Invincible

Invincible

Each step feels harder than the last. However, she wills her legs on. How dare they fail her at this time? The traitorous wind blows her long brown hair into her face obstructing her vision. Angrily, she brushes the hair back wishing for just a minute of peace or perfection.  Perfection, that is exactly what she needs. A minute that is comparable to his touch, to his timid smile telling a thousand tales. Without permission, a single tear falls from her eye as she fights back memories best left untouched. She grits her teeth and shakes her head. She refuses to cry, not here, not now. Yet the decision is not hers to make as the single tear is followed by another and another until loud sobs escape her lips. At the realization that she was breaking apart, she starts to run. She ignores the begging of her lungs for air, she ignores the droplets of rain making their way onto her skin and her hair moving with the wind often blocking her view.  She ignores these plights until her knees buckle and she finds herself kneeling in the middle of the road. Wet pavements meet her bare knees yet it does not faze her, it was the throbbing pain in her chest that caused her the most pain.

“It’s okay; I am invincible,” she whispers, trying to soothe her own pain.

He was gone, the job now belonged to her. Once again, she is responsible for her own happiness and the thought of that is terrifying.

“Get up Alaina,” She says through grind teeth.

Her body did not seem to understand the message her brain was sending. She stays there kneeling in the recently formed puddle, hair wet and heartbroken.

“Get up!” She shouts this time causing her body to shake with the force.

“Get up Alaina, get up, get up…”

She repeats the phrase until her body obeys. Standing slowly, she eventually walks off with shaky legs she heads up the block. She looks around to find the street empty, however, it feels full as if a million eyes were watching her but only one set of eyes matters.

His grip on her waist was firm as he gracefully twirled and spun them. She could not help but laugh at the way his face was scrunched fully concentrated on the pattern.

“Right, Left, Right. Shit, I shouldn’t say it out loud.” He whispers and looks up at her with bright innocent eyes.

Joshua Torres was innocent. He has yet to be touched by the world’s hands. His bright green eyes shone and his hands remained soft, comforting.

“Can you please relax?”

“No, this night has to be perfect Alaina.” 

He sighed and ran his hand through his auburn hair.

“Why?”  

As his frustration at himself grew he dropped his hand from her waist and took a step back. He looks at her, His eyes become gentle and every crease or wrinkle in his feature straightens out as he stands there completely in awe.

“Because I couldn’t even have prayed for you. Because every time you laugh I get goosebumps. Because when I am with you I am invincible. Because I love you so much that I want to travel back in time and take away all the tragedies. Because it is you, Alaina, I choose you.”

Her heartbeat quickens as he holds her hand.

“You are such a simp Josh.” 

At the sight of his cheeks reddening, she whispers,” I choose you too.”

She shakes her head attempting to rid herself of the memory. Why now? Why can she suddenly remember the jasmine-scented cologne he wore that night or the way his top lip twitched as he tried not to laugh. Her legs carry her to a nearby wall and she leans against it, needing the support. Alaina tilts her head back sighing, it is heartbreaking how quickly dreams can become nightmares and moments memories. That is all their story has been reduced to. A memory, a memory she curses as she knows no other man would live up to his standards. Within seconds her sadness is replaced by anger.

“How dare him?” She whispers, straightening her spine.

Her body shakes with emotions and she wraps her arms around herself.

“Screw him, screw him for loving me and for making me want to love myself. Screw him for being the first man to hold my hands or tell me I am beautiful, screw him for ruining my life. Screw him for making me believe that I am invincible.”

Each word is a knife not only meant for his spirit but for her. It was her truth, he has ruined her. She could live with being an orphan, she could live with the hustling, she could live with her failed startup businesses and her debts but she can not live past this. How can she go back to being her without him? 

“Joshua, please.” She whispers tears pooling in her eyes until they fall. She allows them, she allows herself to fall apart. In her state, she does not see the older woman walk up to her. She only feels herself being pulled by weak hands into an embrace. She allows herself to be hugged by a stranger.

“What happened?” The lady asks in a hushed tone.

Alaina can only point to the engagement ring, she couldn’t say the words. The woman nods, understanding some parts of the situation.

“Has he passed?”  She asks gently and Alaina nods.

“ My husband died some years back as well. I wish the earth would have just stopped, instead it felt like everything was speeding up. I needed a minute to process everything but I was still in an unknown world with the only thing I thought I knew gone. I waited, every passing day for it to get better. For the pain not to be there, for my heart not to ache and some days it did. Some days I even forgot that I was grieving, other days I would be a mess. I would see a wall that reminded me of him and start crying. The first Christmas without him was the worst. Everything brought back memories. But my dear, you are still here.”

The lady stops talking and looks at Alaina.

“You can get through this, you deserve to get through this. It’s okay to feel guilty everytime you smile, give it time. Take all the time you need. It never ends, it just gets better. Do not rush it. You can cry, shout, scream, whatever you need to do to survive just do it and then one day you won’t just be surviving you will be living again.”

Alaina hears the words and nods but they are only words. The emptiness she feels is overwhelming and as the two continue to talk and eventually walk up the block, Alaina can not help but smile at the old lady holding on to her. It is at that moment that she realized why the dance was so important to Joshua. He was gone but the memory they shared is what she is holding onto. It is what comforts her at this time. It is how she knows that he was here and how much he loved her. It is that love that will give her the strength to go on. The year was challenging but the old lady was right, she lived again.