White Walls

March 1, 2020 

Dear mother,

This asylum isn't getting any smaller. There is this new

pandemic. They are calling it carava, or was it corine? Anyway, they are saying it's deadly, but these are just people talking. Everyone is still crazy here, and the room feels so empty. The blank depressed white walls get smaller each day. They are poorly painted, and I have to stare at them all day. It has been a living hell. I am on new medications too. Remember when I told you about the bright pink pills that were the size of a pea, well the doctors changed those.

My new medication is a bright orange pill and when I found out I started doing a happy dance. I love orange! I wish you could visit me again. I heard they might transfer everyone in a new building. I hope they do, oh god I really hope they do. The lady that must check on me every few minutes looks like she might stab me in seconds. I hear footsteps! I’ll talk to you later mother, I love you. 

March 2, 2020

Dear mother, 

I could barely go to sleep last night. It was dark and cramped. I begged the security to let me out and I started strangling one of them. Remember the man I told you about? The one with bright orange hair, dazzling green eyes, white shiny teeth, and his amazing muscles. He came after I hurt the security guard. I felt so embarrassed! Mother I promise I didn’t mean to hurt the security guard; I can almost imagine your face if you were here and I told you. You would be so upset, and I would beg for your forgiveness and then we would go get frozen yogurt. I miss you mom, a lot. Excuse my tears. I should probably change the topic, or you’ll be crying with me! Back to the ginger, he came inside and started talking with me. He told me my cheeks turned pink and I was so close to killing myself. He is sort of a nerd and he is doing the job so he can get money for college. I think he is going to Harvard. I told him about you mother, and he told me how he lost his mother too. I think I might marry him! After he left, I was furious. I started kicking my bed and throwing things. Eventually, I calmed down after one of the guards gave me a I will murder you look. Today, there was more news about that new virus. Now, the whole building is going to shut down for two weeks and I’m so angry! I really want to talk to Cara, my friend. Me and her were going to burn this place down with matches that we were going to steal. Yes, I know that is horrible, but I want to see you mother. I want you to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. I’ll talk to you later. I must take my medications now. I love you. 

April 24, 2020 

Dear Mother, 

It has been so long! For the last month or so they put us in strict rules. I can’t ever leave this room in a long time. The walls feel tighter, the bed is squeaky, and my head is in severe pain. I have been writing messages to Cara and making the security guard (the one that hates me) deliver it to her. I told him I will never bother him again. I am a bit jealous of her though. She also has Mr. Ginger taking care of her which makes me furious! I tried calming myself down, but I couldn’t. I wanted to slap the living hell out of her. I took it out on the hard metal door which caused my head to bleed. Mr. Ginger helped take care of the bloody mess and I hated he had to see me like this. He tried talking to me about it, but I accidentally asked him about Cara. He laughed it off and said that she’s nice. NICE? Is that supposed to be another word for something worse! I have this sudden urge to go outside and to

smell the nice air. I could feel myself again and not have to worry about tomorrow. I feel depressed thinking about when I can go outside and roam freely. Anyway, we must take shots tomorrow. I am so scared. It will remind me of father and his weird obsession of inserting shots with sleeping drugs to calm me down. Please save me mother. I love you. 

May 29, 2020 

Dear Mother, 

Again, it has been more than a month since I last spoke to you. They postponed my shot to next week since I started hurting myself till they changed the date. I was crying and shaking when I saw a long needle that brought me back to the haunted memories. They were all wearing blue face masks covering their mouths and noses like doctors. I wanted to wear one too, but they didn’t let me. One lady said, “We might have to actually put one on you so you can shut your loud fussy mouth.” I was about to hit her, until Mr. Ginger stopped me. She started flirting with him after, which ticked me off, but I didn’t want to show my jealousy like last time. I still refused the shot, until they put this clear plastic mask thing that made me fall asleep! I don’t remember taking the shot, so I like to believe I never took it. I wrote to Cara that next day and she kept talking about Mr. Ginger in the whole letter! Mother can you tell me if him and Cara have a relationship going! I hate waiting to

know. Enough about jealousy and boys, I heard the new pandemic has killed so many people! It almost feels like we are in an apocalypse. I hope you don’t get carava. I believe it is called carava, but I have heard it to be called thousands of other named. It’s been a few months that feel like years, and I haven’t been able to do anything outside this dreadful room. I love you. 

July 4, 2020 

Dear Mother, 

I am in so much pain and tears. It is fireworks day and I did nothing. I couldn’t help but think about what we used to do every year on this day. The fireworks would pop in the sky and beautiful colors would burst out and we would be laughing, smiling, and having a great time. The smell of the barbecue would full up our noses and cause us to run over to Uncle George to eat the sloppy cheap hotdogs he made. Today was different, today was the worst

day of my life. Mr. Ginger or should I say Mr. Douchebag was making out with Cara, that bit- sorry I meant, that stupid girl! At first, I heard distant moaning sounds and then I looked through the tiny opening of the huge metal door to see Mr. Douchebag and Cara making out. I couldn’t believe it. I got burned up and grabbed the plastic knife that came with the awful soggy cafeteria food meal and threw it at them. Guess what happened! They didn’t care. Oh god today was awful, and I am praying they both get that stupid virus so they can stupid die! Oh, mom what do I do. My only friend, my best friend took the love of my life away. I knew he would never choose me. I am that crazy psychopathic bald girl that would hurt herself for attention. The only thing I sort of enjoyed was hearing the fireworks outside while closing my eyes to imagine the bursts of colors that would come out. Blue, white, purple, orange,

pink, yellow, and so many other colors! Goodnight, I love you. 

September 16, 2020 

Dear Mother, 

It is now Fall and there are more deaths than ever in the whole

world. I think the world is going to end, and I bet $20 on that with the security guard that absolutely loathes me. Everyday consists of the same thing now. I wake up, take my morning medications, walk around the small white room, annoy the security guard, hurt myself, and hear the distant laughter and kisses of my lover and ex friend. She is so dead once this whole pandemic ends. I have been

having panic attacks at night causing me to be all sweaty. I’m scared. Everything turns black and I have flashbacks of father yelling, hitting, and throwing me. They are trying to see what is wrong with me, but the old doctor that used to help here (probably the only adult that likes me) has corona. I have been calling it Carava for the past few months, but it is Corona. Want to know something exciting, mother! I am getting a new caretaker, instead of Mr. Douchebag. Please mother bring me a nice amazing person that I can talk to for ages and not feel alone. I am begging you to. I am getting sore lately and I believe it is because of another new medication I must take every week. It is strong and to be said the best of the best. I am not sure what is called, but it hurts. My throat feels dry, my stomach screams pain, and my migraines feel like someone stabbed my head with a knife. The pills are long cylinders that are blue on one side and yellow on the other. I am so tired mother. I love you. 

December 25, 2020 

Dear Mother, 

It is Christmas. A Christmas without you. I spent the whole day

closing my eyes imaging the days we used to wake up early with the whole family and open presents. I was normal. We would wake up around 5 am and I would see my cousins (of course Amy being my favorite), aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa, and so many other people we barely knew. We would all eat breakfast together and discuss different things. The kids would discuss their presents, the teenagers would talk about who they kissed under the mistletoe at that big Christmas party, and the adults would talk about the insane amount of money they spent on Christmas presents. I felt an overwhelm of joy and happiness that I haven’t felt in ages. The security guard that loathes me got me something and Mr. Douchebag got me something. The security guard got me a new notebook and a pen with hello kitty on it. He treats me like a five-year-old, but I still enjoyed the fact someone got me a present. Mr. Douchebag got me an orange bracelet with my name on it, Persephone. My name was too long so it was just my initials, P.A. I

threw it away. I was angry and furious and while he gave me the bracelet, he asked why I haven’t been answering Cara’s letters. I slapped him. Oh god I was furious. I was one second away from kicking that douchebag in the balls till my new caretaker came and he pushed me away from him. My new caretaker is gorgeous. He has those hazel eyes that have specks of green and orange in them.

His chestnut hair is always slicked back. His body screamed the words, “gym five days a week”. We didn’t usually talk, and he always tried to make sure I was okay. I didn’t really know what to think about him since I was still mad about Mr. Douchebag, but I sort of got over him. Yeah, I should stop talking about that doofus. I have had nightmares every night ever since the panic attacks started. My body is starting to get so thin and breathing is a big

problem. I haven’t been out of this grisly room in ages and we might have to start wearing those blue doctor face masks. One day, I will get out of here and see you once more mother. Merry Christmas and I love you. 

March 1, 2021 

Dear mother, 

This might be my last entry before I meet you. The whole building has been affected by this awful virus and I have it. Mother I am going to see you! I am so scared; my whole body is shaking wildly. I could barely breathe and write this entry. My taste and smell are gone, blurriness is filling my eyes, and the mixture of this deadly virus with my sickness is horrible. I guess dying at the age of seventeen isn’t so bad as they say. It took a lot of convincing for hazel eyes to bring me this notepad and my pencil so I can write in here. Turns out he had a girlfriend this whole time I have been gushing over him! Cara is pregnant too and I had to see her before I went, but I wasn’t allowed to hold her. One whole year in an awful white room and disgusting cafeteria food and I end up dying. Great. I am so excited mom, I really am. I will see you soon, my hands are sore. I lov-