Mastering the New Year's Resolutions

Today is the last day of the old year. I got up early and made a larger cup of coffee. I opened my journal and took out a pink pen. My intention is to write the New Year's resolutions. If for nothing else, so that at the end of next year, I can see all the things I haven't managed to accomplish. And all that, if I endure yet another year, which, by the way, has an additional day than the one passing.

1.Survive Another Year of Awkward Family Gatherings: Smile through the cringe-worthy moments, nod, and pretend you've got it all together. 

Ever since Jack and I broke up, family gatherings have become even more challenging. At my mom's birthday celebration, Lucy, the aunt fueled by alcohol, approached and asked me:

"Sweetheart, how many more years until you hit 40? I thought we'd be at your wedding this year. Terrible, how did it happen with Jack?"

"Nothing happened with Jack. He cheated on me, Aunt Lucy. A cliché. With his secretary. But my mom probably told you the details. I don't want to repeat."

"Oh, dear. So awkward. I really liked him," she mumbled, pouring herself more alcohol.

No clue why my parents still celebrate holidays after their divorce. It was okay when Dad was single. But ever since he married Ruby, whom he encountered at a pizza place and who is twenty years his junior, every celebration has turned into a tragicomedy. Mom made an effort to undergo various treatments before significant events, and once she wore a sparkly dress, two sizes too small, and very high heels That ended in the ER with a sprained ankle. Recovering for three months didn't make her any wiser. That's why I watch with apprehension every outfit she chooses.

I don't even have to mention Uncle Paul - he gets drunk every time and tells embarrassing jokes. Once, he walked through a glass door. It wasn't that bad, considering the party immediately came to an end.

So, the goal is to get through it all while appearing calm.

2.Lose Weight (again): Consider embracing the gym life, or at least find workout clothes that look convincing.

Last month, Susan persuaded me to start going to the gym and eat healthier. I stuck with it the whole week. Then, over the weekend, I felt terrible muscle pain, and it kept me in bed. Seeing pictures on Instagram of Jack and Lara on their honeymoon also didn't help. Luckily, I had a chocolate bar in the kitchen that I couldn't resist despite my determination to lead a healthy life.

So, the goal is to at least dress like a seasoned gym-goer; maybe that enthusiasm will last longer this time.

3.Master the Art of Small Talk: Make it through social events without seeming strange.

At social events surrounded by strangers or acquaintances, I often find myself enjoying solitude in a corner, avoiding making eye contact with anyone in need of company for conversation. But, as a rule, I seem to be a magnet for such individuals. At the last party organized by my company, I noticed Maggy from Accounting scanning the room for a target. I buried my nose in my cocktail, pretending to be engrossed in the still-life painting on the wall. But even that didn't help. She approached me, and I heard her squeaky voice from behind.

"Lovely evening, isn't it?"

I turned around and nodded.

"Look!" she said, gesturing towards the entrance.

"Eva is fashionably late again. She's so confident she'll be noticed. It's her well-rehearsed tactic."

"I didn't notice," I replied, taking a sip of my cocktail.

"Yeah, and then she'll sneak out with Rob from HR," she added confidently.

I looked at her questioningly, and she took it as an invitation to continue the story.

"They've been dating for a year now."

"I had no idea, but that's nice," I said.

"Yes, except he's married, and this year he got twins," she added significantly.

I continued to engage in the small talk saga with Maggy, feeling like an unwitting participant in an office drama.

"So, how do you manage to stay so well-informed about everyone's personal lives?" I asked, genuinely curious.

Maggy leaned in conspiratorially as if sharing classified information. 

"Oh, my dear, it's all about observing the subtle cues, reading between the lines of office dynamics. A talent one hones after years of watercooler encounters."

I couldn't help but chuckle at her dramatic explanation. "Well, you certainly have a unique skill set. Perhaps you should consider a career in espionage."

It seemed like she got a bit offended, as she left shortly after. If nothing else, at least I enjoyed my cocktail in peace.

Yes, I definitely need to work on my small talk skills. Although, I'm not sure if I truly want to.

4.Become a Culinary Goddess (or at Least Learn to Cook Something Besides Instant Noodles): Attempt a recipe that involves more than just a microwave.

At the beginning of my relationship with Jack, I wanted to surprise him with dinner. Need I say it ends in disaster with a charred chicken filet and the smoke alarm going off? We ended up with ordered Chinese food delivered and spectacle in bed, but I wouldn't remember that now.

This year, I want to go beyond just eating instant noodles. I plan to try real cooking, learning to make a dish that needs more than just pressing buttons on a microwave.

5.Upgrade My Social Media Game: Learn how to use filters that make it look like I have my life together without accidentally posting embarrassing selfies.

I need to stop posting selfies from nights out after having a drink, where I look like I ran a marathon instead of just dancing. Once, I posted a picture with a pimple that I thought I had hidden with a filter, but it was there, sticking out like a mountain on my forehead for a whole two days until I deleted it.

I'm taking matters into my own hands and entering the world of filters with the goal of transforming my online look. I plan to be a master at hiding the mess while still smiling in front of the screen and not revealing anything too personal. Selfie fun won't stop, but now it will be all under control.

So, goodbye to red eyes and funny facial expressions. Hello, filtered perfection!

6.Become a Time Management Pro: Stop procrastinating, or at least get better at it without stressing out too much.

Firmly resolved to start everything on Mondays or the first day of the month, whenever that day came, I would always postpone it to the next week or month. And I would always find a convincing reason for it: today I don't feel well, I'm going to the movies with Susan, Jack annoyed me, Jack left me. The list goes on.

My psychiatrist says it's crucial to confront these common excuses and understand that they are just obstacles I've set for myself. No more waiting for the perfect moment – it's time to take control of my time and become a pro at managing my tasks.

So now I'm setting a deadline for myself to start from January 1st, but without pressure. It can always be postponed a little more. Because it's important to be stress-free.

7.Solve the Mystery of the Single Sock: Resolve the eternal mystery of where all the missing socks disappear in the laundry, or at least throw away the bag full of mismatched socks.

Every time I wash clothes, it seems like a sock decides to hide or disappear. The ones left, all mismatched, I keep in a bag with a slim hope of ever finding their match. I have this theory that they all go to some strange land of mismatched socks.

Picture this: I put a pair of socks into the washing machine, happily close it, and when I open it, one sock seems to have taken a little vacation. The remaining one goes into the bag of lost socks, and I wonder:

"Where have all these socks gone? Are they now in some cheerful world where they freely roam without their match?"

Sometimes, I wonder if there's a secret place where all the lost sock pairs gather. Maybe they've created their own sock community, where socks of different colors, patterns, and sizes live together, free from the obligation to be pairs. Imagine that joyful sock party!

Either way, my bag of unmatched socks keeps getting fuller, and the mysterious land of lost socks remains unsolved. Maybe this year, I'll discover the secret passage to that place, but until then, let the unmatched socks enjoy their adventures. 

8.Embrace a New Hobby (That Doesn't Involve Embarrassing Dance Moves): Consider painting, hiking, or something equally sophisticated.

Susan says I've become a homebody and need to engage in new activities. So, I signed up for a sewing class, only to realize I'm an anti-talent. The only one the teacher suggested to reconsidering her choice after a few classes, advising to explore something else. I felt like a student trying but still getting kicked out of school.

After the sewing fiasco, I decided to test my talents on my own before enrolling in another class. First, I thought about painting. I bought all the necessary colors, canvas, brushes... and realized my fingers had their own artistic plan. In the end, the canvas looked like an abstract masterpiece, although I'm not entirely sure I created it.

Then, I thought about hiking. I mean, it sounds like a great idea, but then I remembered I'm not really friends with high places and steep slopes. My attempt to climb a hill near the park ended with me kneeling and petting the ground, swearing that I'll enjoy lower altitudes from now on.

Susan laughed at my hobby attempts, and I realized I might be just meant to enjoy others' artistic works and mountains from the comfort of my couch. Who knows, maybe I'll find my ideal hobby in binge-watching series.

9.Unfollowing Jack on Social Media: Stop following Jack or at least resist the urge to spy on him through his posts.

He's living his life with the secretary turned wife (yes, he wasted no time on that front), and I, like a magnet, feel drawn to be a part of his life by scrolling through his posts and stories until the wee hours.

We had a turbulent breakup, but he hasn't blocked me anywhere because I stopped reaching out and didn't bother him. Perhaps he enjoys knowing that I bear witness to his successful life in that way.

I sometimes feel like a pitiful soul, so I quit that habit, only to relapse after a few days and catch up on what I missed. Now, I'm firmly determined to put an end to it. Today, I'm setting boundaries.

The first thing I'll do is unfollow him. Then, I'll block him. If that's not enough, I'll deactivate my account for a month. But to truly secure my peace of mind, I'm contemplating buying a safe and locking my cell phone inside for 24 hours. Just until I get used to life without the virtual presence of Jack and his wife.

10.Find True Love: Or at least avoid another awkward dating app encounter.

I jumped into online dating, following Susan's advice, and made a profile on Tinder. What a mistake! It felt like tossing a piece of meat into a pool of hungry fish.

First, there were the "Hey, what's up?" guys. How do I tell them I'm usually responding with, "Not much, just trying to avoid awkward talks on this dating app?"

Sometimes, I'd just say, "Building a house of cards and seeing how long it lasts."

Then came those quoting deep stuff, probably enough to give Freud a headache. Nice try, but no thanks.

After that, conversations quickly moved from "How are you?" to "What's your take on aliens?" in just two minutes. Is this a new way of quick sorting, or are people genuinely this curious?

Don't get me started on those using fake photos or hiding behind dog or landscape pictures. Do I need to mention I ended up with another episode of The Handmaid's Tale?

So, instead of finding true love, I've learned how to talk to all sorts of weirdos. Either way, I can confidently say I'm stepping back into the real world before Tinder sucks me in again.

May this list of resolutions serve as a roadmap for the coming year, guiding me through the labyrinth of challenges and triumphs that await. Happy New Year, everyone! Cheers!