Hey 24!

I can remember vividly. Yes! I just came out from my lecture hall when I saw two presenters having a vox pop interview with students in my college. There was also a videographer recording them. The male presenter approached me immediately and with the microphone to the side of my mouth, he asked ‘’What would you do differently if you could become sixteen again?’’ I chuckled, thought momentarily, then smiled to answer ‘’ Oh well, I will do absolutely nothing! Everything that happens to us comes with a great reason. Besides someone that is sixteen is already smart and should make less mistakes if any. See yeah, in life, it’s best we are always careful and sure of whatever we do, not wait to get to a certain age and then wish to go back to the past and make some changes. To me, it doesn’t make sense’’ The presenter nodded repeatedly showing he agreed with my smart words.

Yeah! But looking back now, I made grave mistakes three years after granting that interview. Oh no! I was so stupid. I wasn’t even 16, I was 24! Just finished college with a first class. Started working in an oil firm almost immediately. My dark but smooth and beautiful face and body was such a delight. I am also a 6.2ft in height. Perfect right? How then did I fall for a wrong partner? how did I fall in love with Patrick? How did I ever think I was smart and above mistakes, then? Patrick was a nightmare!

‘’Dear self… I’m done blaming you. I mean it’s been five years and I ought to have forgiven you right? The only mistake you made was love and marry wrongly but how didn’t you even know Patrick was a user? How did you manage to fall in love and stayed married to a narcissist for thirteen months? How did you lose yourself in marriage? How did your desperation and want to stay married override your sense of right judgement? How did you allow a man to abuse you emotionally and physically? Why were you always making up excuses for him? Why didn’t you leave when the beating got worse? Why didn’t you choose yourself? Why did you care about people’s validation? Why did you want to continue answering a married African woman despite you had reasons to quit? Now you’ve lost an eye! I blame you Maria… I blame you! You stayed till that abuser hit you with an iron on the eye. Did he even care after that? No! He abandoned you in the hospital immediately the doctor informed him you were never going to see with your right eye again. Phew! I blame you, Maria. I blame you. You would have said no! You would have said no to those humiliating remarks about you, to those demeaning treatments you got. You would have said no when you became a slave to Patrick’s ego. You would have said no when he said you were nothing and that he was doing you a favor by marrying you. How was that even true! How did you let him stop you from working and make you dependent on him? How did he turn you from an ambitious and an industrious smart woman to nothing? Why didn’t you open to your parents or even to your only sibling; Martha about what you were going through? Why did you allow a man you married have sex with you without your consent? Why did you keep treating yourself of bacterial infections all the time when you should have just run from a cheating partner? You were so stupid Maria! But I’m done blaming you. I’m glad you’ve learnt. I’m glad you regained your self-esteem. I’m glad you’ve chosen yourself! I’m glad you are now living your best life amidst your condition. I’m glad you’ve moved on. I’m glad you are not letting losing your right eye become an impediment to your career and happiness. I’m glad you’ve gone back to work and excelling in your work field.

Hey 24! You were the year I met Patrick. You are my worst year; the year I chose another person over myself. The year I fell in love with an abuser. The year I married a man that I loved but he hated me. Hey 24! I promise to make it up to you. I am so sorry for every pain and heartache I let you pass through. I’m sorry I loved only with my heart and not a bit of my head. I am sorry for everything!

Today, I have wholeheartedly forgiven myself. I think I might consider love again. Clifford and Valentine are begging for a chance in my life, and I might just consider Valentine. He looks like the opposite of Patrick. Though this time, I am going to make sure I get exactly what I want and if along the line, it doesn’t work out, I am going to leave with my life and my whole body still intact. I am going to be saying yes to everything beautiful and saying no to whatever I cannot tolerate. Hey 24! I am also promising you that I am going to have all the fun you didn’t have. I am going to replace all those nights you wet your pillow in tears yelling for Patrick to come back home with good lovemaking and cuddling. I am going to make up for those times Patrick denied you going out to visit your friends with plenty vacations at different countries. Most importantly, I am going to prioritize my happiness now and never allow anything again come in-between it. Hey 24! I have forgiven myself and I hope you forgive me too so we can make the best out of what is left. I love you so much! Bye for now’’

Yours Truly,

Self.

‘’Hey Patrick, wherever you are, I pray karma deals mercilessly with you. May you pay for every pain and heartache you caused me.’’

‘’I am intentionally going to be happy, explore and genuinely be there for myself. Hey! I am going to make the baby I was at 24 years so proud!’’