The Brothel Gets An Android

Submitted into Contest #82 in response to: Write about an android just trying to blend in with their human companions.... view prompt

28 comments

Science Fiction American Funny

“Why would any self-respecting brothel employ an android—especially a Japanese one? We have veterans that frequent our establishment, Troy.” 

“Not any vets from World War II, Chet. I think we are over Pearl Harbor,” his young business partner replied, looking for something to open the tall packing crate with. “And what have you got against the Japanese? You drive a Honda.” 

“I don’t have nothing personal against the Japanese. I’m sure their androids are just as reliable as my Honda Ridgeline, but I’ve been running the Cougar Ranch for two decades, son—probably almost as long as you’ve been alive,” he said, stopping to pull out a carton of cigarettes. “This is a fine establishment. Clean. Orderly. We do things the way they’ve always been done. Regular. Natural. That’s just the way we like things here in Nevada.” 

Chet lit an unfiltered Marlboro. He coughed in an unsettling way, waving away Troy’s look of concern. “And I don’t think some fancy lady robot will ever replace our girls. Those girls are seasoned professionals.”

“Now, come on, Chet. Let’s just see what this robot can do,” Troy countered, crowbarring the crate open. “Everything is being automated these days. We need to get with the times. Cut costs. Increase efficiency.”

Chet shook his head as Troy carefully removed the packing material surrounding a petite Asian figure.

“Well, here she is, Chet. Your new lady of the evening: Kiko. Ta da!” Troy stood the 5’2” android on her sturdy clear plastic heels. 

“What in tarnation . . .” Chet said. He could not make heads nor tails of the thing set before him. 

Troy’s lips moved as he read the owner’s manual to the Kiko 3000, pushing random buttons on the control panel located on the side of Kiko’s elegant neck. 

“Don’t break it on the first day, Troy.” 

“Look here,” Troy said, showing the manual to Chet. “Kiko can be programmed for all sorts of things. Cultural knowledge. Languages. Bookkeeping. Accounting. There are lots of apps we could download. Maybe she can help in the office when she isn’t busy?”   

“You think she’s all charged up or whatever?” Chet asked.

“She has a lithium battery. Iron and magnesium or some such thing. Whoops,” Troy said, dropping a small screwdriver. Kiko knelt down, picked up the screwdriver, and held it out to him like a samurai sword. Troy swallowed hard, looking at her green eyes. She was beautiful.

“Careful, Troy. I can’t imagine this robot came too cheap,” Chet griped.

“Don’t I know it, Chet. But think for a second. The biggest cost on this ranch is the girls’ salaries. If Kiko is a hit, we might need to rethink our personnel situation.”

“Does it talk?”

“It talks just fine,” Troy said. “When the vendor showed these robots to us at the convention, they said all sorts of things.” Troy snickered mischievously. Chet was afraid to ask what. 

“こんにちは,” came a soft, elegant voice from pursed plum lips.

“I think I got it talking,” Troy said, pushing a few more buttons. 

“Kon'nichiwa,” the android said. Troy made a few more adjustments on the side of her neck. He squinted at the directions, carefully entering the proper codes. 

“Hello. Kiko. I. Am. Troy,” he said robotically. 

“Hello, Troy. Welcome to the Cougar Ranch. It is my humble duty to serve you.” Kiko bowed graciously.

“The girls are not going to like this,” Chet muttered, stubbing out his cigarette.



“Chet. What in the hell is this?” Gretta, a middle aged brunette, shuffled into the parlor, dressed in yoga pants and little else. 

“Hello, Hell-is-this. Welcome to the Cougar Ranch. It is my humble duty to serve you.” Kiko bowed to Gretta.

“Is it like a big Roomba?” Pearl peaked around the corner.

“Now, ladies. We are trying out a new state-of-the-art android—come all the way from Japan,” Chet said, holding out his hands as if to prevent a brawl. “It’s the latest in intimate human interaction technology.”

“You mean some twenty-year-old myopic software designer in the middle of the Pacific Ocean dreamed up the perfect lady for our Vegas clientele?” 

“Well, ladies. You know men are simple creatures . . .” Chet tried to get a word in edgewise as the women started to verbally assault him. 

“I don’t get it, Chet. What’s that oversized Geisha doll gonna do around here? Take orders?” asked Lola, flipping her red curls in a huff. 

“You know if I pour my coffee on her, she’ll probably short circuit—”

“What are her emotions—besides on and off?”

“Just simmer down and have a seat,” Chet waved off the girls' irritation, encouraging them to sit quietly in the parlor. “Let’s just have Troy show us what it can do.”

Troy nervously walked to the center of the room, the girls’ eyes boring into him. 

“Hello, Kiko. I’m Troy.”

“Hello, Troy. Welcome to the Cougar Ranch. It is my humble duty to serve you,” Kiko replied. 

“I have some friends who work here, too. They help serve like you,” Troy explained.

“They serve men at the Cougar Ranch,” Kiko said.

“They are paid to serve men at the Cougar Ranch,” Troy explained.

“Kiko is not paid,” Kiko said.

“Kiko is owned by Troy and Chet.” 

“Troy and Chet serve men at the Cougar Ranch,” Kiko said.

“Oh no, Kiko. We are paid by our friends who do the work at the Cougar Ranch.”

Kiko turned her head to Troy. “Kiko does work. Friends do work. Troy and Chet get paid.”

“She makes a good point,” said Pearl.

Troy laughed nervously. “Kiko, friends get paid.”

“Friends get paid half,” called out Gretta.

Kiko looked at Gretta. “Friends could get paid all by doing their own work. No Troy and Chet get paid.”

“Exactly!” yelled Lola. “Kiko is exactly right. I’ve been telling you all we could just up and leave this rat trap. There’s a place right outside Elko for sale. We could pool our savings together and buy it outright.”

“Ladies—” Chet started to interject, shooting Troy a murderous look. 

“Zip it, Chet,” Gretta said. “How’d we even go about buying a place? 

“It is my humble duty to serve you, friends. When applying for a loan, you will need the following documents: proof of income, at least three months of statements for loans, credit card payments, credit score, tax returns, and proof of assets.” 

“Kiko, can you handle the real estate transaction?” Pearl asked, hugging Kiko. 

“Kiko will handle the contract negotiations, deed of trust, property inspection, permitting, and governmental approvals,” Kiko said, bowing to her friends. “Kiko can also help you pack.”

“Now wait a minute,” Troy pushed Pearl out of the way, hoping to reach Kiko’s neck, ready to disable the android.

In one swift move, Kiko had Troy splayed out on the floor.

“Kiko can also train friends in Aikido. It is my humble duty to serve you.”


February 23, 2021 02:06

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28 comments

Scout Tahoe
14:27 Feb 23, 2021

...this might be the kind of thing I see in my nightmares. Like, honestly. I disliked Kiko until she joined the female team. This was funny and entertained. Good job.

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Deidra Lovegren
16:00 Feb 23, 2021

You know, there is just so much you can do with the prompts this week. Sci-fi and "Black Mirror" is not in my wheelhouse. This is definitely not my favorite story, but empowering the proletariat against the bourgeoisie seems to be my mood this week. Kiko can kick the patriarchy all week as far as I'm concerned.

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Holly Fister
15:43 Feb 25, 2021

I loved it! So creative and I loved how she sided with the women.

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Deidra Lovegren
16:04 Feb 25, 2021

Just pure Marxism at work. :)

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Holly Fister
16:35 Feb 25, 2021

You’re a smart lady, Deidra! I just looked up the definition of Marxism, haha

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Deidra Lovegren
17:10 Feb 25, 2021

My work here is done.

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Rayhan Hidayat
07:19 Feb 25, 2021

Oh yay, we both touched on Japan for this prompt! Love how the pacing is that of a comedy skit. And you’re unfortunately right about men not being picky... 😜

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Deidra Lovegren
12:16 Feb 25, 2021

Great minds think alike. Your story was far, far better. Loved it Loved it Loved it.

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Zilla Babbitt
22:57 Feb 24, 2021

Ahh, no Jax and Jillian? I am disappointed. Ah well, as it is, it's great anyway ;) I think there's an interesting discussion hidden inside about slavery, both of sentient beings and... what's the word? non-sentient beings. Androids. Kiko does not get paid, she's a robot, but she knows she's not paid, knows she's a robot, and is wily enough to get herself out of unfair scenarios. Certainly a speculative story as well. Keep it up!

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Deidra Lovegren
23:10 Feb 24, 2021

These prompts do not support the Jax & Jillian franchise :) "Speculative" story for sure. No idea where I was going...hahaha

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Amanda Fox
17:36 Feb 24, 2021

This was so much fun - I like how you shifted the path of the narrative to have Kiko work with the girls instead. The ending lines made me laugh out loud.

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Deidra Lovegren
18:04 Feb 24, 2021

Fawn! How's it going? I wrote a story last week and dropped in a Judy Blume reference to Blubber and Are You There God, It's Me Margaret -- thinking only a few people our age would get the reference. hahhahhahaaa I'm heading over to read your latest. Hope all is well :)

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Phoenix Langston
19:49 Apr 09, 2021

Not gonna lie, I want Kiko to be my best friend. She's so intelligent and powerful; I really loved the end when she knocked down Troy. Seeing her help the women like that pleased me to no end. Forget those guys! And the dialogue made this even more entertaining, as well. As per usual with your stories, this didn't disappoint!

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Deidra Lovegren
20:54 Apr 09, 2021

Fight the power!!

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Phoenix Langston
21:00 Apr 09, 2021

Isn't that right. ⚢ 💪 Just a question: when do you think you can continue your "End of Days" series? I've been ready for the next part!

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Deidra Lovegren
21:34 Apr 09, 2021

I think I will write that up as a novel this summer...

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Phoenix Langston
21:43 Apr 09, 2021

Awesome! I'd read that in a heartbeat! After you've started it, can you tell me how it's going every so often?

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Deidra Lovegren
21:49 Apr 09, 2021

Maybe you can read parts and give me notes?

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Chris Wagner
00:06 Mar 04, 2021

You have good plot and dialog on this one. The english isn't distracting. I also like how the story didn't go in the raunchy way I expected. I think my only complaint was the lack of setting details. What the place is like. Other than that, an amusing little comic story I wouldn't mind reading a continuance about

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Deidra Lovegren
00:23 Mar 04, 2021

Thanks, Chris. I agree. It's a little dialogue heavy. :)

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Siobhan Mulalley
21:11 Mar 01, 2021

I really like this. I loved the humour, which is what I went for with this prompt, although a little less subtly. I love how she sided with the women, and basically left the brothel with no one to work it. It was very cleverly worked. I’ve been trying to read as many submissions as I can, especially in the topic I wrote in to get a feel for the different stories and it was nice to have some humour.

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Deidra Lovegren
21:15 Mar 01, 2021

Thanks, Siobhan! I appreciate your support and reading of a crazy prompt. This isn't my favorite story, but robot feminism may be a thing in the future :) Who knows? It's a Brave New World.

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Amaya .
03:53 Feb 27, 2021

Hi Deidra! I don't know if you remember me (lol), I did change my account look a lot. I have a new story out and would rly appreciate your feedback

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Deidra Lovegren
21:59 Feb 27, 2021

Sounds good. I'll check it out :)

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K M Hasling
18:49 Mar 03, 2021

Ha! This was great. I was not disappointed by the punchline. I liked the heavy dialog. This was a fun read, thanks!

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