Hero

           I'm two-and-a-half, but Daddy needs me. Wonder why Mommy can't help him, instead of me. Oh, well. I've gone through my training to help Daddy, it just seems silly. Things like open the doors for Daddy, open the fridge for Daddy. Knock on the door for Daddy. It seems like a human would be better suited for this job. My name is George and I'm a mini-horse. They stopped using dogs as service animals since they died too soon. Guide Daddy to door, open door, get Daddy's telephone and hand it to Daddy. Let Daddy know when I have to be walked. That'd be normal if I was a dog. How many horses do you know that get walked.

*

           See, what I want is to be a race horse. All those people staring at me in admiration, looking at their tickets and my number: number four, and then the shot goes off and the doors open (and I'm not the one opening them) and the skinny person on top of me uses the motivator to get me moving and I run around the track like an electric rabbit in a dog race. The crowd's cheering and I race around to a photo finish and I win. I've won. Everyone throws pink roses at me and my owner gets off my me with a smile, gives me a fresh carrot, and pets my mane.

*

Put the toilet seat down for Daddy. Fetch more toilet paper for Daddy. Here's the crap they sell at the pet store for horses. The same crap to eat day after day after day. Here's your crap. Eat and then Daddy needs me to take out the trash. Sometimes I think Daddy is exaggerating his disability and being lazy, but whatever. He gives me food, shelter, and free health care. Whatever. 

*

I'm in one of those horse holders attached to the back of my master's red pick truck. Everything's going well. There are a few bumps, but it's smooth. Then, I hear a boom and our trailers are flipping around in circles down the hill on the side of the road, but I'm able to unlatch my door and the other horses' doors. Then, I tell them we have to save our rider since we're a team. So, we race up the hill and we see the piles of metal and I rush into the window of the pick-up and I pull out my rider from the pick-up and gallop away from the crash. I hand the rider to a fellow horse like a football and go back to see if anyone else needs saving. I see the single driver in the driver's seat and he's wedged into his steering wheel. So, I ram the car and the wheel falls off and I tug out the man who's trapped. He's unresponsive. I pull him out and hand him to the second horse. Then, I see fire spreading through the cars and spreading up. I hear sirens and soon police, fire, and ambulance come. The fireman work on the fire while the EMTs take the other man away. Then, they ask my rider what happened and he tells them how I, his brave and loyal horse, saved him and the other driver. Soon, the cameras show up and my rider's telling the reporters what I great and brave horse I am and the camera's are going off everywhere.

*

           Fetch his toothbrush. How am I supposed to fit his tiny toothbrush in big mouth? Whatever. I get his toothbrush and almost swallow it. It gags me. I wish this man got a dog or a monkey, or something or someone other then me. Whatever. We walk outside and I go and he tells me I'm a good dog. And I think, I'm not a dog, you idiot. But, I've marked my territory and I see other humans walking their dogs.  Daddy stops and talks to one of them and their dog sniffs my behind and tries to mount me. I'm a horse, not a dog. I try to pull my master back inside, but he's still talking to this lady. Great.

*

           We make it back with a rental pick-up truck (after calling AAA). Then, we're put in a stable with hay, a water tube, good, fresh food on the ground, and we go potty any time we want, anywhere we want since we're not dogs. Kids take lessons on how to ride us and love it. Then, we're allowed to sleep outside in a covered barn instead of being cuddled by Daddy. We're allowed to mate and encouraged to. I have ponies with my girlfriend and the rider trains them to run. I see them running free in the grass and I'm proud. Someday they will make great racing horses”.

*

           “Oh, yeah. Get me the phone.” So, I get him the phone. He asks it the number for a local vet. Why? I'm fine. I'm eating, I'm shitting, I'm doing everything he's asking. What the hell does he need a vet for? Then, I hear: “I want to make an appointment to get my dog fixed”. What the hell?  I'm a horse, you idiot, and I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed. 

*

           My owner named me something to show my nobility. He called me Championizer instead of Dog. Dog doesn't make since, since I'm a mini-horse, not a dog. I see my rider every morning and he puts me saddle on and mounts me. He steers me with my reins and there's no fucking leash, since I'm a horse. And no more dog beds. 

*

           Daddy takes me to a dog park and there are dogs running around trying to mount each other. I try to jump the fence, but the leash my master is holding stops me. I don't want to be around dogs and this isn't a stable. I try neighing to see if that'll convince him, but it doesn't. Then, my master starts talking to some of the other idiots at the dog park. One of them asks my master: “What kind of dog is that? I've never seen that breed?” I neigh, loud, but my master says, “This is my service dog. She's a chihuahua”. I look at him blank-eyed and neigh again. Doesn't make sense. I'm a horse. A horse. But if he thinks I'm a chihuahua, then what's he been feeding me? A horse. After two hours of this bullshit, we go back to Daddy's house. We get out of his small car and walk toward his house and I go potty. He says, “Good, girl, Doggy” and pets me. I neigh. He turns on the TV and it's on Nick at Night and I hear the song: “A horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course. That is of course unless the horse is the famous, Mr. Ed.  Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you endorse. He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.” I neigh again and my master says, “Shut up, Doggy and fetch me my blanket.