A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant To Be

It was the 2018 Fourth of July firework show held at the local high school where we met. You were wearing a white crop top with cutoff jean shorts and your auburn hair was tied into a high ponytail. You were holding hands with one of my best friends. She stopped to introduce you to me. 

“This is my girlfriend, Viv. We met at 4H counselor training in March. She just moved up here a couple years ago and is going to start coming to public school with us. I’m so excited for her to meet everyone else!” I smile back at Emma and her new girlfriend. 

“That sounds like it’ll be fun.” 

After we each spend a few minutes recapping our summers, Emma says they have to get back to their seats, so we say our goodbyes and part ways. As I watch them walk away I think to myself, I can’t wait to be a third wheel for the entirety of my junior year.

… 

By the time school starts up in late August, I have almost completely forgotten about you. Aside from seeing Emma rant about how much she loves you on Snapchat, you never crossed my mind. That is, until the first period of the day. I walk into my honors pre-calculus room, and there you are sitting in the front seat of the middle row. You are waving at me in the hope that I will come and sit next to you. I do. You start to lean over the desk to whisper to me, but the teacher cuts you off. 

“Don’t you get too comfortable. You will be receiving assigned seats as soon as the bell rings.” 

Not 15 seconds later the bell rings. You roll your eyes at me, and I stifle a giggle. The teacher, who informed us that we will only address her as Mrs. Mack and nothing else, begins to call out last names. Yours is Morani, and mine Rae. We aren’t in the same row but we are across from each other which some would argue is better. 

The teacher looks down at me as I sit. “Looks like you two got lucky.” 

You look right back and say, “Damn right we did.” 

The other kids in the room stare at you while Mrs. Mack begins to scold you for your profanity in the classroom. I try to hold back laughter but fail. Once she finished her lecture, you turned to me and wink. Such a small action that sparked a forest fire.

As I progress through the day, I discover that we have almost all of our classes together. I went from not thinking about you at all, to seeing you all but two periods of the day. Weird how things like that work, huh? We have everything but gym and my internship together. During American Government (the last two periods of the day) you said to me, 

“Well, we better like each other because we have to spend every day together.” Turns out I liked you too much.

Everything was good in the beginning. When the teachers would say we could work with partners, I chose you and you chose me. When I needed help with my impossible pre-calc homework, you were there and vice versa. We would go out after school with your girlfriend and hang out together. She didn’t have her license so I would drive you home. Those rides in my 2005 Buick Rendezvous were some of the best times I’ve ever had. We would drive down the highway with the sunroof open, music so loud we couldn’t hear each other screaming the lyrics. God, I miss that so much. 

… 

Fast forward to February 13, 2019, also known as the day I ruined everything. We were waiting outside the entrance to the local movie theater for your girlfriend, who would be late for her own funeral if it was possible. It was snowing but you refused to go inside because Emma wouldn’t see us. You asked if you could hold my hand because you were cold and forgot to bring gloves. I said yes. At this point, there was no hope for me to fall out of love with you. We spent so much time together, but it wasn’t enough for me. Holding hands with you while we waited for your girlfriend wasn’t enough.

“I have something I need to tell you.” I blurt out before I can even think to stop. 

“What is it?” You tilt your head with curiosity. 

I shake mine and reply looking down. “Nothing. Sorry. ” 

You take your hand from out of mine and place it on my shoulder. “You know you can tell me River. I won’t tell anyone, not even Emma.” 

I shake my head again. “You don’t want to hear this. Just forget I said anything.” 

You stare at me through half-closed eyes and ask, “What’s wrong?”

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose between my index finger and my thumb. “God, I can’t believe I am about to ruin everything.”

“Don’t say that! You aren’t going to ruin anything. Whatever it is that is making you so upset, just tell me. I won’t hold anything against you and there is nothing that you can say that will make me not like you.”

I run a shaking hand through my hair. “That’s what I am so upset about! You! You say things like that and you hold my hand and tell me that you love me! What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to not fall in love with you because you are dating my best friend? God, you’re just so perfect. Sometimes I wish you weren’t dating Emma so that we could date, but then I see how happy she makes you and then I feel bad for wanting to take that away from you. I want to be with you so bad that it actually hurts me. This is going to sound so stupid but whenever we are together I feel as everything inside of me is tied into one gigantic heart-shaped knot. It’s so dumb but it’s true. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I have tried so long to pretend that I am not in love with you, but every day it gets harder and harder. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew that it would change whatever was between us. You still sure anything I say won’t mess up what we had?” 

You stood there and watched me start to cry. I think you saw the moment I realized that I did, in fact, ruin everything. You didn’t try to console me this time. Didn’t put your hand on my shoulder and tell me it’s all going to be okay. You just stood there and stared. 

I sniffle and wipe my eyes. “Tell Emma I felt sick and that I went home. Bye Viv.” 

I turn away from you and start walking. I passed my car and decided I could come back for it later. Right now I just needed to be outside and alone. I bumped into someone on the sidewalk and they cursed at me, but I didn’t care. Someone else tried to stop me and ask if I was okay, but I just kept walking. I don’t even think you called my name after I left. 

…

It’s been a year since everything happened between us. We still work together in classes, but we don’t talk very much. You will ask how to do a trig problem and I will explain it to you. Things were never the same after that night. You did keep one part of your promise though. You never told Emma what I said that night. You lied and said I got sick and went home. I never said thank you, but I think you can tell I’m grateful you kept it to yourself. 

Even though we aren’t close anymore, I want to tell you that I wish things would have turned out different for us. I know that you are dating her, but I just could stop myself from falling in love. I know, I know, really cliche, but it’s the truth. I want to blame it on your girlfriend for introducing us, but it’s not her fault. I want to blame you for being so goddamn perfect, but it’s not like you could control that. I know it’s my fault, and I hate to admit it. I hate to think that I ruined everything between us. I’m so selfish for wanting more than what we had. I knew you would never be mine, but I didn’t think it would be so easy for you to dismiss everything we had before. I should have never held your hand because I knew it would mess with my head and put thoughts in there that weren't true. 

I hate that I still think this, but I wish you’d just love me back.