The Trouble with Resolutions

***Content warning, Adult Themes***

One glass

1) Lose weight.

(You need to make your goals specific and measurable.)

(OK, how’s this then?)

1a) Join Weight Watchers—Actually follow the program this time.

1b) Lose 10 kilos by Christmas, (that’s less than 1 kilo a month, that’s doable right?)

1c) Keep the weight off this time.

(How are you going to manage that?)

(With my second resolution.)

2) Join a gym.

(Specific and measurable, remember.)

(***sigh***)

2a) Pay for a year’s membership at Fitness First Gym.

2b) Sign up for two classes per week.

2c) Sign Kelsey up too so that I have a buddy to go with.

(Hey! No way, I’m not setting foot in a gym, you’re on your own!)

(Some friend you are.)

(I’m your best friend. I’m here aren’t I? On New Year’s Eve, at your place, with a bottle of Prosecco, when I could have been at Kit and Jade’s party. If that’s not best friend material right there…)

(I love you Kelsey)

Two glasses

3) Cut down on alcohol.

(Come on, Vicky… be specific.)

3a) Only drink on weekends… and any day ending with Y.

(Vicky!)

(Joking, joking. Don’t get your knickers in a twist.)

3a) Only drink on weekends. And any day ending with Y.

3b) Drink a maximum of five glasses a week.

3c) Except for special occasions.

3d) Any day can be a special occasion, if you believe hard enough!

(Vicky! Cross that last one out.)

(Why? Sometimes I need a drink.)

(Then you’re not really making a resolution, are you?)

(OK, OK. It’s like you want me to fail, or something.)

(What’s that? You’re mumbling.)

(Nothing.)

3d) Any day can be a special occasion, if you believe hard enough!

Three glasses

4) Read more.

(Read what? How much is more?)

(I don’t know. It seemed like a good resolution.)

(Vicky, you’ve always got your head in a book. How can you possibly read more?)

4a) Read more books that improve my mind.

4b) Read about… the mating habits of African Antelopes.

(Why on earth would you want to read about that?)

(I don’t know. It was the first thing that popped into my mind. It’s better than “read more books with sexy, half naked men on the cover”.)

(Don’t knock books with sexy half naked men on the cover. If that’s the only way you’re getting any spice, then go for it!)

(Ok.)

4c) Read all the books from the library section titled “Dude, Where’s My Shirt?”

(Hey, watch it! Don’t choke on that wine, here have a napkin.)

(Seriously, Vicky, that’s funny.)

(It’s true, they have a sign and everything. All the books have shirtless guys looking hot and sexy.)

(And you’re going to read them all by this time next year?)

(Are you insane? I’m going to read them all by this time next month!)

(You go girl!)

Four glasses

5a) Have sex.

(What! No! Kelsey, give me the pen. You can’t just add items to my list. Write your own.)

(Come on Vicky, don’t be a spoil-sport. You have a whole year to find someone who’s not on a book cover and do the deed with them.)

(The deed?)

(Yeah, the deed, get hot and heavy and…)

(Shut up! I get the picture.)

(I’m not sure you do. When was the last time that you had sex?)

(None of your business!)

(Come on, Vicky. I’m your best friend. I’m just looking out for you.)

(By interrogating me about my sex life?)

(By my estimation, you don’t have one.)

(Just because I don’t share every detail with you doesn’t mean I don’t have a… sex life, it just means I’m private.)

(Phhft. If you’d had sex any time in this past year, I would have heard about it. You’re not that good at hiding things from me.)

(I’m not putting “Have sex” on my New Year’s resolution. It’s not something that you should resolve to do, it should just happen if it happens, no pressure.)

(OK, prude. How about this one?)

5b) Kiss someone by Christmas.

(For God’s sake Kels. Who am I gonna kiss?)

(You have a year, go find someone. You know, if we’d gone to Kit and Jade’s party, you could be kissing someone by midnight.)

(That’s as likely to happen as me losing 10 kilos by Christmas.)

(Both are extremely likely.)

(No one would be kissing me anytime soon. Look at all the extra kilos I carry.)

(You’re sexy and curvy, nothing wrong with that. You just need confidence in yourself. Guys are attracted to confidence.)

(Bull! Guys are attracted to cleavage and ass.)

(And you have both, what’s the problem?)

(Too much cleavage and way too much ass.)

Five glasses

6) Skinny dip.

(No. Just no. Give me my pen.)

6b) Pose naked for a real life drawing class.

(Absolutely not!)

6c) Play a game of strip poker with friends.

(Hell no! Not a chance. What is it with you and trying to get me naked?)

(You need to be more comfortable in your own skin. Own your curves, woman. You’re beautiful!)

(I will be more comfortable when I’ve lost the kilos.)

(Then will you play strip poker?)

(No. I don’t even know how to play poker.)

(That’s OK, you’ll get naked quicker!)

(Give me that pen. You are officially cut off from any more alcohol!)

(Spoil sport!)

(Pout all you want, but I’m crossing these off right now.)

6) Skinny dip.

6b) Pose naked for a real life drawing class.

6c) Play a game of strip poker with friends.

(Come on, put something fun and a bit daring on the list.)

Six glasses

7) Dance like no one’s watching.

(Boring.)

7a) Dance like no one’s watching, with my best friend, on New Year’s Eve.

(Now that I can get behind. Crank up the music Vicky, I’m gonna show you some moves you’ve never seen and we’re getting down.)

(You’re a crazy bitch, but I love you!)

(Mwah! Love you back!)

Seven glasses

8a) Call my mother and tell her I love her.

(Your mother?)

(Yeah, I haven’t spoken to her in ages.)

(You saw her last week, at Christmas.)

(Yeah, I know. I miss her and I love her.)

8b) Tell Mikey Robbins that I love him.

(Mikey? From Primary school?)

(Yeah, I loved him soooo much. He had the coolest Pokémon cards, and I always got to trade with him.)

(You are such a geek! Do you even know where Mikey is?)

(No, I looked him up on Facebook, but he doesn’t have a profile.)

(Well, that’s lucky for him. You won’t be able to find him to tell him that you love him.)

8c) Tell Angelo that I love him.

(Angelo? Who’s Angelo?)

(He’s the butcher.)

(You love the butcher?)

(Yeah, he’s cute.)

(He’s sixty.)

(Older men can be cute.)

(He’s married.)

8d) Tell Mrs Angelo that I love her.

(You don’t love Mrs Angelo.)

(No, I’ve never met Mrs Angelo.)

8e) Tell Kelsey that I love her.

(Yeah, I know you love me. And I love you back.)

(You do?)

(Always. You are such a lovey dovey drunk.)

(Kiss me.)

(What?)

(You love me, I love you. Kiss me, then I can cross one thing off my list. Look here, 5b) kiss someone by Christmas.)

(Vicky it says that you need to kiss someone, not be kissed by someone.)

(Oh, OK.)

(What are you doing?)

(Kissing you… 🎵I kissed a girl, and I liked it🎵…)

(You’re crazy.)

(Didn’t you like it too?)

(You know what? Maybe I did.)

(Think we could cross 5a off too?)

(Maybe…)

Eight glasses

(Oh, my God… Never again!)

9a) Never drink again.