I'm Not Dead

Oh geez, is it morning already? Crap, come on eyes open. Why is it so dark in here? Why the heck do I have the sheet over my head? Did I dream about that monster in the closet again? Oh, come on Kurt you are an adult, monsters, please, stop being so childish. But seriously why is it so dark, oh wait a minute I seem to be moving feet first like on a conveyor belt, forward. That’s weird.

There we go now it is light, except this damn sheet is still over my face. It is very bright even looking through the sheet. I don’t remember my room being this bright. 

Well, that was interesting. My body lifted into the air and plopped onto this freezing-cold aluminum tabletop. Four pairs of hands seemed to have picked me up and laid me on this table, two at my head and two at my feet. I feel like a corpse. Geez, this tabletop is ice-cold. What a minute why am I naked, where did my clothes go? I went to bed with my tidy whiteys on, clean, I might add. Damn, my butt is freezing!

Oh no, it can’t be. Oh crap, there can only be one rational explanation for this. I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS FROM MARS. Why the hell would they put a sheet over me then? I can’t see anything through this sheet except very bright lights above me. What are these vicious aliens going to do to me?

There we go finally; the sheet is being removed. That may not be a good thing. Do I really want to see what these creatures from Mars look like?

Wow, they look remarkably like humans back on Earth. I was expecting them to be green or lizard-looking. I appear to be in some operating room. Why? I don’t remember being hurt or sick. Oh no, don’t tell me they are going to harvest my organs. For what reason? Ewwww, are they going to eat me? I can’t possibly taste very good. Wait, stop that. Stop thinking that. But seriously I wonder what humans taste like to them. Maybe we taste like chicken or some other chicken-like creature from some other planet in the universe. That’s enough, stop.

“The subject appears to be about 40 years old.”

What the hell is this guy talking about, 40? I am only 35. Subject? I have a name. Stupid aliens.

Who the hell is this alien talking to anyway? The other alien that was standing here had left the room. There is no one else here except me and him, it or whatever they see themselves as.

“The subject appears to be a little chubby. I don’t see any type of obvious marks, cuts, abrasions, or wounds on the body.”

Chubby! Who are you calling chubby? You're not so thin yourself buddy and besides you look about 65, so there.

Hey, why are you looking at my face and neck so close? Move back; your breath is awful. What do you aliens eat? Oh ya, humans. Wow, I guess humans must leave a terrible aftertaste.

“I don’t see any marks, cuts, abrasions, or wounds around the neck or face area either. Eyes, however, do appear yellow and some yellowish to the skin.”

Well, that doesn’t sound so good. Why are my eyes yellow?

Hey, hey what are you doing there Mr. Alien? Come on now what is that for? That is a very sharp-looking device. Okay, don’t push that thing into my chest, oh geez. Wow, they must have far superior technology than we have, that didn’t hurt one bit. I didn’t even feel anything. Smart aliens.

I guess this is where they will harvest my organs. I wonder, what part of us humans these aliens consider to be a delicacy?

“The organs all appear to be normal for a man of this age range, except for the liver.”

Liver? What’s wrong with my liver? What is that he is writing down?

 Acute Liver failure, due to years of heavy alcohol consumption. What does that mean? Okay, so I had a couple of drinks on occasion. Well, a few drinks. Okay maybe a lot of drinks but only a couple of times a month. Okay, once a week. Alright, every day. Geez, stupid liver.

Why is the alien taking off his gloves and walking away? Wow, I guess I am not a prime candidate to be eaten. Wait, I think that’s a good thing.

Okay, why are they placing me back onto a table that rolls? Where are they taking me now? Probably to another room to perform more horrific experiments on the rest of my body. Oh no, I hope they are not going to extract sperm from me. I have heard that these aliens are doing that kind of thing to humans, to create some type of hybrid creature. Wow, I guess I have learned something from watching the History Channel after all, who knew?

I don’t want to be the father to some alien baby. I wonder what an alien woman looks like, are they hot? With my good looks and hers, the baby will certainly have to be the cutest ever. He, she, or it, will grow up to be strong and a good leader to men……or whatever. Okay, stop, Kurt. You are overthinking this. I don’t even know where they are taking me.

Now who are these two aliens? It is amazing to me they all look so much like the humans on earth. Maybe they can shapeshift to look like us so that the people they abducted feel more comfortable. Wow, they even have cars like we have on Earth. You have to give them credit, they have a good eye for detail.

That was a fairly comfortable ride in the back of that vehicle that looked remarkably like a Hearse on Earth. Again, good eye for details. But, with their superior technology, one would think the vehicle would be flying above the ground like a hoverboard instead of riding on it. I guess they are trying to keep it more realistic for us humans to make us feel more comfortable. That is very considerate of them. Polite aliens.

I don’t know where they are taking me, it must be a secret facility since they covered me in this black bag and zipped it closed.

What now? They removed me from the rolling table and placed me on a hard cold surface again. Oh no, maybe it is a banquet table, and I am the feast.

The table or whatever it is, is moving forward headfirst. Um, hey guys, there are flames in here. It is getting very warm in here; can you turn down the heat a little? Okay, now it is getting hot, very hot, darn right uncomfortable hot.

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I seem to have been returned to Earth. It is a beautiful Fall Day here in New England. The tree's Fall colors are on full display, just downright gorgeous. Wait, why am I floating above the trees, and the cars on the roads, and the people on the sidewalks…………………OH Crap.