What used to be

I remember, when I was like twelve years-old and I couldn’t wait for the bell to ring. To walk with you through the hallways to the school yard and have a five-minute talk about your volley practice. To talk about the boy you liked, using code names like “brick” or “lamp”. I can still feel the hurt from the laughter you caused me every time we said something stupid and we would end up breathless on the floor, wheezing. All the times we cheated in tests, either passing on little papers with whole paragraphs on them either mouthing silently the words to each other when the teacher wasn’t looking. The first time you made me watch a horror movie. We had a sleepover afterwards and sleep was the one thing I didn’t get. You goofs made ghost noises and made me hide under my blanket for almost half the night. The other half I spent staring at the fireplace, afraid that someone would pop out of there. I was so relieved when the sun finally came out the next day. I really miss that.

I remember, when we were around thirteen years-old and you took my pencil case and wouldn’t give it to me. You made me run after both of you into the entire school and I grabbed it when one of you didn’t pay enough attention. I took your glasses all the time when we were desk-mates. You wouldn’t mind. Through some classes, we sang a song that stuck in our heads. I would do the high notes and you the low ones. And then the teacher, would ask if we have something to share. You’re ears always turned red in embarrassment. Sometimes, after school, we went across the street and we hung out in a small theatre our old elementary school used to have. There was a game we played, called “CHIKENED”. It was nothing more than Truth or Dare, but if you collected three chickens by not fulfilling your task, you were obligated to do a crazy dare. The craziest we ever did at that theatre was to make one of us to scream at strangers. The craziest we ever did in a house was to make two of us kiss. It was really awkward. But I really miss that.

I remember, when we were fourteen years-old, we would all gather in someone’s house and we would watch horror movies. We did that almost every weekend. Instead of terrified gasps, the room was full of laughter and snickering sounds. Of course, some of us still hide behind pillows, blankets and their own fingers to skip the scary parts. And one of us, fell under their chair in a jump-scare. In all fairness though, these nights were hilarious. And my favorites. Every time we went to eat outside was a train wreck. We either split to two tables or they would put us in a joined big table. We looked like the Secret Dinner. And then we had to pay separately, because no one had change. The poor waiters. I remember our sleepovers. Dozens of them scattered in a few years. The first one, though, is the most memorable. So thrilled to spent an entire night together and wake up to each other’s company again. No need to say, we didn’t sleep that night. It was 5:00 am and our giggles could still be heard in the living room and the kitchen, where we had made our beds on the floor carpet. I really miss that.

I remember, when we were fifteen years-old and feelings was always in the air. Not friendship, but romance. One of us always crushing on another. The feelings were not mutual most of the times. But not all of them. The bond between some people changed its nature. Those who their dreams of something more didn’t work out handled it pretty well, for teenagers. The dynamic in the team never altered, we were still us. Those who their love bloomed had it good. Romance and best friends? There was one time, when it started to snow while we were at school. It doesn’t happen often here. During break, we all stormed out of our classes and enjoyed the change of scenery. Those were one of the moments we were all together, some had found something more in their friends’ faces and some had stopped looking there, fulfilled by our little family just being there. Those photos of ours - that are now sitting in a file in my hard drive – in the snow. I really miss that moment.

I remember, when we were around sixteen years-old, we were going these long trips with our school, once a year. Three or five days. It was like an ultimate sleepover. We were having so much fun, running up and down the halls of the hotels, trying to decide in which room we would spend the night, playing games and hang out. I recall, one night we split up. We kind of mingled with the rest of the school and there were three of us in one room and five or four of us in a different one, etc. I can still hear the argument some of us had that night. The cries of frustration and the feeling that something was falling apart, but we didn’t quite know from where to catch it. We were so tired the next day, but at least we had that feeling that our thoughts were out there, so the situation was supposed to be fixed. Some of us came closer that day. But some of us felt the distance growing. I don’t really miss that.

I remember, when we were about seventeen years-old and some relationships clearly fell apart. Either because of romance either because you can’t be a match with everyone as friends. We would select those we will share our lives with. We would think twice before we pressed that green button to call someone, we used to talk for two hours on the phone. Until we stopped calling. We had formed inner circles in our family. Until it wasn’t a family anymore. We would still go out altogether sometimes, but it wasn’t the same. Our school years came to an end, as did the only thing that made us see each other every day. I remember the summer after graduation that parts of our former group had arranged the same vacation by accident. People would expect to see us reunite for a few days, like nothing had changed. Cause after all, we spent the last five years as a family. But that wasn’t the case. Some moments in some bars and that’s it. I really don’t miss that period.

I remember feeling these people, that family, they were going to last forever. I am not changing that feeling. We may not be like we were used to and probably never will be again, but no one can take from us the memories we created; joyful or painful ones. No person can know the bond we have and what some of us would do for the others. Even though it took some time, some effort and a lot of drunken discussions about how we ended up like that, I can now press that call button to any of these people. Maybe not to share my problems or discuss what to wear in a pool party, but when I’ve missed them and want to catch up over a cup of coffee or a bottle of wine. When I need them, I know some of them will come, no questions asked. I had trust in these people and I still do. And I was right to do. A few of them are still my closest friends. That doesn’t mean I cut those that are not. Maybe they are not currently my everyday family, but they will always have a place in my heart. I really miss you guys.