Boys Full of Feelings

I wish I could tell him I'm coming back. I get so so sad when I picture his scruffy face peeking out the window. 

What would happen to him if I got kidnapped? Who would feed him Mini Wheats if the bus crashed and I died and never ever came home? How would Ma tell him the news? She said dogs don’t speak English but I know they do. 

Thinking about Jasper looking, looking, looking out waiting for me all day wagging his half a tail makes inside my nose squeeze tight. 

My mom said it's anxiety but I don’t like how that word feels in my mouth. Anxiety. 

An-xi-e-ty. 

When I get it I feel strings pulling around my throat and my ears getting hot and tears pricking the back of my eyeballs but big boys don't cry.

I don't want to be big. How can I get all the sad out if I can't cry? The worry dragons and huge feelings push inside my chest and need to come out some how. 

Ma said I spend too much time thinking and that I should go outside and find something to do. I don’t know what she expects me to do, play outside in puddles? Even in all this rain, she’s crazy! Ma said it’s not normal to hate outside but I do. Mud, mud, mud. I hate how the world smells when it is raining like pennies and soap mixed together. Rain gets me thinking.  

Speaking of thinking, my best friend Darryl is moving away next week. Every time I think about it the back of my eyes get hot and I feel tears pushing up from the bottom of my throat.

Who’s gonna walk with me past the mean kids at the bus stop after school? 

It’s legit the worst place on the whole walk home. 

Darryl helps me pretend to be cool cause I can't pull that off by myself. I'm not quick with my words like him, the more upset I get the more things get all jumbled up. He just thinks of things on the spot and maybe he’s a genius. 

Like last week when Ethan said I was a faggot. I could hear my heart beating between my ears and my mouth got dry, super dry. I tried swallowing but it kept getting stuck and my eyes started stinging so I looked up at the sun and wiped them with the back of my hand. So I could pretend the brightness made my eyes water. What's the difference between eyes watering and crying? 

Faggots cry over everything.

What if I cried for real and they saw me? What if they shoved me out in front of the bus and it rolled me over but I didn’t die right away and they laughed? How long does it take to bleed to death?

Anxiety. 

I was just minding my own business. Trying to stay on the very edge of the sidewalk and not look at them when I went past.  

Ethan kept going louder and louder. Loud mouth bad breath Ethan.

Faggot maggot bo baggot. You like to touch dicks with your boyfriend in the bathroom you freak.

Freak.

Stay away from me you homo. 

That was Caleb and Jamal. Jamal just repeats everything Caleb says and Ethan is basically the boss of them all.   

Elliot sucks dicksssssssss. Elliot sucks all the dickssssss. Elliot sucks his own dick.

Elliot’s a pussy.

That's when Darryl appeared out of nowhere, dragging his guitar case behind him like a club. 

Caleb got brave. "Hey Darryl, your boyfriend is over here crying like a little girl."

Darryl looked right into him. "What'd you call him?"

"Your boyfriend"

"My who? My boyfriend? Sure, Elliot can be my boyfriend but only after we both get done banging your mom."

Caleb's eyes went dark.

Caleb's mom isn't the hottest mom in the school, maybe a 5 out of 10. She’s a real hairy lady and doesn’t dress that nice. I don’t know if she washes her clothes a lot. Definitely not a MILF. I would feel bad making a joke about her but Darryl is Darryl. He knows way more about this kind of stuff so I just went with it.

"Elliot - these little pricks picking on you?”

I was too scared to say anything so I just looked at him and he knew. We have a secret language like that, with our eyes. It’s nothing lovey or anything but we’ve been doing that forever. For real.  

I was breathing faster and felt like I was gonna pee myself. Watching Darryl was like seeing a superhero swooping down with a cape. He’s got the same triangle shaped body, big shoulders and all that. Meanwhile, I could do a million pushups and still have a body like a giraffe.    

He walked up to Caleb til Caleb's nose was in his chest. I always forget how tall Darryl is til I see him next to someone else. He bent down so they were eye to eye and got so close to his face I could’ve sworn they were gonna kiss. Funny feeling. 

I couldn't make out every word but I knew whatever he said made Caleb go pale as a sun bleached pigeon. He kept swallowing over and over and I could see him squeezing one hand into a fist. 

Squeeze. Unsqueeze. Squeeze. 

Darryl's lips were like an inch away from Caleb's. He’s already got a mustache coming in and that made it look even closer so maybe it was less than an inch. 

Felt the bass in his voice down in my legs somewhere and I’m not sure why that happens but it does. 

Caleb flinched and nodded his head up and down fast fast like a bobblehead.

Just know, nobody would ever call Darryl a faggot. 

I got closer to see if I could hear what he was saying.

“.... and then kiss his feet.” 

Wait, what?

I heard it loud and clear the second time.

“Tell El you are sorry and get your punk ass over there and kiss his feet.”

Only thing running through my mind at that point was my feet stink. I didn’t want to take let these guys see the holes in the sock-toes or smell that weird popcorn smell. Two more things to tease me about. 

Caleb might be a bully but he’s no match for Darryl and he just got down on the ground like a dog. It was crazy! His knees scraped on the gravel as he crawled toward me and I could tell it hurt since he had on shorts. 

I was frozen, body going hot and cold and prickly in my arms. Felt my heart beating faster and faster. Sweat suddenly poured out from under my arms and down my sides and the sun felt hotter. 

He can’t possibly be.

But he is. And he did.  

Before I could even think about what I was doing I used the toe of my left shoe to pull off the other one. Did a flamingo leg to pull off the sock, and I couldn’t even look in Caleb’s eye as he stooped down to kiss my sweaty, jammy foot. 

He was doing it. 

His top lip was wrinkling up. He gagged a bit and I couldn’t watch so I looked away, right into Darryl’s face. 

Darryl was stooping right down next to him smiling like he’d just won the lottery. He never needed braces like me, he’s just got toothpaste commercial teeth. Imagine the teeth a game show guy would have. Like that.  

Couldn’t tell you what I was feeling when Caleb’s crusty lips touched the hair on top of my toes except it tickled a little bit. Didn’t notice til afterward that a crowd of people gathered around.  

A couple of them look straight up shocked, that Darryl had the balls to make Caleb do it. 

I couldn’t believe Caleb was scared enough to obey.   

His lips puckered and gave the tops of my toes a quick peck. Then two more pecks. Peck-peck. 

Sweat dripped off his forehead onto my foot and nobody said a word.   

Just now, a boom-clap-boom of thunder woke me up, and I remembered my best friend Darryl is moving away and it made me so sad. 

Ma was right about the anxiety. And the dreams. I spent too much time in the same spot on the carpet watching rain water leak slow mildew trails under the window daydreaming about the same stuff.  

I decided to head outside into the rain, no umbrella. Ma would kill me if I broke hers and it’s the only one in the house. She’d rather me get wet than break her umbrella, trust me.  

As I turned the handle Jasper picked his litle head up and looked at me, confused. He does this thing where he tilts his head back and forth a few times and it’s my favorite. He doesn’t do rain either. 

I wonder what would happen if we had to move and I couldn’t take Jasper with me? What if he ran after one of the alley cats again and got hit by a delivery truck? What if he died and I wasn’t home and Ma just threw him in the dumpster? 

Anxiety. 

I patted him on the head and told him I was coming right back then went outside to cry just as I felt like my chest was going to bust open.

Would Jasper be ok if I never came back? Would Ma feed him potato chips on Thursdays like me? 

What if I died and never told Ma I was sorry for all the times I talked back? What if Ma died and I got sent to foster care and had to give up Jasper? What if everyone in the world ran out of dog food? 

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.  

I figure big boys can cry when it’s raining cause no one can see so it doesn’t count. 

And that’s what I went outside and did.