Ceasing to Exist

I do not quite remember my name. A word I could call my own was no longer mine. Honestly, I'm not really sure who I am or who I used to be.

My brain races, grabbing at all the thoughts floating through my mind. Fighting to hold on to the ones that feel the most like me. The ones that bring a sense of familiarity, like a distant memory. Something, anything that might tell me who I was. Anything to help me remember what happened. Letters fill my mind but none of the words make sense, I'm not sure if they're even really words at all. My thoughts slip through my fingers, causing anything that would've described me to drift further and further away. Somewhere in my frail body, underneath the pale skin and far below the aching and bruising... I knew that I never truly felt like me. Even when I knew my name. 

My eyes drift over the sky above, surveying the soft somber clouds. I understand that this might sound crazy but just listen to me, I swear I could hear them whispering at me. Whispering my name, whispering my thoughts and my feelings. Mumbling every memory. Laying everything out in front of me, everything that would tell me exactly who and what I used to be. The way I used to dress, the way I used to tie my shoes. The way I used to drink my coffee and the way I used to smile. The clouds were murmuring the names of the people I used to love, the places I used to go to and the memories I tried to remember. It was telling me about all the moments I felt truly alive. Though, no matter how hard I tried... I couldn't hear a single word they were trying to say. Still, there was a soft wrongness in the way the clouds were mumbling, as if they weren't allowed to. As if they weren't supposed to.

Suddenly the whispering stops as the ocean breeze carries them away, grazing my neck in a tender kiss. The wind rustles the leaves of the countless trees behind me and I swear, I could hear them giggling as they dance through the air. I feel the endless waves of the sea embrace me as the cold clenches my thin legs and for a moment, I feel everything. Then I wonder, have I always been able to feel the world so severely? So thoroughly? So deeply? The answer strays further and further away. This time, I let it go.

I notice the dark vacant ocean staring right at me as the numbing water seems to pull me in. It begs me to come closer, knowing that I don't have it in me to resist. I feel my legs shake as they take a step forward. I don't really remember walking, then again, I don't remember anything. Some part of me likes to believe that I used to fly and that's why my legs were so weak and fragile now. I think it must have been nice, being able to fly. I could see myself chasing the dark blue clouds all across the world, trying to find one that felt the same way I did. I don't think I ever found it, but maybe I floated endlessly just observing the people beneath me. Watching the world decay. Or the truth is that I never had the strength, maybe my legs had always been this tired. Maybe even back then I struggled to go places, perhaps I've always struggled to do things. I think my body had always been void of any energy. But now I don't know whether I should blame my legs or my disintegrated mind. The ocean stared at me like it knew the answer, like it was dying to tell me. I want to laugh but my throat closes up, I think I already knew the answer.

The cold was prickling against my skin, wrapping around me and pulling me in, or dragging me in, I couldn't tell the difference. Just like I couldn't tell the difference between who I was now and who I used to be. It was all the same. The waves were slamming against my body, the begging getting worse. I could almost feel the ocean starting up inside my chest, splashing around inside me. Screaming at me. Begging and pleading. Maybe the same way I used to beg and plead before my mind made me forget. Forget what? I don't know and I'm not so sure that I even really want to know. 

Whoever I am and whoever I used to be, I don't care. Some aching part in me knows that I didn't care back then either. I wonder if I ever cared, If I ever tried. Honestly, I don't think I did. This feeling inside me might have always been there, numbing me from the inside out. But It doesn't matter. I'm still here even if I don't remember my former self. I'm still here, even if I don't recall my name, even if I don't know who on earth I am. Everything I feel is still exactly the same. I barely existed then and I barely exist now.

A calmness washed over me when the waves engulfed my entire frame. With one last look at the clouds, I close my eyes and let the dark wrathful waves wither me away. As I sink deeper into the cold and dark chasm below, I notice that I have only the clouds, the waves and all the dancing leaves around me as my final audience. The only witnesses of my existence, of who I was back then and of who I am now. With my head under water, a certain quiet and dull feeling seeped into me, the depths of the ocean consuming me. A stillness overcomes my heart when I realise that in only a matter of moments, I would soon cease to exist. Then as if the whole world had drained me of everything that I had, I let out my last breath.