What's the Problem?

I don't know how long I had stood there just staring at my body. My eyes found every bump and every stretch mark. What is my problem? I pinched the fat around my belly and the butterflies started doing backflips. I should not be this nervous. Why does it matter what they think? My husband loves my body... Or so he says? I slam my hands on the counter, I have to stop this self destructive thinking. Nobody will ever want you with a body like that! Thunder thighs, thunder thighs, thunder thighs! I can't seem to get my thoughts to slow down. I pull open the medicine cabinet and grab my anxiety medication. Hoping they will help stop the racing thoughts. I take the pills with a sip of my water. I head back into my bedroom, I see the dress lying on the bed. I am excited to wear it tonight, I will definitely be the center of attention in it. I found some cute underthings and my body suit that is supposed to help hide body fat. I frowned when everything was in place. It's slightly uncomfortable and tight. This is the first time I have ever owned one, I just bought it a day or two ago. I already did not like how uncomfortable I was. I sit at my vanity to start my look for the evening. I don't really get pimples so I guess I am lucky in that aspect. Nor am I someone who will get a second glance from a stranger. I touch up my eyebrows with my tweezers. My eyes found the scar just above my right eyebrow and I gently traced it with my finger. I don't remember exactly what happened but I remember how it happened. I had decided I had enough of the bullying and the tears. I don't remember exactly what I said to her to try get her to stop bullying me. I definitely remember her standing on my desk with a chair and hitting me in the head. I remember getting lectured from my mother at the hospital about getting into fights at school. I got four stitches and learned a lesson to just not speak to them at all. So for the rest of my high school life, I just let them say whatever they wanted to me. I would not show them that their words affected me in any way. I would cry before and after school, just to be sure they didn't see. I shake my head at all my memories coming back of how miserable I actually was in high school. I really need to just leave the past behind me. We were all just dumb teenagers, right? I take a look at my finished makeup, I didn't apply too much just enough to make me glow. I wanted to be noticed. I want them to take one look at me and regret all the things they have done to me. I want to show them that they didn't affect me in the slightest. I hear my phone buzz on my night stand, it's probably just my husband texting me. I wish he could have came but his plans did not allow it. If they could just see us walk in together, I am sure their jaws would fall. I am sure I can wow them enough at this point though. I put my hair into a high pony with side bangs to cover the scar. I curl the ends. I do love my black hair. It was harder to take care of as a teenager but now it is healthy and long. You don't know the struggles of a black woman's hair until you live with it on a day to day basis. I remember being jealous of the girl's hair back then. How they could just wear it down whenever they wanted, with what seemed to be little to no effort. I would of had to gotten up maybe two hours early just to have nice hair but I liked sleeping way too much. So usually I wore it in a tight bun. Looking nice was not a priority for me in high school. My family was pretty poor so I couldn't even if I wanted to. I went to a public school but with some wealthy individuals. So it always seemed to be a beauty pageant there. That's why I bought the dress I did, to show them that I too can be beautiful. It was time to put the dress on. I stepped into it, impatiently waiting to see it on me. I zipped the back using the hanger. The black and purple set beautifully against my mocha brown skin. This will show them for sure. They made me so insecure in in high school that it affected my early adulthood. I had to teach myself to love my body, my skin and my hair. That being different is perfectly fine. Nobody should get teased for being different. I just want to rub in their faces how successful I am and how beautiful I am. I need them to see. I need them to understand that I am only just human. I slip on my wedges and did a couple spritz of my favorite perfume. I look in the mirror and nod in approval. This will show them. This will make them feel sorry for themselves. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces. I check my clutch for my license, credit card and invite. I grab my phone and now I am ready to go. I head towards my car and begin making my way to the grand hotel downtown. I think about how in gym class I was forced to change in the bathroom stall. Hiding in the bathroom for hours just because I didn't feel comfortable to go to class. Crying because I wasn't as perfect as them. All the memories swirling through my head, making me hot headed. I pull into the parking lot and climb out of my car. I did a quick adjust of the dress and start to head towards the school. The body suit was making it hard for me to enjoy this moment but I will have to push past the pain. I have overcome worse I remind myself. I stop before I reach the doors and take a deep breath. What is the problem? What am I doing? I am not even going to this event to meet old friends. I am going to this event to show my bullies that they don't matter to me. By doing that though, I am showing myself that they do matter. I stood there for a few minutes debating this. That is when I decide that this wasn't where I wanted to be tonight. I head back to my car and sit behind the wheel. I let out a big sigh and it felt like a mountain was lifted off my shoulders. I love my body. I love my skin color. I have worked so hard to be where I am now mentally and physically. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect but that is who I am. I can't believe years of self worth was unraveled in just a few hours. I smile at myself and reach for my cell phone. There was a text from my loving husband. 'Hey you. Just checking in. You are the most beautiful woman ever and I am so happy I married you. I love you and I miss you. See you at home.'