Bunny

It stared at me with boundless eyes. Every day it stared. I sat in my room; cold stone sheets tucked around me as I watched it with only a jagged dagger of light from the window illuminating the creature. It stared. And all I could do was stare right back. Like an abyss, I had fallen into when the creature had arrived. It was dark and dusty. Knots of hair clumped around its body wringing in even more dust. The thing before me had no exact shape sometimes round and sometimes moving. It stared at me mocking me. Mocking my courage, mocking my existence, and mocking my will.

Every weekend I sat in my room shrouded in shadows, trembling from the tears in my body. And every weekend it just sat in its ugliness and stared. During the weekday, to go to school I had to clamber out of my sheets bound to the floor. School was the only moments I had to myself away from the creature, but the feeling it soaked into my heart carried with me through the hallways just the same like it was behind me still carving holes on my back. I wanted to be free. I wanted to rid myself of this disaster, but it clung to me like a child. I soon began to realize that I had grown familiar with it and its stares. That if I did not have this musty creature then I would no longer have any sense of familiarity in my life. Everything would have changed. Everything meant nothing when I had it still tucked away for me.

Today was a cold weekday. Today was Thursday, and tonight was red. Tonight I heard screaming and cursing. Not the screaming you can get used to, but the kind that wraps around you like a hand to the throat. The type of screaming that has no love. Only hurt. I wanted to escape. I wanted it to end. I wanted my familiarity. As I slung my light school bag over my shoulder, I felt heavier as I walked away from the living room and upstairs to my room. The screaming never stopped when the night was red. I could only hope that my creature could turn red into grey. Once again, I fell into the pit as it stared at me. It mocked me again, but this mocking was what I was used to. Of course, it never spoke of things that were not true. It knew what I felt. It knew I was alone, unlovable, and afraid. My dusty creature beckoned to me as if wanting to embrace me. I reached frozen fingertips towards its dirty body. My sheets were not on the floor with me today. I wanted to feel something even if it was cold. I wrapped a finger through its hairy parts making a smile curl onto my face. It had managed to survive with me after two years even if I could barely take care of it. My creature was everything that I had. My world turned to grey as it hummed at my affection.

I woke up the next morning stiff and frozen from the floor. I had fallen asleep beside my creature. As I opened my eyes, it stared. It had probably been staring all night, hoping that maybe I would start to relax and stop breathing. However, my ease from last night was a grave mistake. For today is a weekday. I am only allowed to stop and stare on weekends. I am late for school today. I don’t really care. I don’t ever care. But my father does, and I will never hear the end of this. He rants to my head as he drives me to school. He talks about how hard last night was for him, and how useless it was for me to not be careful enough to not be late. I did not see him yesterday when I came home to the red night, but he doesn’t ask where I was or what I had been doing. Everything seems to be about him lately.

I crawl out of the car and into the office. I receive another lecture as I have been late one too many times and missed one too many days. By the time I reach my class, my head feels like it is bound to fall off. I laugh aloud. How funny it would be if my head really did fall off right now in front of the class? My laughter calls stares, but I curl back into myself. They are not the stares I have grown accustomed to in my room. The day goes by as I go through my schoolwork. I practice talking and laughing with my friends as I eat a grey lunch, yet the smiles never reach my eyes. No one notices. I am good at pretending. Only my creature knows my truth. What is my truth? I think it lies in everything that I am not. Tomorrow is blue. Tomorrow is Saturday, but I can not spend it with my creature. I have an appointment every other Saturday that my mom has begged me to attend. I would rather play with my creature, but I have no free will. As soon as the appointment is over, I return to my room to make my day grey again. I am smiling as it stares at me, but the smile always fades. It cries out to me from time to time as if it is trying to get me to recognize myself. I will not. I can’t.

I am laying on the floor again my bed cowered over me when I hear my door open and my mother call my name. I jump. I scramble up from the floor and turn to hide my creature from my mom. I am angry. I am red. “Get out! Get out!” I scream in her face. “Stay out of my room. I told you to not come in here.” My mom is stunned at my reaction. Her face pales. I fear she has seen it, but I tell myself I hid it in enough time. As I push her out of my room and she offers no resistance, I see in her eyes that her face has gone pale as I am starting to sound like my father. Tonight it is black. I don’t remember falling asleep.

A month later, I sit by my bed. I see my creature so much bigger but still so ugly and covered in dust and hair. I get no more satisfaction from its familiarity. Its stares claw at my skin tearing me apart from the inside and pour acid down my throat like a demon trying to take control. It stares. It stares. And stares. Until finally, I can’t take it anymore. “What the hell are you looking at?” I throw anything around me that I can get my hands on at it as it whimpers in fear. “Leave me alone!” I cry tears cascading down my face, my body collapsing into a ball on the floor. I fall by my creature. My ugly creature. The only thing that has made me feel less alone. My companion. My friend. This morning I realized I look a lot like my creature. I have dark bags under my eyes, lint and debris cling to my hair and skin, and my hair curls around my head in the same way that its’ does. We are very similar. We are both neglected. It curls up by my side as I cry.

The weekdays I go to school. I do not long to be back in my room. My creature can have my attention on the weekends. Except for my appointments. My laughter still does not reach my eyes, but my eyes have gone more noticed. There are more nights that I stay in my room when I get home as the screaming is a constant now. Almost as familiar as my lovely creature. One night, I can finally stand on my own feet. I look at my creature as it stares mocking me. I smile crudely at it begging it to challenge me. When it doesn’t, I gather my strength and thrust open my bedroom door. The steps toward the living room fall under my feet like dominoes. I am silver-like armor. I push past my mother. “Enough!” I grab my father’s outstretched hand and lift him towards the door. It surprises him enough to see me that I can open the front door before he falls backward like a broken tree towards the lawn. Breathing heavy, I face my mother. The door is locked. “Enough.”

I see in her eyes that my pain is truly enough.

A year goes by, and my creature no longer stares. The nights are never red. And I am finally noticed. Light dances through my room where grey had only just been. Occasionally, the grey seeps back but never for too long. My mom walks through the doorway. Smiling. “I feel like I have never seen your room so clean. Just a year ago, there were so many dust bunnies and clothes strewn all over the floor!” I smile and look back to the spot on my floor. My familiarity.

“Yeah, I got tired of their staring.” My mom chuckles as we head out to the car for school. I am not late anymore. As we near the car, I see a tan bunny right outside my window. It notices my stare. Looking up it stares back at me with a dandelion caught in its mouth, its nose twitching slightly. It stared at me with boundless eyes. Today was a bright weekday. Today was the rest of my life.