Lifetime of Regret

Ray awakened New Year's Day feeling physically great, deep down inside he knew there was something he must accomplish today. He took a shower, dressed, and was in the process of making his breakfast when it dawned on him, he had one last resolution to fulfill before midnight tonight. The main one is Resolution #1. As Ray ate his piece of toast, his mind was on a roll. Glancing at the clock and it was only 5 a.m. ideas rolling around in his head, he had a plan, and if he left soon, it would be possible to finally master Resolution #1. So he began his plan, praying everything went the way he would like it to go.

Ray called his customer and explained that he had to go out of town for a few days, but promised to finish her kitchen when he returned. It was Saturday, so if he returned by Tuesday he would have plenty of time. The customer was fine with that and wished him well. He then did as he always had, messaged Marilyn Good Morning, but this morning added Happy New Year. To his surprise, she responded immediately! Her response was, Happy New Year honey, and good morning! Ray's heart melted, few little words, but the greatest response he could have. May I call you? he asked her. She replied, "Of course." A lump popped up in her throat, and she closed her eyes, waiting for doom, she really didn't know why, but it was there. The phone rang and she answered, feeling scared and excited all at the same time. "Good morning, how are you?" He responded with a question she did not expect, "I want to drive up there to see you, I really need to talk to you. Is that possible? Can you get away for a while?" Marilyn never even thought about it, just said, "Yes, I can make that happen!"

See Marilyn had a boyfriend of 24 years, but he was stricken with throat cancer and was on a feeding tube 24/7. So staying away for long periods of time was quite a task. But, she was willing to figure it out just to spend a few hours with Ray, even if it was bad news. Ray was excited now, and he replied, "Ok, I have to throw some clothes in my duffel bag, get gas and I will be on my way!" As he was packing, he thought back to three years ago when he had sent Marilyn a friend request on social media, hoping for a response. A good response. He had almost given up by the end of the second day, he assumed she was angry with him, and she was not going to respond. But when the third day came, there it was, that wonderful response, "Hi!" They had talked and texted each other every day, for three years, and in a few short hours, he was going to see her beautiful face again.

Marilyn felt like a little schoolgirl again. She was going to see the man she had never quit loving, no matter what she said, she assumed everyone expected her to hate him, but she just could never bring herself to do that. They had a child that they shared, and in her eyes that made him special. She was thinking of what Ray was doing right now, was he scrambling around, or was he just being himself and letting nothing get to him and just living life slowly, like the tortoise.

Surprisingly, Marilyn was wrong. He felt like he did when he and Marilyn had their first date! What do I do, what should I wear! It was actually funny to him, and thank goodness no one was there to see him. He calmed himself down, zipped his bag, threw it in his truck, and he was off. 900 miles to his love, and worth every mile and every hour. As he drove on he began to think of the resolutions he had made in the past and succeeded to do them.

Resolution #2-Fulfil his other son's dream of being a musician. Ray bought the guitar he wanted, and the lessons he needed, but it was in Alan's blood and he didn't need many lessons. Ray was very proud of him. But, what Marilyn had told him of what Joe was capable of, he was already proud of him.

Resolution #3-Date a hot good looking woman. Didn't care if she was intelligent or not, just good-looking. So that when he entered an establishment people would stop, turn and admire her. He accomplished that, but as he was going through the motions, he thought of Marilyn. How beautiful and poised she was. Her head and heart were in the right place. She acquired the recognition she deserved. And he became ashamed of the way he had treated her.

Resolution #4-His the biggest accomplishment thus far. Buy an inexpensive house, a house he could renovate to his liking. And, he found it. He had $80,000 in the bank, bought the house with cash for $30,000, and he was very proud. He bought some materials for renovation, and some materials came from the houses he had already renovated. You would be surprised at what some people will throw away. He was proud and dreamed of Marilyn living with him and admiring his accomplishments.

Resolution #5-When he first left Marilyn his biggest dream was to be a Charter fisherman. Take other people to succeed in their dreams to catch that "big' one! He was attempting to get her out of his mind, but it was never possible.

After all the thinking and remembering, and thinking of all that he had done throughout his life so far, he saw he was entering Wisconsin. 3 hours away from her. So he called her, "Can you meet me at the Lodge, it's quiet and we can talk, and not too far from your home?" Marilyn thought that would be perfect, "Yes, I will leave here at 7 p.m., get us a table and wait for you, if you get there first you do the same!" Ray agreed and hung up. Marilyn on the other hand ran around preparing for her night away from all the hum-drum routine in her home. Filled Bob's bag, which would last him for approximately 8 hours. Bob understood why she was leaving, maybe did not like it so much, but knew that look on her face explained it all. She had to go, needed to go, and wanted to go. She kissed Bob on the forehead and headed out the door.

She walked into the lodge, wearing her finest, requested a far-off table for two, and ordered a glass of wine. The hostess sat her at a beautiful table out looking at the lake, it was perfect. She glanced at her watch and figured Ray would be here within a half hour. Sure, enough 20 minutes later he entered the restaurant and she gasped, such a handsome man. Ray spotted her right away and had the urge to run to her, but he acted as he should. She stood up and hugged for the first time in 43 years. They sat down, and he ordered a bottle of wine and menus, preparing himself for the explanation he came here to tell her.

After the casual talk about Bob and the kids and grandchildren, Marilyn said "So what's up?" Ray began to laugh because he had forgotten how straightforward she was. Just say it, put it out there and then we will deal with it! So he began...

He reached across the table and took her hand in his, "Marilyn, I drove here because I wanted to be totally honest with you about why I left 43 years ago. Yes, I gave you lame responses to you telling me you were pregnant, but it was more than that, for one thing, I was a coward. I was angry, angry with myself because I knew better, I knew we couldn't remain making love like we were and not have something happen, as in a mini" us!" That made Marilyn explode in laughter, Joe was very far from "mini"! Ray smiled because when Marilyn laughed she filled the room with happiness, but he needed to continue with how he was feeling and how he felt then. You know how my dad was, he was never there, Mom did everything with us and for us, she was kind, but dad was always tired and mean sometimes. I was afraid I would be like him, non-caring and resentful of the whole situation, and I couldn't do that to you!

Marilyn saw the tears well up in Ray's eyes, and she wanted to say something but knew just to keep quiet and let him continue. And he did, "And I was not ready to be a husband either, had no idea how to be a husband and a father all at the same time! Because you know our families would have pushed marriage. Besides," I hated your grandfather!" Marilyn smiled because she hated him too!! Ray continued, " Deep down inside I knew we would never make it, and I really didn't want to lose your friendship, you're caring. Now, yes, we could make it, because with age comes wisdom. And, in a small way I felt that baby was a trap, I know it sounds dumb, but I knew your home life, so in a way, I thought you felt like a way out!" Ray finally looked up and Marilyn was smiling, she looked him in the eyes and said, "I already knew all of that! Can we eat now? And, they both laughed.

They ate, they talked and laughed, remembered and laughed, neither one wanted it to end. But, it had to Marilyn had to return home. Ray walked her to her truck and hugged her. Then at the stroke of midnight, he cradled her face in his hand and kissed her, and they both knew they would be together again, once again.