The Mystery of Grandma's Smile

The Mystery of Nanna’s phone having messages from dead Grandpa was going to be a real toughie.

“Well, what did he say?”

I was trying to change the subject but mom was all in their business because she was the oldest daughter and wanted to make sure it wasn’t time to send grandma to The Cognitive Decline Psychiatric Hospital. Mom didn’t really need the money but told everyone she couldn’t move to Tahiti because she had to take care of her mother. As mom was dating a male model who also was a CFO in banking – I felt that she should probably leave soon before she got too old.

Mom tried to give me coffee to get out the truth. She knows how the second cup used to be a truth serum but I had spent years making myself impervious to motor mouth. She can’t get me by Sumatra, she can’t get me by Lagunitas, the truth of grandpa’s messages from the grave were too personal.

“Fine. I’ll buy a poltergeist expert and that’s coming out of your side of the inheritance.”

I didn’t care. Stock in Mars Incorporated had been very good to me. Everyone loves chocolate and Warren Buffet Junior made his first big deal on See’s Candies.

So the Poltergeist Detective/Asphalt Projectionist was called from the city. Her name was June and she guaranteed that she could find the source of any haunting or point to a person in any crowd who would get in the next car accident. Most of her money was made in the latter because Automobile Insurance Companies are becoming more proactive.

June got right on that phone, trying to wrestle it away from grandma but the old lady was amazing strong and had snuck a free weight near her reclining chair/bed and had obviously been strength-training when we left her to day time television. “That’s my personal property!” She jeered.

The old Nana would have been very polite and not hid the phone under her girdle, staying warm by the Bag of Freedom which is connected somewhere by the waist. June had to wait till grandma took her 3pm nap with mom in the kitchen. I think she charged mom for the extra 2 hours.

Then June did the deed, she snuck in, found the phone in the warm spot and tried to sneak away and that great big 15 lb free weight came over her head. That’s enough to knock the lonely out of regular people but June had all these relationships with spirits escaping from her ears. Grannie sat right up and threw off her blanket and whispered, ‘If I had a penis you’d be stunk.’

Seriously, my grandma used to be so sweet before grandpa died. My mom looked completely crush as we called for an ambulance to take June away. I wanted to remind mom that anytime a dog mauled a human or an old person hit a visitor with a free weight there would be an investigation. “Is that what you really want?”

Part of mom wanted Grandma to be taken away but we both knew she wasn’t crazy yet. Even if she asked us to dust after we already dusted it was just because grandma was born at a time when there was scarcity and people had to dust to find all the money they hid in the house. If, for example, there was a hole in the wall anywhere near grandma – one should assume that she hid in some jewels instead of thinking our house had mice or rabbits or hobbits. Jewelery was the correct answer.

June said she wasn’t going to press charges when pressed by the police. The woman showed up the next day, very serious about completing her contract. She said that I should leave with mom and prophesied that we could make it to Starbucks without incident. Then she rolled up her sleeves knowing that grandma had actually sat on the cell phone.

“Go ahead. This is going to get… physical.”

I pushed mom out and lectured her that we could afford home care and that she should just go off to Tahiti with Jeff, the Male Model/Banker. Mom admitted that she didn’t think she could have a future with Jeff in Tahiti because she would always be tied to her responsibilities at home and besides, “He’s a complete vegan.”

That was too bad for my Mom. I pointed at grandma through the window, “Trust me , she put up with more than you. Why don’t you just try to get along this time?” We didn’t want to discuss mom’s 8 divorces because she never dated but only married. I gave her the keys to my 20 year old lamborghini and stivied, “Drive to him. “

Then I went back into the house where the women were wrestling near grandma’s orthopedic bed/chair. I think my grandma was winning but June didn’t think she could get any respect as a Poltergeist Detective/Asphalt Projectionist unless she got that phone and found out what unresolved duties grandfather had from the grave.

“Really, you should let her have this little thing.”

June stood back and pointed at my Nanna, “She won’t share!”

I could see how it might be frustrating for therapist to get clients so close to sharing but they said nothing. Most of my therapists were too detached to date but it was a cheaper alternative than talking to them for hours.

“Grandma, why don’t you just tell her what he said.”

Grandma had released the phone from her secret place and was clutching it near her heart. Obviously she thought that we were going to take June away and she could listen again.

“It’s private!”

“Grandma…’ I already knew.

Grandma hadn’t wanted me to hear the pain and regrets her husband mumbled from the afterlife. Truth is, grandma is hard of hearing and had set the messages to maximum volume while I was dusting for dollars. It was a complete accident and I wish I could go back give them this privacy.

I didn't have a choice.

Grandma wouldn’t say so I turned to June and told her bluntly, “My grandpa is still horny.”

June blinked.

“I mean he really wanted to try some sick stuff before he lost his body. Do you get it?”

June was not moving. Kind of a large woman to lose so easily to my 98lb grandmother.

As we watched June stand in a relaxed petrified stare she bgan to bite her lip and gently ask, “The ghost thinks this woman could satisfy him?”

Obviously June had dated one of her ghost before. Obviously.

I didn’t have to ask twice as June grabbed her large flower patterned handbag and walked out to her Toyota Tercel which had a slight scratch because mom wasn’t very good at backing up cars with racing gears. Trust me the Lambo paint would cost more than the Tercel. It was a junkyard classic.

Grandma looked at me like her little angel and clutched the phone and I thought she wanted a hug. No, she was waiting for me to leave so she could hear the details of my grandfather’s many request.

I could not remotely figure out how he was going to get his fantasies fulfilled from beyond the grave but men have moved mountains for less. Choo Choo

Oh yeah, June got into a huge car wreck on the way home in the Santa Cruz mountains. I don’t know if she still likes ghost in the spiritual plane but she sure was wrong about the Asphalt Projectionalism. Physician, heal thyself.