Shadow Work

Shadow Work

His smell is the only reason I’m still lying here. The warm musky scent of his skin is strangely comforting to me. He’s not a cologne kind of guy, on his best days he smells of soap and whatever he cooked that day. I close my eyes and just take it in, inhaling deeply exhaling slowly. I’m lying, his smell is not the only reason I’m still in bed with him. The real reason is that I’m weak. I’m afraid of the pain of losing him, even though I know he’s been lost to me for a while now. He snores slightly, not long drawn out roars like some men from my past but gentle soft wheezes, like a fat cat after a big meal. It’s cute in an ‘I love you so much everything you do is cute’ kind of way.

The minutes keep passing and I’m still here. The sun is threatening to wake up, not quite touching the horizon yet but making itself known, forcing me to make a decision I’m not ready to make. I’m so scared of pain, of loneliness, of not being wanted. What will he think if he wakes up and I’m gone? He doesn't even know how much he doesn't want me. He doesn't know that he despises me, he doesn't know that my very existence repels him. But he feels it, he just doesn't know why. He would probably be relieved that I wasn’t sleeping next to him, and that's what terrifies me most of all.

 I don't have to commit to leaving, I can just go for a walk. See how that feels? Maybe once I get some fresh air I’ll realise I’m overreacting and I can just walk back with coffees and bagels and maybe a cheeky croissant. Yes, I don’t have to be so dramatic about it. I always build things up in my mind, creating my own monsters. It’s time to get up!

He moans quietly as I crawl over him to get out of  bed but he doesn’t wake up. It’s disappointing, I wanted him to wake up and stop me. Next step: joggers and slides. I don’t move particularly quietly, I’m still hoping he will wake up and pull me back to bed. He doesn’t and I’m already at the front door, now outside. 

I don’t know what direction I’m heading, I’m just moving one foot in front of the other. It’s so early, the dew hasn’t yet dried on the grass squeezing through the cracks in the pavement. There are grey square boxes lining the streets, metal shutters pulled to the ground, a sterile British street built for purpose not joy, there is nothing to pull my attention away from myself. No one else is roaming the streets at this time and the silence is making my mind scream. All the mistakes I made are being broadcast behind my eyes, I can't look away. It’s so loud I can’t make sense of it all. Was my mistake telling him or wiping his memory afterwards?

All this fear and self and loathing over something so small, so insignificant, so stupid it's hardly worth mentioning. I’m just a low level Psychic, barely even a Witch. I don’t have the powers the other sisters do. Sporadic premonitions, level 1 mind control and erasure and sometimes I can predict the weather if I really concentrate. I’m a holiday Witch at best, I go to temples for major ceremonies of course but that's it.  So why did I tell him I’m one of them? I can’t answer that for you or for me. 

I did tell him though, 6 months into dating. I was almost sure he was the one. If not him then who? He was so kind, funny and warm. He had none of the cynicism of witches, none of the darkness that comes from really knowing humanity, of being able to read minds and see the very worst thoughts of everyone you encounter, everyones unedited, unfiltered opinions on you and the world. By being born human he was spared these realities of  life and allowed to live in whatever delusion he created for himself. He was so optimistic and happy, just happy,   something as simple and profound as being happy amazed me about him. So I told him, and saw the joy drain from his eyes replaced by disgust. He hated our kind, he thought I had manipulated him with my powers, even if I hadn't, how could he ever know that for sure. How could he ever trust me?

I couldn't answer him, I couldn't comfort or reassure him and I definitely couldn't lose him. So I betrayed him and wiped his memory. Words are easy to erase, feelings are harder. Like I said, I'm low level. My powers don’t stretch far enough to erase emotions. Even without magic people often forget the words you say but rarely forget how those words cut their hearts. He still feels disgusted by me, he just doesn’t know why. He doesn't trust me anymore but as far he's concerned there's no reason for it. The feelings linger and distress him. He loves me and despises me all at once.

My mind  is racing, revisiting the same memories, the same questions. Repeating them over and over again. I need to focus to calm down! What's that?I can hear a bird somewhere, I can't see them but the hym is travelling through the air. I can see the sky begin to take on a blue tinge. How long have I been walking? I need to breathe deep, to stop and slow my mind. But when I slow my mind I see the truth, that my real mistake wasn’t telling him, I know that was the right thing to do. My mistake was reacting out of fear and wiping his memory. I wanted to save myself, my own feelings, I wanted to be in control and decide our fate not him. I didn’t allow him to process the information, I didn't give him the time to work out what he wanted or what he felt. I acted selfishly. We all want control really, to feel like our choices and our choices alone dictate the outcomes in our life, but it's just not true.  The more I cling on and the more I try to control the situation the less control I have and the bigger mess I make. Magic or not it doesn't matter, we all have to accept what fate hands us gratefully and without complaint, anything else is futile. Our relationship was always going to end, it's just reaching its final conclusion more slowly, more painfully because of my intervention. Am I crying? I think I am.  

I can’t keep us in this cycle and I'm the only one who can end it. I can see in his face how much his feelings towards me upset him. I owe him an explanation. I can’t be a coward forever. I’m standing outside “The Bean Life'', our favourite coffee shop. I don’t know how I ended up here, maybe muscle memory? This is where we first met, the scene of our first date, our first fight (the less said the better) our first kiss. The shutters are down, the lights are off. It’s too early even for coffee and too late for me to save us. A familiar shock just ran down my back, a blinding white light is shooting across my mind, a premonition is coming! My first in months! The light dims in my mind and I see a living room and a baby and me! Watching carefully over the child who's playing on the ground. Someone calls my name, he walks in the room and it's him! It's him! He kisses me on the cheek and I crack back into the present. The sun has arrived, the shutters of the coffee shop are shaking,  jolting to life. The familiar smell of roasted beans reminds me that a new day has started.