In Maria's Eyes

The world never thought that a day will come when they won’t think of a child birth as a blessing. Never in their wildest dream did it happen. They never thought it would be possible to think of a birth as a curse. They didn’t know it could manifest more sorrow than happiness to the parents of the child. It was never thought of like that, no. A birth was, and always, a blessing. How can they possibly imagine to think that bearing and delivering a child to the world would look like a curse bestowed upon it? It was always celebrated. Not until Japan let hell broke loose. Not until the second world war happened.

December 8, 1941

It was a sunny day outside, and children were gathered on the street under the scorching sun. The harmonious noise brought by the laughter of the people felt like a warm blanket that brought them solitude.

“Maria! Don’t go far!” Among the noise is the voice of a mother. A mother so sweet and loving, standing near the door of their kubo, consoling her 2-year-old son on her arms, and looking out for her 8-year-old daughter.

“Mama, we’ll be at the shore! I’ll be back before noon!” Running while looking back upon her mother, her dark hair almost blocked her sight, but the image of her mother and brother is vivid in her mind.

While running with her friends, she thought of how Estacio, her brother, should grow up faster and run alongside her so her Mama won’t be tired from carrying him all-day long – never thinking that it was the same exact scenario when she was in her brother’s state.

And at last, after minutes of running and stumbling along the way, they finally caught a glimpse of the shining waters. Their eyes twinkled with the sight of it and giggled together.

“The last one to wet their feet is the loser!” an older child challenged the group.

Maria, being a brave little girl that she is, ran with all her might. With the sparkling sea before her, the cold breeze fanning her, and the blazing sun above her, she thought of how good must it be to feel the water crashing upon her feet.

But she never reached the shore.

Maria was a few meters away from the shore when she was thrown to the sea by a great impact coming from the center of the island. She crashed to the water, and with the unexpected force, she lost her balance and stumbled and was carried away by the roaring waves.

She struggled to kept her head up, despite the desperate movements of her feet. She can’t reach the sand beneath the water and she can’t manage to keep her head up. It was dark, and silent, and suffocating – she was scared, she was trembling, the 8-year-old girl doesn’t know what to do. She was desperately calling for her Papa, but no one would hear a cry inside her little head.

But when she is about to lose all the air in her body, a strong grip held her arm. A familiar touch.

When she opened her eyes, it was her father. But beyond her father’s eager and frightened face is the dark sky. Just minutes ago, it was a bright sunny sky. But now, it was filled with smoke, and flying things Maria isn’t aware of. She wants to know what it is, but she is scared to ask about it, especially when she saw that the dark smoke is coming from it.

Her father is running as fast as he could that Maria isn’t aware of the things happening, aside from the loud sound accompanied with shaking of the ground. He held her daughter tight in his arms, not letting her see more of the cruel world they are now running from. Maria is a child; all she must want is to be with her mother. But no matter how fast her father runs, it seems so far. The waiting, the noise, the shock, the fear, all is welling up in her. When she gathered the courage she needs to finally ask her father, she looked up, and her innocence was shattered.

On the side of the road, on the middle of a raging fire, a body is burning. On a face down position, hands above his head, and legs on a peculiar position, a man is lying on the ground.

She is wondering what the man is doing, why isn’t he running like everyone else? Isn’t the fire hot on his skin? He must be aching from the heat! But why isn’t he moving? Why is he not asking for water? Why does he look like Maria’s grandfather who goes on a vacation trip to paradise? She kept thinking. The body is meters far behind them, but she can’t take her eyes off of it. She is wondering. Is he following her grandfather? But it is tiring! Her Mama said that she must never follow her grandfather because they will walk and she will get tired.

When her father realized that Maria does see something on the ground, he buried her daughter’s head on his shoulder. He is trying so hard to protect her innocence. He must. It is still not too late.

When they arrived at the land where their house used to stand, it was swept, it was burned, and all that’s left is ashes. Maria felt that her father slowed down. They must now be home. But when she is about to look up, her father placed her hand on the back of her head and made her stay like that.

“No, honey. We’re still not home. You can sleep. Please, sleep.” Maria didn’t know why her father is pleading her to sleep. But the shock from nearly drowning is still there. She, at some point in her father’s trip to find somewhere to stay, let the outside noise be buried and unheard, and finally slept.

When she woke up, the noise already stopped. She found herself lying on a wooden bench topped with a thin piece of fabric, her mother cooking not far from her, and her brother on her mother’s back. At the first glimpse of her mother’s back, she thought of who it might be, but at the smallest movement of her mother that revealed the side of her face, she quickly recognized her and started crying like how a child at her age cries.

With a ladle still on her mother’s hands, she ran towards Maria due to her outburst. She quickly hugged her daughter.

“Oh, honey, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry. Mother’s so sorry to leave you alone.” Maria doesn’t know what it meant, but it made her cry more. She doesn’t know why, but it made her feel secured.

“Papa. Where is Papa?” She suddenly remembered her father who carried her while running.

“Papa is… Your Papa is called to be a hero,” her mother, despite being anxious, answered her with hopes in her eyes.

“Really?! A hero?”

By that time, Maria felt elated by the news. A hero saves life of thousands of people. She knew it was an honor. She once heard of a great man and people called that man a hero. He was said to be the man who saved the country.

But months after that, Maria struggled to keep up with the counting of the days her father is gone. She only knew how to count until 10 when her father started to become a hero, but now, to keep up with the numbers, she learned them and was now on her 126 day. But still, her father is still not home. Every time she asks about her father, all she gets as an answer is her father is doing his best to protect them. But when her mother is asleep, she sometimes wishes her father wasn’t a hero anymore. She just wishes for him to come home.

At her 134^th count, their barrio started to become quieter. It soon turned out like an abandoned town. No one is going out, even when they run out of food supplies, her mother isn’t going anywhere far from her and her brother. Maria doesn’t know why, until one afternoon, a man came from the outside of the barrio, running, knocking at every door, saying three words Maria doesn’t understand.

“We already surrendered!”

At first, Maria thought of it as a game. She remembered the older boys saying that whenever they play. She thought that maybe the barrio was in some kind of a game until now. But what she can’t apprehend no matter how much she thinks about it, is why her mother packing up their things?

“Mama, where are we going?” She once interrupted her mother when her mother is busy knotting the cloth that contained supplies.

“We are moving,” her mother sternly replied.

“Why? Won’t we need to wait for Papa?” she tried to make her mother look at her by putting her two little hands on her mother’s cheeks.

“Don’t you understand? I said we are moving.”

“But why will we move when Papa is still not around?! How can he find us if we move?!” Maria can no longer hold her feelings. She knew something was wrong. She knew there is something she don’t understand as a child. She needs to know what it is. She wants to know what had happened since the day that they “surrendered” and why she hears cries and shouts every time their mother tries to put them to sleep.

She sat on the dirt and cried while asking her mother. She doesn’t understand, and she wants to know.

“Listen, Maria. Do you know when heroes are defeated? When they fail to defeat the villain?”

“But heroes don’t lose.”

“Yes, they are. They sometimes lose, and this time, we lost.”

Maria can't accept the fact that they lost. But no, she didn't know what's happening. She didn't know to whom did they lose; on what game did they lost. For her, she didn't care much about the defeat, but what she cares is ever since the announcement of it, her mother never stopped crying, outside their door is never-ending wails, and because of it, they're moving without their beloved father.