Christmas Eve Revelations

Fred Henderson climbed the stairs to his bedroom slowly. Monica was already in bed. Her excuse is that she hates Ikea projects. So she went to bed at nine-thirty, or thereabouts. 

Fred didn't mind much as the atmosphere in the living room, with only the lights on the tree and the presents under it, filled his soul with joy. Childhood memories enhanced the ambiance. But now it was almost midnight, and tricking out Joey's road bike was done. So, it was Time to head upstairs and get a good night's sleep. He was thankful that Joey had gotten over waking up at 4 AM to get everyone up to open presents. 

Fred started up the stairs but glanced back into the living room and kitchen area. 

"Dang, I left a light on." Fred stopped and went back down the stairs to get the annoying light. 

Fred came around the breakfast bar and saw that the refrigerator was open and someone was rummaging through it. This person was about the same size as Joey. Probably a bit smaller. He was humming to himself as if he was perfectly at home raiding his own fridge. 

Fred stood shocked at the idea that this person had somehow broken into his house without him noticing. Then the man turned around.

Only this wasn't a man. 

He was dressed like an elf, his face looked like an elf, and the Elf was smoking a pipe stub. And he looked like a little toddler in his face as there were no age lines. 

"OOPS!" The Elf exclaimed. "Well, you caught me. What was it, the light from the fridge? Or maybe my humming? Claus knows I can stay in tune."

The Elf was holding the milk carton, the rest of the Costco rotisserie chicken, and Monica's unopened Oreo Double Creams (which she liked to keep in the fridge.

Fred took a step towards the Elf and stooped down to see him a bit closer. The Elf stepped back until he was almost in the fridge. Fred then took the cookies, chicken, and milk carton and put them back where the Elf had gotten them. Then said, "You're an elf?"

The Elf said, "In the flesh, mon-ami."

If you are here, then does that mean Santa is also in my house?"

"Well, no. The last I heard, Santa was completing an audit of our Indonesian team. Most of the toys and stuff are being delivered by the UPD's." The Elf said this with an air of pride.

"UPD's?" Fred closed the fridge door and motioned for the two of them to go into the living room.

"That's the Union of Elf Present Deliverers." The Elf said as he expertly jumped with a twist onto the couch. "Yeah, a long time ago, when the world's population was much smaller. And, after God decided to anoint the original Saint Nicholas with the supernatural gift of generosity! He has kept Nick alive all these years because Nick lives to give. But, as the world's population grew, it became harder and harder, even with the rewind button, to get it done in one night. Nick was becoming used up."

"So God anointed us elves to take over different sectors of the world, and Nick went into more of an Administrative role." 

"Wait, are you telling me Santa doesn't deliver presents anymore? That you elves are doing the job?" Fred was sitting on the edge of his recliner, munching some of the Oreos elf was sharing- and becoming more incredulous as the Elf told the story.

"Yep!" The Elf said.

"Dang, what am I supposed to tell the kid now?" Fred's mind was in turmoil when the Elf said, "Welp, it's been fun chatting with you, Fred. Please try to keep the old stories alive, and maybe next year, I will see if I can throw in a little something extra for you. You're lucky I like you, Fred. Otherwise, I would have to neutralize you and carry you to your bed."

"Okay, now you just increased the number of questions in my head. Besides, I don't even know your name. I don't suppose it's something I can't pronounce, is it?" Fred was overwhelmed by the situation but serious about learning the Elf's name.

The Elf said, "I don't know, you tell me if it's hard to pronounce. My name is Fifteen."

"Fifteen? That's it? Why would you be named a number?' Fred asked.

"All of the UPDs are named with a number. I'm just lucky I am one of the old-timers. The new guys are way up in the thousands. I can't imagine what it must be like to sign your name at the warehouse at the end of your shift."

"Thousands?" Fred stood as the Elf made ready to leave.

"Yeah, the story is that after twenty or so actual Elf names, plus all those reindeer, Nick gave up and just wrote numbers down in the ledgers." Fifteen had gathered his bag and walking stick. Then turned around and said, "Goodbye Fred. It was fun getting to talk to a Human for a few minutes."

Then Fifteen lifted his walking stick, pointed it at the ceiling, and disappeared.

Fred stood in the Christmas tree-lighted living room holding a half-full container of Oreos and tried to process what had just happened. He yawned and realized it was Time for sleep. He walked into the Kitchen to replace the cookies, realizing he would have to make it up to Monica when she found half of them gone. 

But, when Fred opened the freezer door, there was Fifteen's stubby pipe. It was a very short, chewed-upon pipe, perhaps four inches long. Surprisingly, there was nothing in the bowl of the pipe. It looked as if it had never actually been smoked. 

"Oh No!" Fred whispered as he grabbed the pipe. "Fifteen must have left this in the freezer when he grabbed the Oreos. Now what? What do I do with this thing? Is it even safe to hold?" Fred took the pipe, put it on the breakfast bar, sat on a stool, and looked it over. It was made of what looked like mahogany and had several Elvish symbols carved into it. Fred picked it up to get a closer look and even sniffed the bowl. It was beginning to warm up to the touch. 

Fred finally decided that he would hide the pipe somewhere the kid and Monica wouldn't find it. How would he ever answer the questions if they were found?

Fred stepped on the first step of the stairs and then found himself standing in a sleigh facing backward. It was traveling at an incredible speed, almost blowing him out of the sleigh. But, a strong hand grabbed his arm and roughly sat him down on the seat. It was so cold that Fred found his lungs didn't want to breathe. 

Fred looked at the person who had saved him from flying out of the sleigh and there was fifteen. Only now, he towered over Fred. This Fifteen was a hulking pointy eared hulk of an Elf. It was the same face, only transferred to a creature who looked like he could bench press the sleigh they were flying in. 

Fred kept staring at Fifteen and asked, "What happened? Why am I here, Fifteen?" 

"You touched my pipe, didn't you?" Fifteen held out his hand for Fred to return it.

"Yeah, it was in the freezer. You left it when you took the cookies." 

Fred looked at the night sky and realized he was no longer cold. Fifteen's hand had removed the sensation of cold. 

Fred kept looking down at the lights of a large city flashing by at an incomprehensible speed. And, asked, "What now? How do I get back to my house, Fifteen?"

"Yes, well, I believe you are now stuck in the Elf Zone. This is where many of the physical laws that govern your world don't apply here. After all, even with a few thousand of us Elves, visiting every home. And, yes, we visit even the children who have never heard of Nick. For instance, the key attribute of the Elf Zone is that Time is malleable, which means that for every hour we complete, we can hit the rewind button there on the dashboard, and we can go back an hour and at our next GPS waypoint! So essentially, we were done in one hour, which was easy and peasy! Unfortunately, you will be stuck with me for the rest of this hour. I can only push the rewind button at the exact last second. And, only after the computer calculates the correct GPS waypoint."

Fred's face froze in a picture of fear. How the heck was he going to survive this in his PJs, robe, and slippers? Even if he didn't feel cold at the moment. Fred began to explore the sleigh's dashboard and realized it was as complicated as any sixth-generation fighter. The thought occurred that if a human pressed the rewind button, he wouldn't have to wait the next thirty-five minutes.

"Nope, it doesn't work that way, Fred. I know you're thinking of pressing the button. That would be pretty much a disappointment. The button only works at the precise division of Time between sector changes. You would need the Big Man to change anything the rewind button could do. But, be in good cheer; he's coming to take you home."

"What? Santa's coming to take my home?" Fred felt like he was being rescued from a desert island. 

"Yep, the moment the sleigh felt the presence of more than one person, that person being myself, a signal is sent to Santa, and he immediately responds. He should be here any moment now. So I guess this is the second Time we say goodbye, Fred. It's up to Nick now whether you get neutralized." Fifteen had slowed the sleigh and was gathering his bag and walking stick. His pipe was back between his teeth. When Fred saw a shooting star coming right at him, it wasn't slowing down.

Fred found himself in another sleigh. Only this was tricked out. There was an incredible surround sound system pumping out what Fred could only describe as Elf Rock. The seats were soft but seemed to conform to your body shape and weight like a perfectly tailored pair of gloves. There was an incredible 360-degree heads-up display that Santa could choose from multiple downloads. 

"Sit down, Mr. Henderson," Santa said. "This won't take long."

Fred started to sit down and sat in his recliner at home. Fred sat there for a long time before he decided to go to bed. But, he decided he wanted another cookie.

When Fred walked into the Kitchen, the Oreo plastic container sat empty on the counter. And the newly purchased half a gallon of milk is empty.

A note next to the jug said, "Thanks for your understanding. Perhaps, if you keep your mouth shut, there will be an extra something in your stocking next year." Signed Santa.