Ditch the Nits!

Submitted into Contest #170 in response to: Start your story with the line “I’ve got a plan”. ... view prompt

1 comment

Christian Contemporary Funny

"I've got a plan." Miss Aniston told herself. "Yes, a teaching plan." Miss Aniston had made it. It was her first week of teaching, and so far that morning, she had taught her lively teenage girls about Noah and the Ark. She had placed emphasis on God's message of salvation, redeeming the human race, and saving all the creatures of the globe.

Now, it was time she had scheduled for journal writing, nice and quiet. One student, Nicola, seemed to love writing. Her pen was literally flying across her journal pages. Miss Aniston was thrilled, teaching was her chosen profession. Finally, Nicola's pages appeared on her teacher's desk, so Miss Aniston placed on her glasses, and started reading. She was a firm advocate of literacy for all women, so hoped to encourage deep and meaningful engagement in pursuing this noble aim.

Miss Aniston read on, her eyes bulging a bit. What had Nicola written? Was it her stream of consciousness?

"Dear Noah,

Howdy from the convent. This is Nicola. I love quiet time, cool. As I write here today, it is pouring rain, like the past few days. The school ground is a lake, we are being warned about floods. Again. Some Spring. I wonder where sunlight has disappeared. The climate change experts are warning us also about a future global flood, a deluge. We just now read about yours in our Religion class.

Dear Noah,

I do believe that the time to resume ship building is now. It would make jobs for some young people, they could give you a hand in state of the art ship design. We would need to collect two of each animal, but that is quite doable, if the roads are not too flooded.

Dear Noah,

As I sit here in the convent writing, I do have a small niggle with the classic biblical story, so loved by us all. On your original Ark, you did make a couple of major bloopers. Firstly, you took two nits. Yes, Noah I am talking about head lice. For some reason, you took two head lice, a pair of nits. I am for inclusion and equity, and survival of each species. But you decided to include a boy nit, and a cute little girl nit, with a pink ribbon. Noah, Noah, Noah, after the deluge, God said, "Go forth and multiply!" Yes, that is what nits have done all these centuries.

Dear Noah,

As I sit here in the convent, I am feeling an urge to itch my scalp. At home right now, my three little brothers have nits. Our dog never stops itching. We think he has nits. My brothers' beds and doonas have nits. All their plush toys have nits. Even our carpet has nits. My mother has to get rid of the nits. I think she needs Valium. I don't suppose you took Valium on the Ark, bit hi-tech savvy. I do not want to tell anyone here in my classroom, they will make fun of me. What would you do, dear Noah? While you are building the modern Ark, please be a bit more selective about the critters you include.

Dear Noah,

While you are in a listening mood, I would like to ask you why you took mosquitoes, as well as the nits. Blooper, Noah, blooper. A boy mosquito, and a girl mosquito. You saved mosquitoes and nits! Mosquitoes go on giving, they give us humans malaria, dengue fever and encephalitis. ("Wow," thought Miss Aniston. "Nicola can spell encephalitis. My great teaching plan. This journaling is great. Such expression."

Nicola had kept writing.

Now these days, Dear Noah, if you insist on blood sucking, whining, itching insects on the new Ark, please take my advice. You can take a gender equity pair of females, and that will be that. No more baby nits and mosquitoes. The greater humanity has been trying to get rid of mosquitoes and nits ever since your epic voyage on the Ark.

Dear Noah,

You must realize your story is still a big hit all these thousands of years later. Little and big children all love listening to the Bible come alive. But Noah, Noah, we saved humanity are still wanting to know the answer to one important question. Why didn't you take the unicorns? We all love symbols of unicorns on our bags and shirts, especially for younger girls. You left behind the unicorns. Big mistake, taking nits and mosquitoes instead. I guess there is a reason for everything, one day will we will all understand your salvation choices, to save us all from the depths of the floods.

Dear Noah,

Still pouring rain here. We had to tell Miss Aniston that the ceiling was leaking. Now we have a rubbish bin under the leak. As if that was not bad enough, we have not as yet got a ship building industry. I have to battle the rain and get home to a house full of brothers with nits. I am going to start a new charity, Bring Back the Unicorns! I shall start collecting funds. Please donate generously, as you abandoned them so many years ago.

Dear Noah,

If this is the next global flood, this time, Ditch the Nits! Regards from Nicola in the convent. The End.

Miss Aniston wondered if she had really read all that with her spectacles. She was deciding if she should quietly ask Nicola if her mother had checked her head for nits too. This was all part of her teaching plan. Maybe she could send Nicola's mother some Valium, cool to be kind. Things at Nicola's home sounded tense. That could not be good for learning.

Just then, Miss Aniston sneezed and coughed. Some lively teens in her class yelled, "Covid. Oh no, teacher's got germs. Scatter!" Withing minutes, most of Miss Aniston's class had raced off to the school toilets, isolating, sort of.

Maybe Miss Aniston needed Valium now. She tried not to itch her scalp too. She gazed at her near empty classroom, as the roof leaked. Was this her true vocation? These girls were very creative. Maybe, but Teacher's College and lesson planning had never quite prepared her this real world. Good advice, overall. This flood, Noah is going to ditch the nits. As if.

October 28, 2022 23:25

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1 comment

01:52 Nov 16, 2022

I enjoy the idyllic tone and glorification of the plan at the beginning, with the slow process and changing to the realism at the end.


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