’m even more depressed than I ever was before. I completely isolated myself from my family because I always felt so weak and tired and I didn’t want them to see me that way, not because I was busy like I always told and still tell myself.

What do you-I want to do with my life? Do I feel it’s too late to start all over? Why did I let fear paralyze and kill my dreams? Why did I let my fear of depression land me back in it? Why do I have no answers to these questions?

I fall down to my knees and a river flows out of my eyes.

Why do I know the answers to all these questions but refuse to admit it?

I once spent every day of every school holiday in these four walls, painting away.

The memories of little me with my paint brush make me chuckle.

Painting was everything to me. My parents, their friends and even my teacher loved my art. I was so sure I’d be a big artist when I became an adult. Well, I was also sure I’d become an artist a few years ago. That was until I’d receive some horrible reviews about the art I posted. I started to doubt if painting was truly meant for me.

And the great reviews?

I mean they were plenty of them but you just know humans, we tend to focus on the negatives.

Did you-I just hear what I said?

My mind revisits all the great, thousands, compliments my art would receive. Then I compare them to the ten negative ones and I just lose it. I lose myself in laughter.

Have I really been that stupid? Hell, I hate my job and I was never interested in the course I studied. What have I spent the last couple of months doing with my life?

I feel so stupid and mad with myself. it’s like I’ve been under a spell and this cabin just happens to be the antidote. Now I’m angry that I’ve been avoiding this place.

I wipe my tears and get up, rushing to the bedroom. To do what? Just a second, you’ll see.

Really hoping it’s there.

My face touches the floor as my eyes scan underneath the bed. It’s there.

I pull out a huge black and hurriedly open it feeling like a child opening his Christmas gift. Everything is intact, my brushes, paint, papers, boards. In fact, I see more and newer things. Hold on, there are plenty new things here.

I flip the bag and pour everything out and while inspecting the contents, I come across an envelope bearing my name.

Okay…

I open it.

My boy Jason,

                        It breaks my heart to see how miserable you’ve been lately. You do everything possible to avoid your father and I. I know you don’t want to worry us but the more you run away and avoid the truth, the worser you’ll feel. The last time I saw you genuinely smile was when you had a paintbrush in your hand. I was so shocked to find no single painting equipment in your house the last time I visited. So, the moment I left, I went shopping for everything you’d need to paint. Initially, I was going to bring them over to you place but your father advised me to bring them here instead. He didn’t want you to feel pressured. He said if you found them here, it’s because you decided to rediscover yourself. And I pray you find them. When you do, come and give me a big hug.

Love you,

                Mom.

My heart is in so much pain but also filled with a greater amount of joy. Mom. I wish I could hug her right now. Rest in peace, mom and dad.

I wipe off the few rogue tears.

If I was to ever need a confirmation, I surely got it now. So, do you know what’s next for me? I’m sure you do. But first, let me use this alone time to get in touch with my inner self and restart the process of falling in love with myself all over again. This time, no pressure, no running, no avoidance. If I feel scared, I acknowledge and work on it. That’s the way!

                                                                 The End.