OPTIONS

The day I first saw the fox was the one after our arrival. His eyes caught my brain and the only thing I thought, from that moment on, was to get a common language so he could guide me through this new world I was choosing. It was a beautiful animal and seeing him made me think about Celtic stories of strategy, cleverness and wisdom. It was a sign.

I’ve always hated summer. Warm days take my energy away, so now in my forties I decided it is time to move. It was December when we got to our new home with my husband Alan,  my wife Claire (yes, both) and our kids. I immediately felt that these woods, the cozy cabin, and its surroundings were the place I wanted to spend the rest of my life. White and green, blue skies and pine trees. Lovely place.

As we had agreed, Claire would work in town, coming and going according to our needs , while Alan would stay at home and help me with the education of the kids. With that arrangement, I could have enough time to write and we would all meet during certain nights. Anyway, we would be free for the first days to fix everything to decide, where to leave things, according to our different decorating tastes. We love each other, but that doesn’t mean we love everything about each other. 

It was noon when I kissed them goodbye and went walking through the forest. The air was cold and pure. I could hear so many natural noises that I hadn’t heard before, so I was as astonished as a child. My senses were on fire and my brain wanted to keep the sensations forever. As I went on walking, I felt something mystical, something I had needed for a long time.   Suddenly, the fog raised and I couldn’t see beyond my fingers. I stood still, listening, trying to get a sign of what was happening, and the only thing I saw was a shade. Minutes later, the fog cleared and I found a fox in front of me. We looked into each other’s eyes. It seemed that it wanted me to follow behind, that was what I felt first, but then, when a shot rang out, the fox ran away and we lost connexion. I had goosebumps.

I returned back home and started thinking in the story I was about to write. A three part marriage wanted to live in a quiet place where they can raise their kids in peace. There is a man and two women, one of them in her twenties. He was the one that wanted to have a different relationship, an open one. But it is not really open if she lives with us, the wife had claimed. It would be, it would be our Winter Wonderland, trust me,  he answered. And after fifteen years, she was also bored, so she accepted. The young girl didn’t want to move out  from the city, but they convinced her. We would be free over there, he said. Yes, please come with us, pledged her. It is cold outside. Logs crack in the fire. The older woman had gone for a walk in the woods. The man and the younger girl stay at home. Kids are tired, they sleep. The couple has a glass of wine, two, three. They laugh and make love over the carpet, in front of the fireplace. Yes, they are on their own movie. Something strong is growing inside of them while they romp in that living room. Nails in their backs and blood get them high, as well as their new options. Being both alone is a shared dream. Bodies crawl, bristling with desire and power. Everything can be real now. Only the third party prevents them from exploding the way they do alone.  Time is running out, they know it. He had seen a gun somewhere, he must remember where. After kissing again, the couple woke up. She must dress and stay home, because of the kids. He can go out to hunt. There’s nobody out there but the objective, no fear, no risk. The fog rises, a fox howls, then runs through the woods. He sees a shade,  he fires his gun, but he can’t be sure if it’s a body somewhere, so he runs back. His lover stands waiting at the door, they hold hands, and hug and kiss, their hearts beating as never before. Did you do it? asks her. He nods. Both heave a sigh. A baby cries, the young kid ask for dinner. The moon comes out. 

At night I can’t turn on the lights. Something is wrong with the electricity. It’s very cold too. While writing, I think it snowed, but the light of the moon allows me to follow the path I discovered this morning, or to start one walking. . I think I’ve got the whole idea of the story. I really need to have fresh air. Life is a circle, I know. I remember when Alan and I met. We were dancing when I told him I wanted to live in a place where winter was eternal. Claire said to me once that she would follow me to the end of the world. And here we are. 

I can’t believe it, but the fox id back in the middle of the night. His beautiful eyes talk to me, they’re brighter than the first time I met him; his fur shines in the shadows. Now I know I must follow him. I want to go, although there’s something that bothers me. I look back and I can’t see a path, I’m not leaving footprints in the snow at all. I don’t feel my heart, so I believe my choice doesn’t really matter. Options. Who could care?

Finally, I feel that these woods, the cozy cabin and and its surroundings are the place I’ve been expecting to live in for the rest of my life.