What She Left Unsaid

It festered with him for the better part of a decade, but Lucas had finally had enough.

His time in college was almost up. Even though that made him an “adult,” he was about to actually be an “adult” with “responsibilities.” So dammit, it was time to start acting like one.

His hand-me-down car was parked on the top of Valley Crest’s tallest hill; it was the closest thing to a skyscraper his rural hometown had. Blinking slowly to register the gravity of the moment, Lucas let out a quiet, deep sigh. “It’s time to be a man,” he aggressively hushed into the void of night in front of him.

“What did you say?” Tara asked, turning to her left with a raised eyebrow that pulled the corner of her mouth into a grin.

“What? Oh, ha, nothing…” Lucas trailed. He began scratching a part of his arm that didn’t itch while awkwardly darting his eyes into a staring contest with the lone blade of grass that was taller and more dominant than the rest. Twenty-one years old and still getting bullied, by fauna no less.

No, nope. No more waiting. Now was the time. He had to stop being painfully introverted for five seconds and just rip off the bandage.

“Tara,” he said, turning to his right, trying to stare through her retinas with nervous energy. “I love you. Well, really, I’m in love with you.”

The words escaped his body and deflated his ballooned-up chest. He smiled to her as his lungs reacted to a marathon’s worth of adrenaline, with a shocked smile looking back at him that he had known most of his life.

Tara moved to Valley Crest when Lucas was 11 years old. A year his senior, the nearly teenage girl was still in his grade, and her family filled the vacant house directly across the street on a warm July afternoon. Growing up with few close friends, the aforementioned introvert occasionally peeked through the curtains in his bedroom at the new girl. Girls were, after all, becoming more of a fascination than a cautious curiosity, formerly laughed off with the likes of bed-lingering monsters and Santa Claus.

A few days after the moving truck left the driveway, Lucas’ mother told him they were walking across the street to introduce themselves and pass along a plate of cookies. He was shocked to find out that was in fact a real thing and not just something that happened on Full House.

Lucas had talked to girls before, obviously. But something about the new girl felt different. She was someone whose name he didn’t know, but weirdly did not feel like a stranger after three days of decidedly not creepy glances from his second-story bedroom.

Lucas put on his favorite Power Rangers shirt (because who doesn’t like the Power Rangers?) and the least-wrinkled pair of shorts from the pile he was told to put away last week. He laced up his Nikes that had yet to see any athletic surface outside of PE class, blasted some finger guns in the mirror with what could only be described as a full blink, and walked downstairs to his mother.

“Power Rangers shirt, huh?” She lightly chuckled. “I didn’t know this was a special occasion.”

With each step they took across the empty cul-de-sac street, from the chipped concrete curb across the faded asphalt, he recited his introduction in his head. Ranging from Hi, I’m Lucas to Hey girl, it’s me, Luke, he was as ready as he would ever be to meet his future high school sweetheart. His mother gently knocked on the door as he stood behind her, his swagger morphing into foot-tapping tremors in her shadow.

The door swung open to reveal a middle-aged couple and a girl, the girl, who was much taller in person in a slightly intimidating way.

“Hello! I’m Mary and this is Lucas,” she said, the words bouncing two octaves higher than normal. “We live across the street and wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. Say hello, Lucas.”

The moment had arrived, and Lucas was ready. He moved to his right and waved so abruptly that a passerby might have thought waving was outlawed in the town. He removed his eyes from the welcome mat long enough to muster a simple, “Hello.”

He blew it, he was sure of it. His one chance to make a good impression was gone. Forever, most likely.

***

Tara stood behind her parents trying not to chuckle at Lucas because his awkwardness was kind of funny, but in a cute way. She overheard the boy’s mother mention that there were not very many kids in this neighborhood and that maybe the tweens could have a playdate some time.

“We don’t have playdates, ma’am. But we can definitely hang out!” Tara interjected, as she was often the loudest participant in a conversation. She noticed the boy’s eyes dart from the ground and light up, which made her think she was that much closer to having at least one potential friend.

Her family moved around a bit, but her father said that this one would stick because of his new job. Tara wasn’t going to hold her breath, but she would give it a shot. Her outgoing personality could absolutely come off a little grating at times, but she knew she had to assert herself everywhere she went to try and make friends.

Tara’s mother shot her a glare for interrupting, but her new friend’s mother looked down and smiled. “That would be lovely, dear.”

From their first time hanging out, the pair of only children were one’s yin to the other’s yang. Tara would try to introduce Lucas to sports, as she was a great basketball player who was a high-top shoe-in for the high school team. She would guess that the most athletic bone his Lucas’ body was his right thumb, as he preferred staying inside with Sonic the Hedgehog. But within days after Tara mentioned she played basketball, she began to notice that Lucas sliding in comments about Michael Jordan and other players who he probably saw gracing a Wheaties box in the grocery store. He was trying, and she appreciated that.

Their friendship continued throughout middle school and high school, and they became more of a unit to their peers. When they were apart outside of class, they were always asked where the other one was. She was a slightly older sister to him in the eyes of most everyone, including herself. It was the relationship she cared about the most in her life at that age. With trying to earn a Division I basketball scholarship, it was the only relationship in which she could invest any time anyway.

Lucas was still a bit withdrawn going into their senior year, but Tara was thrilled when he told her that he had a date to the prom. Tara liked Kelly Fisher for him, who by all accounts was a nice girl whose awkwardness would mesh well with Lucas, but Tara had just assumed he would take her to the prom. Not that she cared about dances, but Tara did not want to be the social pariah that skipped prom because she didn’t have a date. Sure, plenty of boys had asked her to go, but they were all the knuckle-dragging types. Some of her teammates nagged her about denying plenty of cute boys, but Tara was not interested in them. She could not explain why, but she did not find them interesting or attractive. Ok, maybe they were surface-level attractive. But to her it was like when someone calls a sunset beautiful — you don’t want to take the sunset to the prom or spend a night with it.

Tara’s hard work on the hardwood paid off, landing her a scholarship to Iowa Tech. To no one’s surprise, the school also had a great computer science program for Lucas to join her there. She knew he would follow her anywhere, and she for him too, but when she found out that he only applied to one school —her school — she began to wonder about why he didn’t bother to look anywhere else.

Their first year went incredibly well at Tech. Tara was First-Team All-Conference for the Falcons, while Lucas built an entire computer for a class project, earning top marks and recognition from the dean of the college. The duo was closer than ever. But like any siblings, by blood or address, arguments were bound to happen.

Their sophomore year, Tara knew that Lucas was jealous of the time she was spending with Francesca “Frannie” Johnson, the team’s junior shooting guard. Frannie matched Tara’s energy, they ate most of their meals together, and shared seats on the team bus, even when there was plenty of room available elsewhere. When Tara wasn’t with Frannie, she found herself thinking about the jump shooter with the high ponytail and goofy laugh. Tara had a feeling that Lucas was jealous of becoming a bit of a third wheel, but they were still almost always together. She found herself thinking, Why would he care so long as she was happy?

Then it dawned on her. She knew why Lucas was acting the way he was, and the thought nearly made her sick. Sitting in her college apartment toward the end of their second year, the thought weighed on her like cinderblocks pressed on her lungs. He wanted to be more than friends. She would never want that, and not because of him. The more time she spent with Frannie, the more she knew what she wanted. She couldn’t tell Lucas that because after realizing what he most likely wanted, it might break them, and she did not want to lose him.

Two months later, they sat atop that highest point in Valley Crest, and Tara could not feel any lower. When he told her that he loved her, that he was in love with her, it did not come as a surprise, but Tara was still somewhat taken aback. She did not know what to do. After years of moving around, her decade with Lucas was the most consistent thing in her life and she couldn’t lose that, not when everything was going so well.

He sat across from her, impatiently waiting for her to respond. His smile faded into confusion, and slowly into nothing as all he could seem to do was look away. She was losing him right now, in this moment, and had to do something.

“I love you too, Luke,” she whispered through soft, clinging sobbing.

Lucas became glassy eyed as well, but out of happiness. His face made it obvious he was incredulous, not expecting that answer at all. He went in for a sweeping kiss, but Tara moved her face and opted for a hug instead. They embraced warmly, his few tears slowly coming to rest on her shirt. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and hoped for a moment that this could have a happy ending for both of them.

To her, saying she loved him was not entirely a lie, but she knew it would be to Lucas. She told herself that she had to do it for him, but she knew that wasn’t true. She didn’t want to lose him, but now she knew at some point she probably would forever when she had to break his heart by taking back those few selfish words. She knew what she wanted, but that secret’s time was not tonight.